A mother's virtue

My son heard the groaning hufffff come from the kitchen, he responds "mom whats wrong"? 

"Nothing son, Why"? 

 "What was that noise you made, the hufffff sound"? 

It was then I realized, I am at a pivotal point in parenting. It matters more WHAT and HOW I do things, then what I say. I have heard the saying: kids see what you do, not what you say BUT to truly experience that development in your role as parent, change from just meeting a child's basic needs to EVERYTHING matters; your movements, your sighs, your expressions, your responses, your decision making, your appearance and on and on it goes, is a new level of awareness for me. 

 They see, they hear, they notice, they REPEAT! 

I started to wonder what do they REALLY see and hear in me? I have shown the best and worst side of myself. I have experienced a rainbow of emotions in front of them crying, laughing, anger, passivity to aggressiveness and independence to fear and loneliness. My greatest fear is the deep rooted sadness that plagues my soul, will manifest itself and penetrate them in a way that they begin to emulate my internal responses and the boiling rage that seizes my veins will spoil the joy that should be in its place.

 
Can the high pitched "Good Morning sweet loves" as they walk into my room mask the feeling of inadequacy that seep through my wrinkles. I immediately begin to pray the minute I open my eyes, "Lord Grant me the strength today to have a mothers virtue, to withhold the darts I want to toss with my words and expressions, to engage in the pettiness of child's play and to clean up the same mess over and over without huffing". These small things will be my greatest regrets if not well attended to now.

I love you son! I wish I could take the heaviness of this life and the burdens that I carry away from you, but you too will have your own struggles in-spite of my best efforts. Praying God wins more than any other desire that tries to take a hold of you. May I guide and teach you, until my last breath, the truest fulfillment of the soul!

I have fought a good fight, I have finished the the race. I have kept the faith. 

 2 Timothy 4:7