Pain + Growth = Intimacy with God

The walls closed in, like sand being poured over me, as I was being buried alive! The elevator door shut and I stood alone in my panic, I felt my breath begin to shallow and I slide slowly down the wall to my knees.  The realization of leaving my angel in THAT place was incomprehensible and the faint sound of her cries could still be heard. 

I have no idea how I made it down from the 5th floor of the hospital, to find myself at 2am walking down the sidewalk looking for a familiar face to give me a ride home.

The apprehensive smile looking at me from the window of her car reminded me that this was my reality. I wanted to run back inside and begin screaming "I want my baby back".  I was missing something, I felt so empty without her but on the other hand I knew deep inside I needed to let go tonight, trust and get some rest in order to face the new morning that would awaken me in only a few hours. 

The silence between us on the way home said what two moms didn't need to say, it's unnatural to leave your child in the hospital but it is instinctual for a mother to seek help for the needs she can not meet. Instinct wins over emotion this time and restoration is needed to survive the unknowns. 

The new dawn brought more questions and uncertainties, my body moved through the motions as if I was a puppet, being controlled by the man upstairs.  He gently moved my arms and legs in sync to help me take one step in front of the other, he gently pulled the strings up to place a smile on my face at work and he helped open my tired eyes to drive back to the hospital.

The gown wrapped several times around her as I heard her faint voice "MOMMYYY", oh sweet Jesus..... I wanted to run across the floor and wisp her up into my arms. How did we get here? Were the police flashing lights and ambulance ride the night before a nightmare, or is this now part of her survival story? 

 

She had a calm to her that I had not seen in awhile and it put my soul at rest. Where would this new road take us? The next step of our lives is not always visible or accessible, its just that leap of faith transcending darkness into light. 

"Mom, I really miss Skyler".

Traveling back and forth day after day to the hospital learning, talking, and wondering how this new direction would effect our life and the life of my son. 



He has been so courageous! The sound of his plea the night before "Mom please stay with me, she scares me sometimes". We both know she loves us more than she is capable of expressing and her intense emotions launch her into places she doesn't want to go but the truth be told I am scared too and in our fear we have reached out for help. 

Fear, a powerful emotion, can help us take action!

 

The connection between what I am learning to help my daughter has also helped me begin a new journey. 

The steps for helping kids that are on the cliff of disaster is the same road to help anyone seeking intimacy with God. I listened to the counselors talk about how to connect with different kinds of feeling, identifying the why's of reactions and how to express yourself in hard situations. They taught her a self care plan of sitting quietly EVERY hour for 9 minutes to tap into your feelings.  Spending quality time with oneself to build a constructive pattern and with that consistency it can then be used in time of crisis.

WOO! It hit me..... if I would stop for 9 minutes every hour and spend time reading the word of God, praying or listening to his direction for my life, I would also be able to have a strong foundation in time of need. This is when you realize that in the midst of pain comes a parallel of growth and change. Healing and hurting on separate sides of the railroad track moving in the same direction toward a final destination, wisdom.  

We still have an enormous challenge in front of us and I struggle daily with the burden of caring and making the right decisions for her but with a foundation built on solid ground I can withstand the storm. 

The day she came home!!!!!

It is amazing to re-read this almost exact experience  
Déjà vu! 

(Read October 22, 2008 Blog Entry)