THE Look Of Judgement

There it is, "THE" look!

The look of a mom judging another, BAM! The air thickens and I find it hard to breath, I know what she is thinking, I am one of THOSE moms. "Your daughter is doing a,a,a pageant, hmmmm that's kinda different for you guys."

How do I respond when I feel the same way myself? It is very different for us, for me, for her. I am OK with different, what I am not OK with... is the judging look.

I, like her, am always judging, not understanding why someone does something, I could be I do not not care enough to find out why and give "THE" look I was now being given. I am learning to ask instead of assume, it takes a simple question, "tell me more about that or this", so I can understand and not judge, I can learn and grow through others adventures and experiences. Judging stunts our growth and we miss out on new things that we could share with others.

It was an open casting call, I was only interested in her learning three things:

1. Making Eye Contact 
2. Sitting up straight  
3. Talking directly to another person in an interview.

I have been told these are the areas that would be hard for her, so.... what's a mom to do if someone tells you something will be hard for your child, we look for ways to teach them so it NOT hard for them. That's my job! We had already accomplished more in this initial process with her wearing a skirt and cute shoes, I was not about to stop now!

Skyler, my son and I sat in a conference room listening to the director give us all the details and then he said "now your daughters will go be photographed and interviewed." WHAT???? Today, right now? I look at her for signs of stress, but she sees all the other girls get up so she gets up and with a half smile, she looks at me and says "Can Kendyl go?"  "No Skyler this is all about you and letting your light shine through." Kendyl then follows it up with "Skyler Sit Up Straight, I will watch you and remind you with my hands to sit up when you start to slump." She giggles and walks away with several other hundred girls. I looked at my son Kendyl and he says "Mom she can not do this!"

I was even more determined to help her try now because I knew he was not the only person thinking that exact thought and I believe ALL things are possible. I respond, "Weelllll I said, I believe she can Kendyl your sister picks up skills from mimicking others, that's how her brain works, she is a very fast learner, lets close our eyes, say a little prayer and if it is meant to be then she will do well and if not ...we had fun trying and we will go get ice cream."

We run to her side as she approaches us then walk quietly out of the lobby. Kendyl and I both start talking at the same time, "What happen, how did you do, what did they ask, are you OK?" "Mom, Mom stop I am fine!" then she smiles soooo big and I said "WHAT?"  "Guess what my interview question was?" In my prayer I had asked if this was the path we were suppose to be on to please allow the question to be something she could talk about and relate to and if not that we would know  this was not something that would help her grow and learn and on to the next thing we go.

 "Mom they asked if I had any pets!"

I just shook my head side to side and we giggled all the way to the car. I had no idea what I was doing however I knew loving and supporting her was a great place to start. The research begins, questions asked, people recruited to assist us and off we go on a 6 month journey toward the National American Miss Pageant. 

Autism - Athlete - Pet Sitter - Pageant Girl

 no limits in how or where a child can learn to shine!

There are too many prep stories to write them all here but I will highlight some significant moments as an encouraging push to try something new. The background story of My SkySky is a significant part of what made the weekend a huge success, not winning a crown or title but winning over fear.  

 Her enthusiasm was inspiring, she had no idea what she was doing and many of the elements were terrifying to her however she kept moving forward. Making calls to friends and family for sponsorship, practicing with a hair brush the introduction speech, walking tall, standing in model stance, watching videos and overcoming sensory issues trying on different types of clothes. 

A couple years ago I had decided to stop trying to be her everything and learned that she, like many, do better when someone else is the leader or teacher. This approach worked like a charm having someone else help with hair, clothes and routine gave me the freedom to be errand girl and cheerleader. What a pleasure it was to serve my little princess all weekend long!

Skyler completed every required category including her on stage 30 sec personal introduction in front of judges with poise. We had a talk on the way home after the first long day of events and she said "Mom, I am so stressed, this is hard to do." "Yes it is Sky, so so hard and there will be many time in life we will be faced with scary, hard things and we have to decide if facing it will help us or hurt us." I asked her if she felt pushing on would hurt her or help her and if the stress was good stress making her want to achieve or bad stress hurting her making her want to hide. She thought for a brief moment and she replied with great confidence "Good stress, It will help me, I want to finish!"

