The Transition to Middle School

It rarely crossed my mind years ago, when all I wanted was "so called" normalcy, the idea of my daughter Skyler, going to middle school. The turmoil that propelled us into a constant state of alert was daily and all we could do was survive moment to moment. 

If you would of told me years ago when I sat outside my car holding my son while my precious daughter was raging in the back seat so uncontrollably that we had to get out of the car, lock her inside and call daddy, that she would be going to middle school, and thriving, I would of thought you mad. 

The event at the mall is so deeply ingrained in my memory, of a man chasing my daughter through the parking lot, abandoning his cup of coffee up in the air to save her from herself. I stood helpless holding my son under a tree begging God for it to STOP. I had soooooo many unanswered questions, so much anger, so much fear, I truly was lost. It did not matter that I was an older mom, once a pediatric COTA and foster parent or that I loved loved loved kids, I was now completely and totally LOST! The stranger managed to scoop her up before she ran into the road and carried her thrusting body back to me.

 
Her second stay at Children's resulted in several kids going to a group home upon discharge, which saddened me beyond comprehension, for those parents unable to cope. 

Walking hand in hand with her to our car, I vowed never to give up on her. I would fight until every breath had left my body, she was our child given to us as a gift to cherish and in that moment I knew we were going to make it. My hand was being held not only by my daughter but by my God.   

Third grade resulted in hospitalization, 4th grade I pulled her out to home school however we now celebrate a 5th grader about to embark on a new journey and we can honestly say this has been the best year of her short life. She has blossomed into a young women that seeks independence, not always handling it correctly, but learning to adjust. A girl that can stand firm in her faith and hold steady to strong winds of uncertainty with less collapsing under the pressure. The challenge we have set before her this year of finding solutions has paid off and has allowed her to believe in herself more. 

The sibling relationship with her brother that has been a work in progress, strained by fear as he dealt and coped with more then a child should have to, has now manifested itself into times of laughter and a possibility of trust.  

The joy it brings my soul when I hear a simple interaction, not rippled with tension, between my two kids has that peace I have been longing for laced through it like glitter on a canvas. 

My heart doesn't start rapidly beating as I run to rescue my son Kendyl and begin the plan of escape, it just beats normally with a pause to reflect and I appreciate its rarity. I wouldn't of even noticed or may have taken it for granted had I not seen and experienced the other side. Even though we still have moments of defiant chaos and loss of control, the tools are in place to help guide us back to each other with less scarring.  

It is with a full heart I thank ALL her doctors, teachers, friends, my amazing family and the other parents that have walked beside us, not judging or blaming, loving us when we felt unlovable, showing up when we needed them most and for listening to me cry out for help and providing joy in deep sadness.  

Thank you for rejoicing with me in the baby steps and being my rock when everything else felt like sinking sand. There is not a day of her life that would be possible, without the community God has put in place to open the doors of her life to be a platform for YOUR goodness to shine. 

The process of finding a school to continue her education has been a grueling job marked with many closed doors however we emerge thru the dark cloud into a shining light of hope. A place filled with hope and potential for meeting our needs has been a gift beyond our expectations. The transition to middle school begins!

Isaiah 43:18-19

 “Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

The Heart of a Lion

 Embarking on the next step of childhood, my son is about to be double digits. The gripping feeling that I haven't told him enough how much I love him, taught him enough about how to be brave, how to fight for what is true and right, how to really love yourself and others well or how to get up even when it hurts is hard to face but needs to be spoken out loud. The wide open space he wants to leap into with boldness but not quite ready to handle the possible strain drops me to my knees in prayer. 

Praying that the child who was described as, having a heart of a lion, will keep his roar fierce but humble, loud but gentle and ferocious only when needed. 

Praying that his funny, sensitive and genuinely thoughtful nature will continue to grow and not be smothered

by the heavy breath of defeat from life disappointments.  

Praying he sees and honors us as his parents until the day we take our last inhale. 

Praying that his talent is used for good, to shine light on the gift giver and not himself.

Praying for peace of mind when the effort doesn't yield the results. 

Praying he continues loving his sister when she seems unlovable at times and that he will continue to say " I forgive you" no matter how many times she ask.

With all the love a mother can hold bundled up in her chest, I speak so he can hear me say,  "Happy Birthday Son, I love you from the depth of my being into the core of your soul, I give to you all that I am. I cherish the past 9 years you have taught me to give unconditionally with no regrets, to love past the hurt, pain and fear, to sacrifice so you can move beyond me".  

 Like Timothy, may my son be an example to believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. 1Timothy 4:12

My daughter is NOT me!

The coach looked at me strangely for a moment after I asked him, Why he put my daughter in sports club when she signed up to be in book club? "Well your a trainer right?  "Yes" I respond, "but what does that have to do with my daughter".  He sighs with a smirk on his face, "well I thought she would want to be in there that's all".  I politely asked him if he had kids. "No, I do not".  

Inhale girl... then reply.. you have been here before and you will be here again. 

