April 14, 2009-Journal Entry to my daughter

You are smiling more and more every day

April 14, 2009

Good Morning my love! You have been a shining star! The Lord has truly blessed us with people in our lives to help you enjoy life more. You spent the entire weekend with your cousins and had a BLAST. I love listening to you giggle. You are so loved, never forget that. 

Daddy bought you a bug house and you are crazzzy over these little bugs, you just love them. It is so precious to see you have a connections with God's little creatures.

Love 

Mommy

I am told that "Courage grows out of difficult circumstances" and I believe that to be true. When the ground shatters under your feet we have choices to make and I have to say I made the wrong choices. I allowed rage to control my life, my marriage and my mothering. 

My approach in handling my daughter was so far off base that it is embarrassing to admit.  What Skyler needed  was an authoritarian yet gentle voice and my calm spirit. 

I now understand what it means to walk by faith and not by feelings, to think before I respond, "to Stop, Look and Listen" as the firefighters say.  I want to keep learning, keep growing and keep being my daughters defender, cheerleader and mother. 

After March Before April 2009-Journal Entry to my daughter




SkySky Bug,

We have had such a rough time lately-not sure where to go from here. You have had some terrific past couple month but now I feel like we are back to square one.
I feel like it is me-I am so confused-I can not sleep-I am on my knees, "God give me wisdom".

Love you Baby Girl,
Mommy

Looking at this sweet face brings tears to my eyes. So many times she seemed to be smiling on the outside but struggling internally. I would ask what can Mommy do, are you OK, Do you feel mad, sad? Did someone hurt you, did I hurt you? She had no way of expressing to me the battle going on in her head.  I grew very weary and tired. Tired of mothering, tired of not knowing how to mother, tired of no answers. Just TIRED! 

My new normal was just to survive each day. I did not want to settle for just survival. I wanted more! I desired family time that did not end in complete chaos because my daughter had a melt down that would take hours to calm her down, to be able to go into a store without running out in a panic that she would run away into moving traffic.

I did not enjoy the feeling in my gut when my husband and I would have to take turns caring for her because it was so much work that you could only endure short periods of time without losing your mind. 

I know the old saying "Where there is a will, there is a way" but does will have anything to do with motherhood?  Can you WILL answers, change, direction or help?  

March 3, 2009-Journal Entry to my daughter

Skyler,

Where does the time go? Well baby girl you have been so happy lately, talking more, laughing and playing so well with Kendyl. You were making him giggle tonight and he kept saying "Again, Again" and you would do it again and he would giggle even harder. 

The doctor is trying some different medication for you and I really think this one is making the biggest difference. You seem to be more comfortable in your skin. Less anxious, less tantrums, less agitated and more smiles!


We had the BEST family day.  We all enjoyed just being together and I found myself walking through the mall crying tears of joy. 

You really are a beautiful wonderful child that I love more and more every day. 

Love,

Mommy

I live in gratitude that we have smiles on a regular basis now. A smile of comfort and true joy that every kid should be able to experience.  My SKY SKY is able to enjoy life because of medication.

On the other hand I live with a constant battle of right vs. wrong.  I am relying on drugs and with the risk of side effects and long term addiction am I making the Best decision. Mommy guilt is overwhelming when I allow it to consume my thoughts. Yes, Yes, yes, they all say but internally as a MOM, I will always wonder. 

For now I love hearing her soft tone of voice, sweet smiles and her ability to handle extra snuggles. The battle can continue in my mind as long as I see her making progress and enjoying being six years old.