The finale was filled as you can imagine with high emotions and energy but also full of gratitude and love. We were surrounded by her friends that have supported her through thick and thin cheering her on and her sponsors that believed she could excel. My heart was abounding in thanksgiving and I was inspired at all she had overcome in three days. Leaving the building for the last time Skyler stopped her dad and I and said with tearful eyes I have to tell you something, "Thank you for bringing me to this, I could not have done any of this without you, I had soooooo much fun!"

Philippians 4:13  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Tug Of War

I realized today that I have been in a never ending game of tug a war with everyone and everything for the past 40+ years. 

The constant battle of pulling in the opposite direction of something or someone else is exhausting and unrewarding. The battle began with me in high school playing tug a war with the culture, the rules, the standards and the normality of being a teenager. The game continued with the relationship between my siblings and my parents, gripping with both hands against the ones that loved me the most. 

Fast forwarding through many years of relationships, then to my marriage and now my parenting and the pattern has continued. I would of placed this skill in the strength column of my personality, however it has occurred to me that the constant tugging leads to fraying. Fraying the spirit and fraying relationships!

The callouses from the rope is proof that I have struggled and I am thankful for the reminder but now when I look at my open hands I am reminded they were meant for letting go NOT holding on.  

Your mind changes when your heart changes and your Re-actions change when your actions change. My reactions to the daily grind, raising kids, working, aging and then repeating it again the next day is different with open hands then the ones that were held tight around the rope.  

Releasing the grip is also allowing me to love unconditionally without the Acceptance Based Performance Love. The kind of love that now says I am letting go and your going to fall and that's OK because life is about falling and getting back up again. 

  I want to model life skills to my children for getting up with grace, providing the tool to handle life's disappointments with maturity and the courage to be bold without tugging the rope of opposition but standing firm in the rapids of a wishy washy controversial society! I want the calloused hands to show love, patience, kindness, gentleness NOT squeezing, controlling, anxiety ridden clenched fist.    

• When you hope, be joyful. When you suffer, be patient. When you pray, be faithful

Romans 12:12

Old patterns take time, constant reminders and consistency to change. I am used to preaching to others the benefits of consistency and I know changing patterns takes repetition and learning a new skill to replace old patterns takes energy, desire and God given perseverance. This has been my summer journey to learn a new skill and stop playing tug of war!

My Sky Sky: Angels Among us-Part 2

My Sky Sky: Angels among us-Part 2: I am answering all the questions but I have no idea how because my body feels paralyzed yet I can see myself  moving and talking to her. &...

Angels Among us-Part 2

I am answering all the questions but I have no idea how because my body feels paralyzed yet I can see myself moving and talking to her. "Does your husband have a will, or a do not resuscitate?"

OMG, I have no idea nor do I really want to know but I SHOULD know. Do I?  Does anyone at 40 years old have a will? I can not breath, I feel my body start leaning into the wall and my legs get weaker and weaker until I slide down in a squat position and my mind begins swirling different scenarios around until I regain my composure.  

"Mrs. Fisher we are transferring your husband to the ICU to monitor him for a brain bleed, which could potentially be serious, but we will keep a close eye on him tonight and see how he does and how is vitals are throughout the night, right now he is in pretty bad shape but he is veryyyy lucky and the facial surgeon has already repaired his eye wound and he may only need minor facial surgery." I blink to wake myself because when I was working at an Occupational Therapy Assistant at a nursing home in Fl. a young gentleman about 40 years old lived there permanently due to a traumatic brain injury from a motorcycle accident.  "Ok"  I said back to doctor!  As I walk past the desk I ask " Can children visit patients in ICU?"  The angel working said "yes they can we have learned that patients do better when they have family visiting." 

