Do you think I am beautiful?

The mirror was sitting on the ground waiting to be packed, so as you walked by everyday, you could not help but notice a glimpse of yourself. She passes by it everyday but for some reason today she stopped and paused; then said "Mom do you think I am beautiful?    


 
I wanted to shout as loud as I could, "Are you kidding? Your gorgeous, magnificent, a heart stopper, a rare beauty sweetheart." But I didn't scream out loud, I just paused and thought, what had her eyes seen today that would even cause her to ask that question. How had the input from her vision into her subconscious been derailed causing her to believe she was anything less then beautiful? How does that mirror one day tell us we are beautiful and the other days tell us we are less? 
How could my response reflect the truth, that what we think we see is not always true?  The reflection may seem to clarify our suspicions but it is not always a true picture of who we are. How could I orchestrate a response so well spoken that it would teach her to pull from the depth of inner beauty that the world sometimes can not define?

Her only experience with beauty has been limited to social judgement, social media and social stigma. How is she to know the true definition of beauty when her quirky brain that inputs social cuing is already so limited? 

I slowly tread on thin ice. "Sky why would you ask me that, when you have heard so many people tell you how beautiful you are?" "Is there something or someone that has led you to believe you are anything less than beautiful?"

I think quickly to the list of people I consider truly beautiful and none of them would be on the front of "O" magazine but all of them exemplify boundless beauty beyond the simple minds definition.  

"Skyler what matters most to mommy when I look at the precious face God gave you, is a heart that serves others first, that loves radically and cares deeply for her family and friends. A beautiful women draws from inner strengths rather then dwells on the feedback from external sources. I am your mother and will always think your beautiful but more importantly, do you think your beautiful and do you know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made?"  (Proverbs 139:14)


 

Ungratefulness-The Mind of A Child

I came up with a great excuse, in my head, NOT to write about being grateful. I told myself everyone else was writing about it, so.... I was off the hook. It is hard to write about something you can barely do yourself. Saying thank you and having a grateful spirit is two very different things, in my (for what its worth) opinion.

BUT.... when my son spoke his mind after learning that he had a 5 day weekend coming up, I realized I needed to write this post for myself, to be reminded that I also have a mind of a child.  His response: "Man I wish it was 6 days off!" 

I thought there it is......the just one more day, just a little bigger house, just a few less wrinkles, just another 10 pounds, just a new man/women, a kid that listens, a kid that can play sports well, a newer car, a yard, pool, bangs,shoes, purses, on and on and on it goes. The mind of a child is not just six years old's IT IS ALL OF US!

 

When does it ever stop? How can we be productive and mature when we are stunted by our own lack of gratitude. The very first thoughts running through my mind and that continue running like a commercial song stuck in my head is IF ONLY. Honestly I am challenging myself and all that take time to read this, that we would be NOT just list off the things we are thankful for BUT to listen to that voice in our heads speaking negative thoughts all day driving us to want just one more day off. When you become aware of the time lost thinking of what we don't have, we can open the mind and heart to ALL the glorious things, time and people that we do have in our life.  


This is NOT going to be easy. I have enjoyed the company of anger and bitterness way too long and it has become a companion. It is always by my side, stuck like glue to my spirit, it is a heavy burden that I have carried far too long. To release it would be like losing a partner but to keep it any longer would be losing myself to despair.  Letting go of hurt and pain that feeds on my soul and that eats at the table of Donna Fisher's heart will be a huge step in the grateful direction I so desire this Thanksgiving.



The ability to take this first step will change my effectiveness to teach gratefulness to my children. I am on the road to releasing and I have a feeling it is quite bumpy and I will return to hiding under a rock but praying for the courage to keep drowning out the feelings of JUST ONE MORE, keeping the MIND OF A CHILD where it belongs.......... in 6 year olds.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Looking Back!

My sister giving birth to her son today propelled me into the past.  I have stepped back in time to the day my Sky entered the world. The intense rush of emotions that flood your body all at once can never be forgotten.
Hours of brutal labor and pain does not take away the treasure of that first glance into the eyes of your child.

Time holds still for those first moments and nothing can burst the bubble your floating in, the surreal rawness of total vulnerability. 







