She smiles big as soon as our eyes meet and my heart skips a beat, she looks happy! Making our way through the crowd of parents is enough to send me into a panic attack, but we survive and are sitting quietly in the car. INHALE MOM!!!
Typically this is when the let down of the day and attack mom moments happen, but today she is quiet. NOT a good sign! Normally it would take me asking her several times or days of meltdowns for her to talk about what is wrong, BUT today she starts telling me about the girl drama that happen in school that day and that she had a substitute teacher that was mean, I am all ears and happy we have a quiet car ride home to talk and process.
"You know the girl that is always mean to me mom, she did it again she said something bad and I cried". I want to grip the steering wheel like its this girls head and squeeze till her eye balls pop out like those stress balls. We have been here done this and have worked this situation over and over and we only have three weeks left of school NOOOOOOO not now, I want to scream!
I make no sudden sounds or movements so she can continue her story without my aggressive interrupting. " The girl said sorry and asked me to forgive her, and I did", she wipes the tears and smiles "its all good Mom". OMG she handled it, she did not retaliate back, she FORGAVE, she talked about it to me and is recovering.
Calmness in my gut has replaced anger and a gratefulness remembering that last year at this time she was recovering from a 3 week in patient hospital stay to help her cope. Seeds of growth bloosom forth in this moment of sunshine.
The story continued and the smile turned to tears then she told me through a crackly voice that the class lost recess because she couldn't quit crying after the situation. The substitute asked her to stop crying and she couldn't so the teacher said to her "if you were 3 this would be ok but your not 3, your 10 so it's not acceptable".
Sooo let me get this straight I am thinking in my mind, the class lost recess because my Autistic daughter can't quit crying because she has sensory processing issues, has been emotionally bullied and now very over stimulated?
I nearly wreck the car with disgust and now full of rage but manage somehow not to show any external signs because I know if I start talking now I will not hear the end of the story. She tells me the kids all shout "thanks allot Skyler". I start crying but turn away, I can barely stand the thought of her in the middle of this. I want to rescue her, I want to turn around go back to the school and make it right, I want to rant and rave about her rights and the wrongness of this situations, I want to scream at the top of my lungs....
I clear my head and listen between the lines as she says "and that's the end, it's over and I don't want to talk about it anymore". I begin to talk anyway ignoring her request NOT to talk about it, offering my wise unbiased counsel (NOT), but she says again, "I don't want to talk about it anymore, its all good".
I decided in my mind I was not going to talk about it anymore today but tomorrow I was going to make sure I handled this. Um NO, I am not going to handle it today or tomorrow either because it has already been handled, she doesn't need me to rescue her.
I remind myself that is why you have spent the last 7 years, thousands of dollars and hours of time taking her to speech, occupational and physical therapy not to mention social skills groups, counseling and psychiatrist visits so SHE CAN handle this NOT ME! This is a huge milestone for mom/daughter, I have decided not to rescue her today.
My super hero mom cape is needed in a new way, to support, listen, love and guide QUIETLY with a grateful heart for all the wonderful friends, teachers and therapist that have helped HER handle day to day issues that will happen for the rest of her life.
“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord; plans to
prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11
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