The late night bottle feedings, diaper changing and constant attention stage has passed. The constant reminders to say thank you and bless you for every sneeze or comment has passed. The teaching of how to brush your teeth and take proper showers has passed.
The Mommmmmmmmmmmmmy I need you stage for something they can do for themselves has passed. The "I forgot ________" can you bring it to me stage has passed.
Now what? What has changed and what needs to change for the next life stage to set the tone for adulthood? What prerequisites are crucial now? What will stick and become part of them?
Even with the cultural differences in parenting regimes and the basic daily responsibilities of shelter, food and water we find ourselves at a cross road during the evolving stages of parenting. What can we offer or give to our children in this stage of life that will produce functional, productive, caring, loving and life giving adults?
It may not always be an age number, it could be a moment that you witness the results of doing too much. The over parenting or not moving from one stage to the next, could have lasting consequences into the teen years that are not pleasant for anyone to witness.
I sat in the car, early for carpool pick up, hoping to read a couple pages of my book (somehow that never happens). I was elated to see my son on the field, a moms dream, insight into the real world of teenage boys. That fire quickly smoothed out by the scene that transpired right before my eyes. A casual game turns into a multi-layered all out fight.
Mommy jumps out the car to rescue and defend, until I realized jumping over the fence and running into the middle of a huge fight may not be the scene my son wants everyone remembering.
Mom gets back in the car and spends her energy watching and assessing to prepare for the lesson I so desperately want to teach. A father beside me nods, smiles and says "Ha boys will be boys!"
Teaching begins with listening and listening begins with a desire to understand. Tone and words matter! "Hey bud, How was your day?" You can guess without me telling you the answer, "Fine".
"Hmmmmmmm" looking calmly right into his eyes. "I was here early and saw the fight", he shuffles uncomfortable in his sit. "Tell me about it." He gives me the cliff notes version but with some vivid details I would rather not of known.
Silence for a moment, I can hear his heart pounding and I can see the signs of stress on his face. The moment will come when he will be ready to hear me but it is not now, I must wait! Teaching many times requires waiting till the person is ready to hear you.
The time has arrived to mother, to offer insight and open the door for dialogue. "Son, I would like to talk to you about today." Sighs, looking away, then "ok".
"Look at me son, I love you and loved seeing who you are becoming on the field today. You were strong, courageous and you wanted to defend the weak. Nothing could bring me more joy then to witness your true heart. However I need you to hear me."
"We can not go into these battles alone, the rage I saw on those boys faces today went deeper then a game gone bad, it was fear and pain and son Hurt People Hurt People. They bring to the table possibilities of poor environments, lack of parental guidance, abuse, loss, hunger or an array of other issues. We have no idea who, what or how others perceive a situation or from what background they come to the situation with."
During my time as a foster parent, I witnesses some horrific abuse, kids enduring situations that I could barely comprehend. These kids would get on the bus, go to school with all that pain bundled up inside. When the opportunity would arise to get some relief they would let it out, sometimes all at once with great intensity and power. There were many powerful moments that I would have to physically hold a child so tight through the screaming, arms swinging and the pain flowing out through crying rage.
I remind myself to mother not smother!
"Son, what I saw was a young man unprepared to handle to battle he was walking into. What I want to teach you, a lesson I learned the hard way, is to look around first. Look right, look left, look behind you then most importantly LOOK UP!"
"If I know you look up and seek help, support and strength from the Almighty Father than ALL things are possible. I will know and be confident that as David slayed Goliath you can endure, withstand and fight against such fear and anger not with your grit but with your God.
I would prefer you to NOT to fight ever, at all but lets be honest, life sometimes puts us in places we never thought we would go and situations we hoped we wouldn't have to face. In these moments LOOK UP, don't go alone, always be willing to walk away and let love be the force of all change."
He responds "I heard you MOM!"
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