The ICU waiting room is filled with people just like us, loved ones that are scared and feeling helpless. Awaiting our arrival in the ICU are two angels that have already made the journey to lend a listening and supportive ear. It is so nice to see a familiar face but as I look around I realize we have nothing to sustain us for a long night. No food, no extra clothes no phone chargers, no books, no kids activities, no caffeine....  Suddenly the two angels that have been loving on us has now turned into 4 then 6 then 10 angels circling around us to offer support and provide for us. 

It is the smallest of things that make the biggest difference! When one of the angels went all the way to a store and back to find the PERFECT shirt for my daughter it broke the water well in my eyes. Anyone that has been following my story would understand this is a true miracle in itself,  A man shopping and finding a shirt the right size, color and most importantly texture for my sensory child is mind-blowing and it truly reminded me that in that moment I may feel helpless but not hopeless! The angels around me take my kids for walks and plan play dates, the distraction from parenting for this moment is priceless.

My son will not go see his father, he stays hidden under the desk crying off and on and I allow him to just be for now but know he will need some TLC in the days to come. Skyler on the other hand needs desperately to see her daddy, she is the only one left that has not seen him and she slowly opens the door and walks tip toe through the halls till she sees the room number then unexpectedly she kneels down and begins crawling toward his room. "Sky baby girl get off the floor please its a hospital and many sick people in here, please get up".  "I can't mom, I just can't go in there, I will look at him from this window", as her fragile eyes spot her dad laying in the bed asleep she begins crying loudly and I rush her out trying not to disturb the other patients. 

The sound of her crying makes my son retreat farther into his hole and I know this will be a very long night, maybe week, maybe long month or year.  I make a deal with the kids we will leave to rest and come right back the minute our eyes open in the morning. I do not want to leave my husband alone, what if he wakes up and no one is there, what if he needs me or gets worse? So many what if's and I tell myslef I can not live my life by what if this and what if that. I need to get my kids home to sleep since the plan is to be here day after day.  I know I can not take care of others if I am not rested and emotionally re-charged.

We all climb into the same bed including both big dogs and hold on tight to any arm or leg you could find until our eyes grow heavy. I awaken several times that night to call the nurse check on him and around two am the Angel that has watched over my husband said "he turned a corner and is now awake and alert". I let out the deepest sigh and start praising the Lord.

The sun peaks into the window reminding us of the tragic accident, but also a reminder of God's goodness no matter what the outcome is when we arrive at the hospital. His plan is perfect and even in the midst of the pain, I feel peace. This time we do not arrive in the ICU waiting room empty handed, we are loaded with bags and bags of food, activities and blankets to accompany us. We settle back into our little corner and check in with some of the others still there from the night before, some with sad news and others good news. 

This time my daughter, Skyler, told me she is going into daddy's room, "I need to SEE him mom" she says. I hold her hand we walk slow and around the corner she stops and peaks in window, "Mom he looks so much better, Look!" I agree with her, he is cleaned up, bandage off his head and blood cleaned up, he is sleeping but looks relaxed finally. I feel my legs start to give out from pure relief but I hold steady knowing this little person on my side needs bravery now. She settles into a chair in his room quite fast holding his hand, talking freely and loudly (LOL) but she feels it too, relief!

She walks back into the ICU waiting room and says "Kendyl you have to see dad he looks SOOOO much better!"  

"NO" he shouts and back under the desk he goes, now with snacks and games to keep his mind busy. 


He has a mix of fear, anger and worry that needs time to heal. He has had a totally different experience then the rest of us, he was on the front lines, witnessing every move, the impact and mental images have taken root in his mind. 

Doctor says he is stable enough to move to regular hospital in main building and changes his initial prognosis from Traumatic Brain Injury to sever concussion. He still needs to me monitored but we are hopeful the recovery is shorter and faster then initially thought. 

Returning home that afternoon with our new plan of hope, my son says "I cant go home and see that blood again mom I just cant". I explain that we have to go home to take care of the dogs and rest and convince him to look away from the accident sight and as I pull closer I see an Angel has stopped by to scrub our driveway clean. The blood is gone! I can not begin to teach my kids what others have taught them in the way they have cared for us. Compassion will never never be forgotten.

