Flap Less Soar More!

 
I felt the tube slip away from me as the waves began tugging at my legs, pulling me under. Then a sharp pain as my shin slammed into the rocks below.  I reached to stop the blood running down my leg but the current was too strong and it swept me into the air. 

At that moment, I realized the only landing place for my body was the rocks below and this could potentially be very bad news! 

Moments like this is when my mind begins to self reflect and then immediately plan for the worse case scenario. I am breathless from the possibilities that EVERYTHING could be different in a blink of an eye.  

I have had many moments this summer that I felt this same way, as if the waves of life and caring for others was pulling me under. I have lost my footing and fallen face down into the rapids of despair. 

Disappointed in all the things I couldn't finish, or the appointments I missed or the friends I had not connected with or the house that was now a play fort.  The daughter I worry about constantly, the marriage that lacks spark, the job I thought I would have by now, and the bank account that seems to be dwindling into single digits.

I land, surprisingly, safe into the lap of a young gentleman that is sitting comfortably in the middle of his tube which now floats us both down the remainder of the river to safety. My family anxiously awaits my arrival but then the moment we realize what happen the hysterical laughter of the journey of where I was and what had happen allowed me to finally LET GO! 

First I let go of my cell phone that was now at the bottom of the river. Realizing later that it needed to be there for me to be FREE of the bondage it had on me. Then the letting go of all the data saved on my mini computer including work contacts, pictures (for moms that's the hardest), the notes and all the things we think we have to have stored on our precious addictive little device. More importantly letting go of the control and perfectionism of trying to get it all in and making it all work together in order to feel like we had a successful summer.

 

 
The freedom I felt as I climbed out of the water and onto the rocks limping in pain yes, but full of fresh perspective that this last week of summer was going to be the best week of summer because I just learned something that I already knew but had not lived out, TOTAL TRUST!  

I thought partial trust was enough or the 20-80% law would be good enough but was not sure how to  obtain total trust. I had wrestled with what to trust in and that battle was over for me now but trusting my life, my kids, my career, my marriage, my body, my money, my everything has not been easy and I didn't realize how tight my fist had been around some areas. Letting go meant releasing my grip on ALL of these things.

The summer started with THE list of emotional, spiritual and physical areas I wanted to work on this summer with activities in each areas to help build independence and virtues in my kids. I had the groupons, coupons, chalk calender, little sticky notes, highlighted magazines and a plan for resting, growing and serving. This is better than no plan I thought and I was not being a tyrant about any of the above areas plus I did have realistic expectations so I felt like this was going to be a GREAT summer. 

I stayed steady on the course not working much, spending day after day believing in my plan and it did help my daughter learn more math, she made it to some therapy sessions and my son was able to have quality time with family and friends plus I had a weekend alone with my other half. So..... If my goals were being met, why was I still searching for more, feeling inadequate that it wasn't enough and judging myself against what could or should be?

Nine days and counting without my trusted, friendly, always ready to please cell phone by my side and the storm in my head has stopped. The wind has quit howling its lies that I need to keep going, do more, try harder and be better at this and that. The compass that always changes directions when everyone else goes in a different direction has now been pointing the same place consistently enough for me to feel confident in my course. 

Now, totally trusting that when the waves come to sweep me off my feet again instead of gripping for control, trusting and letting go may be the better way to live. Losing my phone meant gaining a week of time spent connecting without excessive scheduling, constant texting and solving problems.  This summer ended with less flapping my wings and more soaring. 

Birds use their strong breast muscles to flap their wings and give them the thrust to move through the air and fly, but they also sustain flight for long periods without flapping their wings. They take advantage of updrafts that allows them to remain aloft and to be highly maneuverable at slow speeds.

 Lesson learned: Flap Less ..... Soar More!