"Coach when or if you do have children you will learn that they are NOT you, they are a glimpse of you and may have some attributes of you but they are NOT you". I have learned this lesson the hard way, by pushing my daughter away instead of embracing and supporting who she is. (click to watch video below)

                                                                                                  

Do you see any smiling? Um.... that would be a NO and it could be because more then likely she is not having fun. I thought it was fun, clearly from the loud screaming, but looking back maybe not so much for her. Then it was ice skating, horse back riding, soccer, volleyball, kids boot camp class, swim team and karate all of which she states she does not enjoy. 
 
Frustrated and feeling like a failure as a mother because my daughter does not have a THING. A sport, a plan, a desire to win and play hard, a team to push her, she will not get a scholarship or find true happiness without her....... blah blah blah......... STOP just stop. 

My daughter's happiness does not depend on her having a room full of trophies. She will only remember me screaming at her on the field, court or pool side and the feeling I may be leaving with her is, she is never good enough. 

I can not take that chance, her spirit is worth more to me then my ridiculous goals of her obtaining a scholarship. Refocusing on what really matters helps find the true desire of a child's soul. 

New parenting strategy. Be available for everything, truly listen, stop what your doing to look, don't push your own agenda, be sensitive to change and soften your voice to encourage. Magic Happened! What I discovered is a young women passionately in love with creation, wildly connected to animals and fiercely intend on learning about all living things. 

        I would of missed the most important thing about my job as a mother if I would of kept to my original plan. How sad that would of been! 

She may not be me and I am sooo glad she is not because she is SO much more. 


 

What an adventure to live in her shoes and how boring it would of been to re create my life in her. We do not need to correct the mistakes we made through our kids lives or try to make up for what we didn't have. It is about who they are and who they need us to be for that to happen. 

  Find that light and let it shine this precious little light of mine!

THE Look Of Judgement

There it is, "THE" look!

The look of a mom judging another, BAM! The air thickens and I find it hard to breath, I know what she is thinking, I am one of THOSE moms. "Your daughter is doing a,a,a pageant, hmmmm that's kinda different for you guys."

How do I respond when I feel the same way myself? It is very different for us, for me, for her. I am OK with different, what I am not OK with... is the judging look.

I, like her, am always judging, not understanding why someone does something, I could be I do not not care enough to find out why and give "THE" look I was now being given. I am learning to ask instead of assume, it takes a simple question, "tell me more about that or this", so I can understand and not judge, I can learn and grow through others adventures and experiences. Judging stunts our growth and we miss out on new things that we could share with others.

It was an open casting call, I was only interested in her learning three things:

1. Making Eye Contact 
2. Sitting up straight  
3. Talking directly to another person in an interview.

I have been told these are the areas that would be hard for her, so.... what's a mom to do if someone tells you something will be hard for your child, we look for ways to teach them so it NOT hard for them. That's my job! We had already accomplished more in this initial process with her wearing a skirt and cute shoes, I was not about to stop now!

Skyler, my son and I sat in a conference room listening to the director give us all the details and then he said "now your daughters will go be photographed and interviewed." WHAT???? Today, right now? I look at her for signs of stress, but she sees all the other girls get up so she gets up and with a half smile, she looks at me and says "Can Kendyl go?"  "No Skyler this is all about you and letting your light shine through." Kendyl then follows it up with "Skyler Sit Up Straight, I will watch you and remind you with my hands to sit up when you start to slump." She giggles and walks away with several other hundred girls. I looked at my son Kendyl and he says "Mom she can not do this!"

I was even more determined to help her try now because I knew he was not the only person thinking that exact thought and I believe ALL things are possible. I respond, "Weelllll I said, I believe she can Kendyl your sister picks up skills from mimicking others, that's how her brain works, she is a very fast learner, lets close our eyes, say a little prayer and if it is meant to be then she will do well and if not ...we had fun trying and we will go get ice cream."

We run to her side as she approaches us then walk quietly out of the lobby. Kendyl and I both start talking at the same time, "What happen, how did you do, what did they ask, are you OK?" "Mom, Mom stop I am fine!" then she smiles soooo big and I said "WHAT?"  "Guess what my interview question was?" In my prayer I had asked if this was the path we were suppose to be on to please allow the question to be something she could talk about and relate to and if not that we would know  this was not something that would help her grow and learn and on to the next thing we go.

 "Mom they asked if I had any pets!"

I just shook my head side to side and we giggled all the way to the car. I had no idea what I was doing however I knew loving and supporting her was a great place to start. The research begins, questions asked, people recruited to assist us and off we go on a 6 month journey toward the National American Miss Pageant. 

Autism - Athlete - Pet Sitter - Pageant Girl

 no limits in how or where a child can learn to shine!

There are too many prep stories to write them all here but I will highlight some significant moments as an encouraging push to try something new. The background story of My SkySky is a significant part of what made the weekend a huge success, not winning a crown or title but winning over fear.  