The garage door goes up and before we have a chance to get out we notice an Angel has dropped off bags and bags of food waiting for us in ice. This wasnt the first time and it wont be the last, we have food everyday several times a day delivered by many angels and as my brother arrives from OK. to be by my side, we have food for him and his daughter and I am humbled by the generosity.   

My husband is being released, we all go home and as life begins to resume the circumstance has left a deep impression on me and my children. Angels are among us, circling around ready to help, give, love, listen and care for us.  

Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, 
for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.
Hebrews 13:2

Angels Among Us- Part 1

I HAVE to tell this story so the angels among us hear me thank them. I want them to know how valuable they are and the acts of service did not go unnoticed.

In a blink of an eye my husband was on his motorcycle riding in front of my son then suddenly face down on the concrete driveway only 100 feet from our garage. He had put on his riding boots but not his helmet, of course we all say WHAT???  But it is in that instant that we have ALL made THAT one choice to drink and drive, have unprotected sex, or speed in a school zone that could change the course of our lives. It's called an accident, not planned or premeditated but a sudden and possibly tragic moment, a flash of time.

He rode by and said hello to a friend right around the corner from our house passing him only seconds before his accident. Slowly driving over the bridge toward our garage as our 9 year son watched him lose control of the bike and then frantically trying to regain control of the bike, it slid out from under him sliding to the left as he went to the right. The blow to the head knocked him immediately unconscious and his son watched his lifeless dad lay flat on the ground as he frantically sent his electric scooter sailing through the air to run and get help.  He started screaming HELP, HELP.... then proceeded to erratically run through the house looking for daddy's cell phone, calling 911. He ran back to crash site to observe the body laying still and he thought " My dad is dead"!  He proceeded to talk to the 911 operator as he walked down the long driveway to the end of the bridge and standing partially in the road crying with a cell phone to his ear an Angel appeared in a white mini-van and stopped to comfort him staying by his side until the ambulance arrived.

I guess being a super hero started at a young age!

As the paramedic sped into sight they all ran back to the crash site and Patrick (my husband) had gotten up, stumbling to lift his motorcycle then proceeded to walk toward my son (Kendyl). Kendyl's mind spiraled out of control with fear and confusion leaving him in a state of shock.  The paramedics had to force Patrick into the ambulance as they told me later "he was out of his mind" but he kept saying "I'm Fine", so they began the protocol in the ambulance with Patrick then made the phone call to me. Kendyl remembering my cell number called and it was answered by my daughter's bouncy voice and he heard, "Hi Daddy", my son responds " Skyler it's Kendyl, Daddy had a motorcycle accident come home". I can hear his voice on the speaker phone but it is not clear and I only have 2% battery left so Skyler says " mom Kendyl is playing a prank" and hangs up. The paramedic calls back immediately saying "this is not a prank, your husband is going to be fine but we need you to come home, get your son and meet us at the ER".

Skyler begins wailing loudly in the front seat and I have a hard time focusing. "Skyler please calm down I need to drive safely home, let's begin praying sweet girl, the man said on the phone that daddy will be fine". We need to believe him and calm down. That does not stop me from driving like a lunatic till I get to our street. It has a fire truck blocking the entire road, it is then I begin to feel a sense of deep urgency to see my husband and Skyler jumps out of the moving car toward the house. The fireman stops her, calms her down and says "please get back in the car everything is ok". I pass a police officer on the driveway and ask the question I really don't want an answer to- "Did he have a helmet on"?  "No I am sorry mam he did not". I am so angry I think to myself if he is not dead in the back of this vehicle I may kill him before he gets to the hospital but as I walk around the side I see my son running toward me with a look of terror in his eyes and NOTHING matters in this moment except comforting him. He holds on tight and I have no idea and will not know what he went through for several days. Once he is safely in the car I walk fiercely back to the ambulance, I swing open the back door and get ready to unleash the wrath of anger I feel inside but then I see the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with covered in blood, hooked up to several tubes and he is talking in Chinese and the death sentence I was about to administer turned into me sounding like a parrot, "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you". 

