November 12, 1994
I stayed the night at a youth camp last night and had a total blast. I really needed that after swaying so far away from myself. I feel like I have bad vibes flowing through my blood. I am totally out of control. I need to quit looking, start giving and forgiving more, then love will come to me.
I learned that I am really going to be ok and I can do this thing called LIFE. It seems so hard when depression sets in. I wish I could learn how to rely on God's love instead of basing how I feel on what others think of me.
I am counting the hours until I see my family in Co. for Thanksgiving. What a blessing to have this time with my family. I hope to learn how to appreciate my life, my friends, my job, my possessions, my knowledge and the body God gave me. Stop wishing for more AND make what I have the best by changing my attitude!
I stayed the night at a youth camp last night and had a total blast. I really needed that after swaying so far away from myself. I feel like I have bad vibes flowing through my blood. I am totally out of control. I need to quit looking, start giving and forgiving more, then love will come to me.
I learned that I am really going to be ok and I can do this thing called LIFE. It seems so hard when depression sets in. I wish I could learn how to rely on God's love instead of basing how I feel on what others think of me.
I am counting the hours until I see my family in Co. for Thanksgiving. What a blessing to have this time with my family. I hope to learn how to appreciate my life, my friends, my job, my possessions, my knowledge and the body God gave me. Stop wishing for more AND make what I have the best by changing my attitude!
Cheers to another day in paradise!
( I loved reading how I wrote the word "totally" in my journal)
2011
I have this pattern of Choosing LIFE over and over. I will experience this temporary freedom inside and I want to live. Not JUST survive but truly live. To hear, smell and taste all this life has to offer! The flip side of LIFE is death which equals freedom forever in my mind. Free from prejudice, constant emotional, physical and spiritual pain, the crippling battle of depression, loss of trust and faith in your loved ones and yourself.
Sitting at the top of a mountain in Co. surrounded by insurmountable beauty puts things in perspective but it does not stop the pain of defeat, the overwhelming heartache that rages in my veins. As Charles Spurgeon says " There are no broken friendships, nor blighted prospects in heaven". I long for that place and time.
Attending three funerals in a month; death and mourning was a constant cloud above my head and it brought me back to a familiar dark place. I longed to be in the ground physically with them, mentally freed from nagging thoughts, spiritually arriving at my final destination. I struggled to hold on to what mattered most which was to run the race I had been given and do it well.
Marathons get really tough at mile 26 when you only have .2 to go and for me I have been doing .2 most of my life. Putting one foot in front of the other in spite of failures, regrets and let downs is all part of the running process. I physically am not scared but emotionally I am terrified!
Ann Voskamp says it best " panting ahead in worry, pounding back in regrets, terrified to live in the present, because here-time asks me to do the hardest of all: just open wide and receive.
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