We do not have to change what we see, ONLY the WAY we see it

I am ending the week much better than it started and I have experienced moments of uncomprimised joy.

No sensory overload meltdowns in two days, new school routine is setting in nicely, praising God for the ability to walk my kids to school, feeling cooler air on my skin, thinking clearly about the journey that lies ahead. 

Ann Voskamp says "I can feel gratitude soak into my soul, I am becoming someone else, a new person, one that I like much better that the old."  Numerous blessings sitting under my nose, when looking for them I can not help but feel contentment!

I feel my lips pulling apart in a smile and I burst into a true giggle. Laughter is hard to come by when you wear anger to hide the sadness. I chuckle at the reward for finding a balance, the reward for intentionally committing to the challenge of being thankful in ALL things.

 

I am rewarded with the words weight gain and pre menopause from the wonderful ob/gyn doc.  WHAT WHAT WHAT just happened!

A simple morning full of laughter and smiles turns into another task to manage and more things to add into the daily challenges already so overwhelming. The dreaded number from a scale that haunts women- the disease of body image. The yearning for that which is NEVER attainable, perfection. 

I pause, think and.... I did it! I found a heart of thanksgiving in that moment, I thank you Lord that I did not come into the doctor Monday or Tuesday when my spirit was fragile. Thank you for the strength and guidance to look hormones in the face and begin to giggle.

Women are like cats we have nine lives. Each shift in hormones we have to shift into a new life of figuring out what, how, when, who and where. So onto this next life I go.... step by step, day by day.  

I returned to my car and found myself singing under my breath "I got joy joy joy down in my heart down in my heart down in my heart" and there it is again my lips pulling apart and I SMILE!

 

My Mom (my hero) and me running the race of Life together.

I did not love my daughter well today

I stopped teaching and starting demanding not a good idea with any child much less a child with Aspergers. I lost my way again and I started reacting to her lack of understanding and paid the price with withdrawal and unmanageable meltdowns. 

Trying to teach my baby girl social cueing in the middle of a meltdown is like trying to tell a person screaming at you during road rage fit that they left their blinker on.

My girl at 1 with mommy  in Alaska

I am a therapist, a trainer and a mother and in all of those roles I have to TEACH. If someone does not know how to squat I break it down and teach the mechanics of it, if someone does not know how to put make up on after a stroke we re-train the brain so......... with my daughter I need to TEACH her how to read faces, to study reactions and to respond. 

This can be an overwhelming task that gets forgotten in the middle of working, cooking cleaning and caring for another child. 

 

Today is about finding balance and getting back to teaching not demanding from myself, others and my precious children.

I shout glorious praise for the eye to see, the ears to hear, the heart to feel and the willingness to change and I trust him for the strength. 

November 12, 1994-My Personal Diary Notes

November 12, 1994

I stayed the night at a youth camp last night and had a total blast. I really needed that after swaying so far away from myself. I feel like I have bad vibes flowing through my blood.  I am totally out of control. I need to quit looking, start giving and forgiving more, then love will come to me. 
I learned that I am really going to be ok and I can do this thing called LIFE.  It seems so hard when depression sets in. I wish I could learn how to rely on God's love instead of basing how I feel on what others think of me.
I am counting the hours until I see my family in Co. for Thanksgiving. What a blessing to have this time with my family. I hope to learn how to appreciate my life, my friends, my job, my possessions, my knowledge and the body God gave me. Stop wishing for more AND make what I have the best by changing my attitude! 

Cheers to another day in paradise!

( I loved reading how I wrote the word "totally" in my journal)

2011
I have this pattern of Choosing LIFE over and over. I will experience this temporary freedom inside and I want to live. Not JUST survive but truly live. To hear, smell and taste all this life has to offer! The flip side of LIFE is death which equals freedom forever in my mind. Free from prejudice, constant emotional, physical and spiritual pain, the crippling battle of depression, loss of trust and faith in your loved ones and yourself.

Sitting at the top of a mountain in Co. surrounded by insurmountable beauty puts things in perspective but it does not stop the pain of defeat, the overwhelming heartache that rages in my veins. As Charles Spurgeon says " There are no broken friendships, nor blighted prospects in heaven".  I long for that place and time.

 

Attending three funerals in a month; death and mourning was a constant cloud above my head and it brought me back to a familiar dark place. I longed to be in the ground physically with them, mentally freed from nagging thoughts, spiritually arriving at my final destination. I struggled to hold on to what mattered most which was to run the race I had been given and do it well.

Marathons get really tough at mile 26 when you only have .2 to go and for me I have been doing .2 most of my life. Putting one foot in front of the other in spite of failures, regrets and let downs is all part of the running process. I physically am not scared but emotionally I am terrified! 

Ann Voskamp says it best " panting ahead in worry, pounding back in regrets, terrified to live in the present, because here-time asks me to do the hardest of all: just open wide and receive. 

Pay it Forward- May 2009-Journal Entry to my daughter

May 2009

Sweet girl you were so cute for my birthday today. When I woke you up, you kept asking me to get you some panties, then you and Kendyl would start giggling. 

Finally I opened your pantie drawer and there was a gift bag from James Avery in there. You both sat looking right at me as I opened the gift and it was a pair or heart earrings. 

You said to me "one heart for me and one heart for Kendyl". This was a moment of Pure Joy!

I love you,

 Mommy

I was able to PAY IT FORWARD today. A distraught five year old boy had obviously been over stimulated to the max and was attempting to beat up a women twice his size with kicks and punches. I saw her face and as she unsuccessfully tried to restrain him from running away into moving traffic and as she held him tightly taking multiple blows to the face with his little fist, my heart stopped beating.

My eyes swelled up with tears as the painful memories of restraining my daughter to control her from hurting me, others or herself flashed before my eyes. I tried to walk by without causing a scene but something came over me and I knew I could help. 

I said "can I have him" and I held firmly saying "shhhhhhhhhhh" softly in his ear "it's ok". He continued the fight and I started rubbing his back and using a soft tone of voice so he could calm down. I let him know that he could not hurt me and that running was dangerous and we would not allow it for his safety. I sat down holding him firmly starting to rock back and forth letting go of my grip slowly, he became still and calm.

He did the same thing my Sky Sky did, snapped out of the fit and started talking clearly and ready for water.

Mentally exhausted from the reminder of where I had been but energized about the progress we have made and encouraged to continue speaking out.

A reminder to me and everyone that bad behavior does NOT always equals bad kid!

There have been many wise people that have helped me in my journey and it was an incredible blessing today to be able to PAY IT FORWARD!