The sirens that you hear every day, now has a personal attachment and we follow close behind as if losing sight meant saying good bye and our hearts beat so loud you can barely hear the sniffling. The possibilities of it only being a family of 3 instead of 4 was too close to home in that moment. 

Inside the ER, we wait and wait and wait. Panic will not win..... I keep telling myself and desperately try to comfort and distract my kids from the voices in our heads. My dad arrives then co-workers and still we have not seen the patient, it is almost an hour since we have arrived before I walk through the double doors to his room. The image so vivid in my mind how long his body looked on the bed, his feet are hanging off, his finger nails have blood caked under them (he would hate that), his eye is completely shut and swollen, his face is disfigured with edema, he is violently vomiting blood and he begins to shake, his body vibrates almost off the table then the Angels around him begin to move his gurney out the room and other Angels come rushing in and his bed rolls away from me.  I follow close behind once again sounding like a parrot in case that is all he remembers " I love you, I love you, I love you" and he is gone AGAIN. 

I walk back into the waiting room to find two sweet little faces looking intently at me for answers as if I have any control over the situation and all I can do is shake my head side to side as if saying no. Skyler dramatically curls up in a ball rocking herself to the sound of her crying and my son dives head first into a video game escaping into robot world.  I now realize that this story could have many different ending one of which I live the rest of my life with Patrick, one in which I am changing his diaper and feeding him daily or one in which we have second chances and our life is changed but the same. I begin praying without ceasing. Angels everywhere are doing the same!

Daddy brought Kendyl Home, now Kendyl may be bringing Daddy home!

I have decided NOT to rescue her today!

I sit in my car waiting for the kids to line up for pick up and the self talk begins. I will make no judgement based on yesterday or my fear of tomorrow, I will embrace her today for this moment. Putting on my mommy warrior armor of courage, my mind is clear, my phone is off... I am ready!!! 

She smiles big as soon as our eyes meet and my heart skips a beat, she looks happy! Making our way through the crowd of parents is enough to send me into a panic attack, but we survive and are sitting quietly in the car. INHALE MOM!!!  

Typically this is when the let down of the day and attack mom moments happen, but today she is quiet. NOT a good sign! Normally it would take me asking her several times or days of meltdowns for her to talk about what is wrong, BUT today she starts telling me about the girl drama that happen in school that day and that she had a substitute teacher that was mean, I am all ears and happy we have a quiet car ride home to talk and process. 

"You know the girl that is always mean to me mom, she did it again she said something bad and I cried". I want to grip the steering wheel like its this girls head and squeeze till her eye balls pop out like those stress balls. We have been here done this and have worked this situation over and over and we only have three weeks left of school NOOOOOOO not now, I want to scream! 

I make no sudden sounds or movements so she can continue her story without my aggressive interrupting.  " The girl said sorry and asked me to forgive her, and I did", she wipes the tears and smiles "its all good Mom".  OMG she handled it, she did not retaliate back, she FORGAVE, she talked about it to me and is recovering.

Calmness in my gut has replaced anger and a gratefulness remembering that last year at this time she was recovering from a 3 week in patient hospital stay to help her cope. Seeds of growth bloosom forth in this moment of sunshine. 

The story continued and the smile turned to tears then she told me through a crackly voice that the class lost recess because she couldn't quit crying after the situation. The substitute asked her to stop crying and she couldn't so the teacher said to her "if you were 3 this would be ok but your not 3, your 10 so it's not acceptable". 

Sooo let me get this straight I am thinking in my mind, the class lost recess because my Autistic daughter can't quit crying because she has sensory processing issues, has been emotionally bullied and now very over stimulated? 

