After March Before April 2009-Journal Entry to my daughter




SkySky Bug,

We have had such a rough time lately-not sure where to go from here. You have had some terrific past couple month but now I feel like we are back to square one.
I feel like it is me-I am so confused-I can not sleep-I am on my knees, "God give me wisdom".

Love you Baby Girl,
Mommy

Looking at this sweet face brings tears to my eyes. So many times she seemed to be smiling on the outside but struggling internally. I would ask what can Mommy do, are you OK, Do you feel mad, sad? Did someone hurt you, did I hurt you? She had no way of expressing to me the battle going on in her head.  I grew very weary and tired. Tired of mothering, tired of not knowing how to mother, tired of no answers. Just TIRED! 

My new normal was just to survive each day. I did not want to settle for just survival. I wanted more! I desired family time that did not end in complete chaos because my daughter had a melt down that would take hours to calm her down, to be able to go into a store without running out in a panic that she would run away into moving traffic.

I did not enjoy the feeling in my gut when my husband and I would have to take turns caring for her because it was so much work that you could only endure short periods of time without losing your mind. 

I know the old saying "Where there is a will, there is a way" but does will have anything to do with motherhood?  Can you WILL answers, change, direction or help?