How has today come so fast and that moment been so easily forgotten? I am grateful for today when I have been able to reflect back and linger in the past.

Being the oldest of three and the last to have children, the news of not being able to have children hit me hard. I remember this phrase:
"How many times Lord have you heard me cry out and you have gave me strength" by Plumb

The news was obviously inaccurate since several years later I was pregnant, but only after redirecting my life to focus not on my desire but setting aside my so-called plan and walk in faith, was the possibility a possibility.

Those moments of deep sadness and searching changed the way I received the news I was pregnant. In awe struck wonder I praised God for a chance to try again.  He granted that prayer 9 month later with a beautiful baby girl.

 
The month of November reminds us to be thankful in ALL things; the barren womb, the fertile ground, the easy traveled road or the bumpy path, the empty account, the full pantry, the old, the new and all that lies in between. The child that thinks abstractly and the one that made it to heaven first, the man that I call dad and the family that calls me beloved. The hand-me downs, the left overs, the smirks, the frowns and the genuine smiles. Thanksgiving in all shapes, sizes, places and faces be blessed this Thanksgiving Season!

I see my Sky!

I see Sky and I see Beautiful

The way she smiles is Wonderful,

The world may see her in a different way

but I see Sky and I see Beautiful.

I see Sky and I see Marvelous

The way she laughs is Magical,

The world may see her in a different way

but I see Sky and I see Marvelous.

I hear Sky and I hear Remarkable

The way she speaks is Sensational,

The world may hear her in a different way

but I hear Sky and I hear Remarkable.

I hear Sky and I hear Brilliant

The way she understands is Miraculous,

The world may hear her in a different way

but I hear Sky and I hear Brilliant.

I touch Sky and I touch Pleasant

The way she feels is Astonishing,

The world may touch her in a different way

But I touch Sky and I touch Pleasant.

I see my Sky!

                                                           

When I look at you I see ME!

Today you celebrated eight years of living in this world. Eight years of learning and growing. Eight years of forming opinions about things, to learn what you like and don't like, eight years to figure out how to get what you want. This may not seem like a long time BUT with only eight years under your belt you seem to know quite a bit about everything. Your favorite saying is "I KNOW".

You literally organized your entire party from invitations, to ordering plates, marking names on all the goodie hats and explaining to me exactly how you wanted the cup cakes displayed. 

Today you celebrated eight years of being my daughter, an extension of who I am. Molded by my good and bad qualities and shaped by my beliefs.  You are YOU but when I look at you I see ME. I see me when your done watching TV after 15 min, when focusing on specific things draws you into an obsession, when you put my glasses on and giggle. I see me in you when you are fast asleep with eyes closed that round face resting peacefully under the covers.

I see me in you when you can not fix something, your anger escalates into a rage in 10 sec and you search for anything in your path to redirect the emotion. I see me in you when I look at the freckle on you right foot then is symmetrical and perfectly shaped exactly like mine. I see me in you when you are screaming because your hair is so knotty that not even a gallon of de-tangler would help.

When I look at ME I see YOU in all I do, in all I am and in all I want to be. Happy Birthday Sky!
I love you so very much and may this journal be a reminder on those days when you wish looking  at me did not remind you of who you are. There is no me without my better half YOU!

The Sibling Factor

The sibling tends to get left out quite a bit when you have an "extra needs" child. "Extra needs"= my new name for special needs!!!! 

During our experiment of eliminating one of the medications that helped Skyler cope, it became so evident to me the lack of attention and teaching moments my son truly gets. It became more about surviving then parenting. Within less than a month we had regressed back several years into daily violent tantrums, changing the course of our plans each day to match her temperament. The high demands for attention and structure left us on constant edge.  Morning kisses turned into snarls and lack of hygiene, followed by outburst of screaming, hitting and running off. The lack of communication, the lack of ability to cope in crowds, handling noise and following any kind of direction became nonexistent. 

The sibling relationship was slowly dwindling from laughing and playing together, to my son pulling away from her in fear and anger. His inability to comprehend the nature of the situation made him frustrated and retreat.  

