Two halves of a whole, is my definition of motherhood. You are one person, then if you become a mother, you no longer belong only to yourself but are now two halves with some gooey stuff in the middle. The gooey stuff has allot to do with environment, history, upbringing and beliefs.
My gooey stuff still needs refining, maturing and guidance in order for it to be productive in anyway. Letting go is part of the process and it allows for growth not only in me but in my kids and in all relationships. I am learning to appreciate the difficult days and be stimulated by the challenges I encounter along the way.
I found myself in the role of motherhood long before I was ever a biological mother with an incredible opportunity to be a foster parent. Fostering 10 kids in four years changed the way I would be a parent forever. I started learning about Letting go of my anger when I was denied adoption rights to a foster boy (Daniel) I had in my home. The state thought they knew what was better for his future then a young single women in college. The devastation that held me captive for months bought on a pit of guilt and depression.
What would happen to him, where would he live, who would love him, teach him, guide him into the cruel world of humanity. God would! I had to trust that the Lord that watches over everyone of us and meets all our needs, would meet my little Daniel's needs, even if I could not see it, I had to have faith, to let him go.
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| Daniel and Me on Beach |
Then came the day I was told bearing my own children would be highly unlikely, which was confirmed with a miscarriage of my first pregnancy. The idea of being a biological mom came and went with three years of attempting to get pregnant again. Letting go... again to the fact that God's plan is more magnificent that I could ever imagine. "Your plan not mine" I said over and over.His plan was so much better than mine because within month of my husband finding a new job with better insurance I was pregnant!
Little does any new mother know, the challenges of carrying a new life inside you starts with fear. Fear of so many unknowns. Letting go of the unknowns, the mistakes that you have experienced, that you as a mom do not want repeated now that you are in the drivers seat of motherhood.
The next letting go of motherhood is embarrassing to say but it was harder to do. The doc confirmed that I am pregnant again! WHAT WHAT WHAT I just had a baby! I felt the surge of anger, fear, denial and shock run through my veins. The swelling in my eyes continued for months until, I LET GO again. Let go of thinking I COULD NOT do this again, the pain, the fatigue, the emotional up and down of hormonal surges gripping your body. I could and would with super natural strength that we, all women all moms, have in reserve to survive.
One of the most cherished moments I had with my daughter, that truly took me by surprise, was the connection I had during breast feeding. Never took myself as the breast feeding type BUT once you hear how good it is for your baby how could you not try. I gave myself the 6 month goal! It turned into one of the greatest joys of my entire life, after the intense pain left my breast of course!!!!
So letting go of the fact that I COULD not breast feed my son after I had held onto this hope for 9 month sent me diving back into a black hole of despair. The one that had looked very familiar to me and the same black hole that almost took my life.
I felt the greatest sense of loss during those quiet nights crying , pumping milk that he could not drink and pleading with God to heal my son so I could nurse him. When you have been up for month with a colic child that can now only eat a special formula with thicken added due to allergies and aspirating lungs, and a 17 month old daughter that is totally dependent on mommy, I slipped into postpartum depression.
My cries for healing of my son turned into me begging for him to take my life. I had lost all connection with the baby boy I gave birth to, I struggled to eat, sleep, work, laugh and feel. The doom of seeing the sun shine into my window and the sweet grunts of babies waking up from slumber meant to me another day of bondage.
Help was sought and help was found in many different ways but it required letting go and asking for help. I needed more help now then ever before in my life up to this day and letting go of myself was the only way to rebuild and heal!
Fast forward several years of learning to let go daily my desires, for the needs of an exuberant family and we find a little girl riding her bike. Mom is holding the back of the bike with such a firm grip that she will never be able to pedal on her own until I LET GO of the bike. It means letting her learn, hurt, fall, succeed and fail. How do I stop the pain that has spanned now 40 yrs of my life so that it does not infect my kids? Letting go of the controlling and debilitating fear starts with me taking my hand off the bike and setting her free.
LET GO MOM LET GO!