I nearly wreck the car with disgust and now full of rage but manage somehow not to show any external signs because I know if I start talking now I will not hear the end of the story.  She tells me the kids all shout "thanks allot Skyler". I start crying but turn away, I can barely stand the thought of her in the middle of this.  I want to rescue her, I want to turn around go back to the school and make it right, I want to rant and rave about her rights and the wrongness of this situations, I want to scream at the top of my lungs....

I clear my head and listen between the lines as she says "and that's the end, it's over and I don't want to talk about it anymore". I begin to talk anyway ignoring her request NOT to talk about it, offering my wise unbiased counsel (NOT), but she says again, "I don't want to talk about it anymore, its all good".

I decided in my mind I was not going to talk about it anymore today but tomorrow I was going to make sure I handled this.  Um NO, I am not going to handle it today or tomorrow either because it has already been handled, she doesn't need me to rescue her. 

I remind myself that is why you have spent the last 7 years, thousands of dollars and hours of time taking her to speech, occupational and physical therapy not to mention social skills groups, counseling and psychiatrist visits so SHE CAN handle this NOT ME! This is a huge milestone for mom/daughter, I have decided not to rescue her today.  

My super hero mom cape is needed in a new way, to support, listen, love and guide QUIETLY with a grateful heart for all the wonderful friends, teachers and therapist that have helped HER handle day to day issues that will happen for the rest of her life. 

  

“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord; plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” 

Jeremiah 29:11

My Sky Sky: I see my Sky!

My Sky Sky: I see my Sky!: I see Sky and I see Beautiful The way she smiles is Wonderful, The world may see her in a different way but I see Sky and I see...

The Reflection

When we moved into our house about a year ago, I realized one day that the entire bathroom had wall to wall mirrors. You can see every part of yourself, from every angle imaginable. Guess if you LOVED yourself this would be an OK but for me, as for most women and an occasional man, the reflection can be piercing.

Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

For many reasons, it could be a general dislike for ones body, or the scars that stare back at you reminding you of what your trying to forget, the face that is melting under the pressure of gravity, the hair being taken over by the grey bomb, the skin losing elasticity and looking like a prune, or it could be a deeper issue of internal reflection. The person, the being, the soul, the heart, the mind all staring back at you - what is it doing, thinking, how has it acted, how has it loved, how will it be remembered and is that person significant?

Finding significance in the reflection is a journey we are all on. The same mirrors surround me today but a new reflection is beginning to stare back at me. A reflection that is not consumed with what others say I should see, with what my unrealistic expectations may be proposing or what my mind has decided to fixate on at that moment. These negative images can have a devastating effect on ALL relationships. If I see myself as a ......., ........, ......... (you fill in the blanks), then this is what my husband, kids and friends will see in me because we begin to portray what we believe about ourselves.

I glance back again and there it is, that negative slope down the cliff of despair, the brain goes into overdrive thinking oh Gosh girl your face looks so tired...I seriously do not have enough energy for another day, my legs need a tan, my feet are throbbing and I just started, how did I get like this... the dogs are whining, the kids peed in bed, the house is dirty, my back hurts and on and on it may go until I STOP! If I were to continue with this thinking as I begin my day and grudgingly start breakfast and carry that reflection with me into my day, I become a Burden instead of a JOY to all that encounter me. 

I do have a choice, I can do the ol' fake it till you make it trick, which stops me from shaming myself temporarily OR I can practice what I preach to my children. 

We can NOT do and be only what we FEEL. Feelings lie, feeling deceive, feelings change, feelings do help give direction but should NOT be left unattended in the drivers seat. Truth is the stability that should drive our decisions, our course of action from moment to moment. Only Truth can teach us contentment and bring true Peace, peace that no reflection can change even when the walls around you are squeezing so tight your head may explode. Divine Peace that passes all understanding. Building a foundation of truth in my children has to start with ME. 

Philippians 4:7-8

Mirror Mirror on the wall who is the greatest of them all? Honestly, no one is the greatest so quit striving and start living, stop judging and start being, stop hating and start loving, stop comparing and start connecting, stop searching and be still, stop hiding and be known!