The enormous amount of energy it started to require to manage the basic tasks of life left little time for family togetherness.  The bubble that we had lived in years ago started to form back around us. Isolation, confusion and anger characterized the behind the scene picture. I started to question my judgment on trying to live drug free. It seemed like the RIGHT thing to do. everyone talks about natural, organic, drug free, dye free, meat free, milk free BUT we are not FREE. Skyler was in bondage.

The change in her was so dramatic, so undeniable, so apparent that she needed me to make a better choice for her.  Her and I had a talk about how she felt now compared to before and how she was so confused why she could not handle things and she told me she was so sad and mad all the time. She was scared to leave my side at camp and church, places she goes all the time. The darkness in her eyes began to speak to me and I had to listen to her crying out for help.

So what may be RIGHT for someone is not RIGHT for everyone. The truth is within 24 hours of her first dosage back on the meds, my daughter hugged me for the first time in three weeks. She laughed with her brother, could look in my eyes and respond appropriately. I am not giving up hope that my baby girl could live without assistance from pharmaceuticals one day but for now to see her happy in her skin, living, loving and laughing means more to me than being RIGHT!

The makings of a Champion

 

 

The past couple of weeks my daughter and I have had our own Olympic training to do.  See.... for the past 3 years she has had the aid of a very powerful drug called Risperdal (Risperidone)

Risperidone is used to treat the symptoms of schizophrenia (a mental illness that causes disturbed or unusual thinking, loss of interest in life, and strong or inappropriate emotions) in adults and teenagers 13 years of age and older. It is also used to treat episodes of mania.

Risperidone helps her deal with the little annoyances of this world that overwhelm her.  Our hope has always been that she could manage one day without a class D medication, by use coping skills to live life. The same world we all have to learn to live in, navigating in and out of challenges, using a variety of coping skills, some destructive and others that are constructive. I am learning along the way,  how I have habits that have become my coping skills since I was her age.

The journey began with vigor and tenacity on my part and little perceptive on what this would entail. Sounds like many Olympian hopefuls!

 

So let's take a short trip inside the brain where your sensory system takes input from touch, sound, taste and hearing to send a message to the brain and the brain tells the body to react to the stimulus. The reaction from this input can be positive or negative based on the brains perception. SO! She has had trouble since around 3 dealing with certain stimulus and reacting appropriately. The medication gave us time and has allowed us to teach her coping skills using speech and other forms of therapy to reinforce positive habits that are constructive. With the aid of medication she was able to adhere to such programs and continue to make progress and mature. Fast forward the clock now to current day and time. She is about to be 8 years old and has had a significant amount of time to learn and grow. She has had a long smooth patch of good behavior, good decision making and appropriate responses to stimulus. The time has come to stop aiding her with a class D medication and rely on coping skills and a class A drug (example: anti-anxiety).

It is now one month before school starts so the time is right to begin training for the GOLD! To date it has been three weeks without Risperdal and each day has been a progressive downhill slide of anxiety, deconstructive reactions and negative responses to stimulus. I have had bread, crackers and ice thrown at me, constant NO for a response, loud screaming responses to simple questions, clinging to my leg when asked to go camp, more affection toward animals then people and the latest was an attempt to run away. It grieves my heart to watch her go from glowing with independence and maturing in character to slipping back into isolation and constant irritation.

I have been thinking about what makes a champion! What gets us from where we are right now to where we want to be without losing our mind along the way. Is a champion made by a GOLD medal or do we associate the arrival of perfection the end of the competition. After we have the initial to add to our name then what?

What makes a champion is one that wins the GOLD and realizes that it is NOT the medal but what they do with it that makes them the winner.

Where do you go after you win, how do you love others after you have been the best, how does living the mundane affect you after the exciting wears off and how do you let the thrill of the competition go for the skill of handling everyday tasks. 

How do I choose what is best for her? Which road do I take? What does a champion do when faced with a major decision that will affect others lives? The paved road or gravel for my training ground? 

My answer: God already knows where I am going, the plan has been set before me. He is the true Champion, he is my protector and provider and I need to seek first his will not mine then the path will be right, whether it is paved or not. 

Her new best friend Toady!