Creating Intimacy (my summer goal)

One of my summer goals was to increase the intimacy, not only between us as a family, but for my kids to share moments together that would be building blocks for a strong future relationship. 

I assumed, before I was a mother, that just being siblings created a built in intimacy, a bond that nothing could break. As we all know that is not the case, intimacy needs to be fostered and encouraged with sometimes direct decisions. 

My son is the greatest teacher in this area, he craves quality time and I love how he soaks up side by side time, leaning in and enjoying the companionship.   

 Intimacy:

close familiarity or friendship; closeness!
 

Looking at each child's love language, natural tendencies toward certain things, habits, interest and so on, leads you to build a platform for building deeper relationships. Encouraging exploration and trying new things brings a sense of belonging even if it is a failed attempt. Fear stops growth, so go for it! The tension of stepping into the unknown together can foster intimacy.

We have seen grown men embrace and share this nurturing connection after a stressful meeting or during war time when they have spent time together fighting. We have all seen movies with two strangers that are stranded and they spend so much energy fighting the elements together they are inseparable after. The bond between a coach and a player after a physically vigorous season is undeniable. What is the common denominator in these relationships? TIME?

         Togetherness

   Intentional

      Measurable  

Effective

My son always says "I need some bonding time", I asked him what that meant and he said "when you get together and can see each others expressions, when you laugh, if you are mad or sad?"

Togetherness is a word we have lost with technology. We are at times together but NOT together! I know, you know exactly what I mean, just watch a group of teenage boys play fortnite! 

Making time for togetherness does not always have to look like it did when we were kids because lets be honest things ARE different now and acting like our kids should be able to build a house from sticks they found in the back yard just because we did as a kid may not apply to our area, culture or interest of our children today. 

We live in a digital time with technology at the forefront of every step we take, so instead of fighting against it, what can we do to work within the frame of it to bring intimacy into or back into our family life and/or relationships? Togetherness is a great start, who do you spend quality time with? How often and how long of a time is spent? 

There is no mold that produces togetherness just start small with actually being together with someone you would like to increase intimacy with. Remember when you were younger and you and a friend had a secret language, you would talk to each other and only you two could understand then giggle and giggle. 

I am the first to admit that fear has eroded my enthusiasm for togetherness. I have been battered and beat up within deep relationships and have isolated in protection BUT its time I step back out in faith. I write this post to hold myself accountable to take steps toward togetherness.  

Intentional has been on the forefront of my mind since my daughter was diagnosed with Autism and hospitalized when she was 3. I stood in the elevator riding down to the parking garage and in that moment parenting changed forever for me and for that I am truly grateful. I had been a passive parent, daily surviving the task of managing a family but it had no real purpose until I needed a purpose then it got real. Intentional daily living became a truth and a reality. 
Strategizing, encouraging, guiding and teaching now had clear direction. I formatted a daily agenda that still spurs me on to this day. I realized I needed to create a way to teach Spiritual, Emotional, Physical and Mental Well being within our household and my decisions were based on that order. Re balancing and adjusting as needed for life's twists and turns but always coming back to my core list. 

Measurable may be a little tougher to figure out for some people, so start a journal, blog, podcast or other ways of looking back helps see the trajectory of your intention. Find a reliable resource to be your guide that you trust and want to emulate. What is the end result you wish to achieve? It does not mean that if you do not obtain it you failed, it is a measure in which you can change directions to reallocate your energy, time and resources. 

I have a vivid goal in my mind of wanting my kids to laugh together, to be able to joke around and find comfort in each other when needed. This for many years was not possible in our situation but it was at the top of my priority list so you begin to say NO to some things so that you can make room and time to say YES to the things that lead you to your desired goal.

Effective (to produce a desired effect). Can we as parents, friends, spouses, siblings produce an effect in someone else? Group answer: NOOOOOOO we can not produce it but we can encourage it with how we act, what we say, our verbal cues, facial expressions, time spent and opportunities given.  
Goal + Action = Effective results?  

Soooo lets unwrap this: We have a goal of increasing intimacy which we just discussed means giving unselfishly more time to the relationship. Divide time into a pie graph and allocate your needs then divide your current responsibilities into the remaining time slots. What can you add to or subtract from to increase intimacy in your goal areas. Now that you have a written plan, tell someone about your plan to help you stay on track then.... here is the hard part. DO IT! 

Start slowing adding more time and as you see the fruit blossom from the seeds you have planted begin to assess if you need more water, sun, soil and before you know it, you have been effective in producing a intimacy garden, Enjoy and pass it on!