I think to myself as I fall into bed with nothing left in my body, not a shred of energy or mental capacity, that this pattern of compete drainage everyday has to stop. Is this how it is suppose to be? To be at the complete end of myself everyday wondering how I will find the strength to put my feet on the ground in the morning. I have committed to decrease, to eliminate and to stop over committing but it still seems endless. The battle that rages within me every day to be all I can be every minute, at every event, with each child and every opportunity to encourage a friend or at work, set me up for complete exhaustion at the closing of the day.

I remind myself of the alternative of regrets, the times of reflection that you cared more about yourself then others around you and the results were devastating. With each reminder you find another breath to keep going. 

I wrestle with wanting to escape to a quiet place in my head that always has a welcome sign and I find myself wanting to run for cover at each new dawn as the sun begins to rise. It's the daunting task, yet blessed-ed gift of responsibility. Responsible for the well being of lost souls, of sad spirits, mad minds and forgotten bodies. Responsible for young adventures, beginning travelers and naive vessels. Will there be enough time and energy to sustain the goals set in front of me? Can I fight a good fight and win the battle over weariness and complacency? 

Sky awakens me from a long night of tossing and turning, the wide eyes of this child sometimes look like a stranger to me, with her ever changing moods and the way she processes and relates to the world. I can tell in a instant by the tone in her voice what kind of day it will be and without taking a breath, I glance to heaven in gratitude that today may have a high chance of success.  

The massive wave that seemed to be over powering me, pulling me back in the under tow trying to drown me in self pity has subsided for a moment and a calmness has flooded over me.

 She sees me today, she hears me today, she needs me today!

These moments are rare and are to be cherished like a sunset that transcends you into it's iridescent color and glory. What can I do to make it last as long as I can, to connect, to teach, to impact, to empower and inspire her? 
I can not waste a moment, she has let me in and I will fight to stay close. I can feel her heart beat and I know it will well with her. 

There is the answer, once again in the middle of the muck and the grind of the usual that YES it is suppose to be like this. I am meant to be at the end of ME each day, so I can be filled up and renewed every waking morning with the power and strength to sustain the battle of life. Would I want it any other way? NAhhhhhhhhhh


Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.2 Corinthians 4:16