Why?

I found myself compelled to write, after my morning dog walk led my thoughts to wander to a very still, calm place of acceptance into who I was and how I got here. It is a story of Grace!

The realization that in the middle of my life, I have so many unanswered why's. If I am completely honest, I have had no particular desire to LIVE most of my life and it saddens me to express in words this truth, I also know I am not alone. I have always wanted to go more then I have wanted to stay. 

When I began to think back to the places I have stood, I am awe-struck with intense emotion rumbling inside me of gratitude and contentment. The scars of falling hard have led me to a place of seeking truth. 

How did my hardened, calloused heart that I have worked diligently building walls around protecting it from the daily impact of deceit, sickness, death and destructive people and patterns become soft and open. It is frightening to be this vulnerable but right now it is where I need to be! Keeping myself from sowing the bitterness seed that blossoms into a vineyard of rotten grapes. 

In a world full of grotesque selfish humans why do some of the most loving undeserving people struggle/die. Why was Amy taken from us in high school on the night I was suppose to go to a party with her? Why was Susan taken from us when I was excited to find an old school mate that was in the Pilates industry and also a mom of an Aspie kid? Why was Lisa taken from us when her three small kids needed her?  

We can ask these questions all day everyday and there is no shortage of self help books to give us answers that may settle our stomach but truth is we DON'T know WHY! Losing them meant I lost part of me. A hole anger filled.

I can't imagine the heart pounding drive my father took when the officer informed him his daughter had been in a car accident and he needed to come ASAP. My car hit a curb and flipped onto its side. Two friends inside and me.... ALL fine. Untouched physically but emotionally raged with fear, anger and anxiety. 

The flight my mother took from Tx. to Fl. to come to my rescue and help me get out of the closet after days of hiding and crying because I lost a state court battle over adopting my foster kids, my mom's heart must of been sliced open again to see the state I was in. 

Baby Daniel

My fight back to so called reality after years of wandering through days of deep despair lead me to my knees in surrender, realizing that I have no control. Searching the souls of others trying to find the hope and peace I needed to put a smile on my face day after day was also NOT the answer. Why is the sadness so hard to fight off?

Why can't I just give up? After the abuse, the lonely divorce, a miscarriage, a nasty separation on the second attempt of marriage, the thyroid scare that was the size of a marble, the skin cancer ordeal, the eye issues, the daughter in hospital, the husband in ICU, the complete deterioration of a healthy body, night sweats, the migraines, the child rearing exhausting years and all the family dynamics that make your head spin, the giving and not receiving, the never making ends meet financial crisis and the plaguing reality that I have to do it all again tomorrow. 

It is not my time that's why! We are all pre-set with natural gifts, a certain amount of time here, a brilliant mind and heart to carry us through. Staying focused on what I need to do, with the gifts I have and the time allotted, I set sail on course each morning opening my eyes to a natural groan of... here we go again, like ground hog day but I choose to look outside of myself and into God's plan. 

When I ran track we were taught NOT to look back or to the side to see who is running faster or gaining speed but forward to the finish line. Whether the finish line is today, tomorrow or I have to endure years before I complete my race, may I run the race with perseverance, integrity, clarity, hard work and above all these things may I continue to learn how to love. 

When my arms go up and the rope rips at the end, my heart beating from all my effort and never knowing WHY, I will know for WHO!