 Her enthusiasm was inspiring, she had no idea what she was doing and many of the elements were terrifying to her however she kept moving forward. Making calls to friends and family for sponsorship, practicing with a hair brush the introduction speech, walking tall, standing in model stance, watching videos and overcoming sensory issues trying on different types of clothes. 

A couple years ago I had decided to stop trying to be her everything and learned that she, like many, do better when someone else is the leader or teacher. This approach worked like a charm having someone else help with hair, clothes and routine gave me the freedom to be errand girl and cheerleader. What a pleasure it was to serve my little princess all weekend long!

Skyler completed every required category including her on stage 30 sec personal introduction in front of judges with poise. We had a talk on the way home after the first long day of events and she said "Mom, I am so stressed, this is hard to do." "Yes it is Sky, so so hard and there will be many time in life we will be faced with scary, hard things and we have to decide if facing it will help us or hurt us." I asked her if she felt pushing on would hurt her or help her and if the stress was good stress making her want to achieve or bad stress hurting her making her want to hide. She thought for a brief moment and she replied with great confidence "Good stress, It will help me, I want to finish!"

The finale was filled as you can imagine with high emotions and energy but also full of gratitude and love. We were surrounded by her friends that have supported her through thick and thin cheering her on and her sponsors that believed she could excel. My heart was abounding in thanksgiving and I was inspired at all she had overcome in three days. Leaving the building for the last time Skyler stopped her dad and I and said with tearful eyes I have to tell you something, "Thank you for bringing me to this, I could not have done any of this without you, I had soooooo much fun!"

Philippians 4:13  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Tug Of War

I realized today that I have been in a never ending game of tug a war with everyone and everything for the past 40+ years. 

The constant battle of pulling in the opposite direction of something or someone else is exhausting and unrewarding. The battle began with me in high school playing tug a war with the culture, the rules, the standards and the normality of being a teenager. The game continued with the relationship between my siblings and my parents, gripping with both hands against the ones that loved me the most. 

Fast forwarding through many years of relationships, then to my marriage and now my parenting and the pattern has continued. I would of placed this skill in the strength column of my personality, however it has occurred to me that the constant tugging leads to fraying. Fraying the spirit and fraying relationships!

The callouses from the rope is proof that I have struggled and I am thankful for the reminder but now when I look at my open hands I am reminded they were meant for letting go NOT holding on.  

Your mind changes when your heart changes and your Re-actions change when your actions change. My reactions to the daily grind, raising kids, working, aging and then repeating it again the next day is different with open hands then the ones that were held tight around the rope.  

Releasing the grip is also allowing me to love unconditionally without the Acceptance Based Performance Love. The kind of love that now says I am letting go and your going to fall and that's OK because life is about falling and getting back up again. 

  I want to model life skills to my children for getting up with grace, providing the tool to handle life's disappointments with maturity and the courage to be bold without tugging the rope of opposition but standing firm in the rapids of a wishy washy controversial society! I want the calloused hands to show love, patience, kindness, gentleness NOT squeezing, controlling, anxiety ridden clenched fist.    

• When you hope, be joyful. When you suffer, be patient. When you pray, be faithful

Romans 12:12

Old patterns take time, constant reminders and consistency to change. I am used to preaching to others the benefits of consistency and I know changing patterns takes repetition and learning a new skill to replace old patterns takes energy, desire and God given perseverance. This has been my summer journey to learn a new skill and stop playing tug of war!

My Sky Sky: Angels Among us-Part 2

My Sky Sky: Angels among us-Part 2: I am answering all the questions but I have no idea how because my body feels paralyzed yet I can see myself  moving and talking to her. &...

Angels Among us-Part 2

I am answering all the questions but I have no idea how because my body feels paralyzed yet I can see myself moving and talking to her. "Does your husband have a will, or a do not resuscitate?"

OMG, I have no idea nor do I really want to know but I SHOULD know. Do I?  Does anyone at 40 years old have a will? I can not breath, I feel my body start leaning into the wall and my legs get weaker and weaker until I slide down in a squat position and my mind begins swirling different scenarios around until I regain my composure.  

"Mrs. Fisher we are transferring your husband to the ICU to monitor him for a brain bleed, which could potentially be serious, but we will keep a close eye on him tonight and see how he does and how is vitals are throughout the night, right now he is in pretty bad shape but he is veryyyy lucky and the facial surgeon has already repaired his eye wound and he may only need minor facial surgery." I blink to wake myself because when I was working at an Occupational Therapy Assistant at a nursing home in Fl. a young gentleman about 40 years old lived there permanently due to a traumatic brain injury from a motorcycle accident.  "Ok"  I said back to doctor!  As I walk past the desk I ask " Can children visit patients in ICU?"  The angel working said "yes they can we have learned that patients do better when they have family visiting." 

The ICU waiting room is filled with people just like us, loved ones that are scared and feeling helpless. Awaiting our arrival in the ICU are two angels that have already made the journey to lend a listening and supportive ear. It is so nice to see a familiar face but as I look around I realize we have nothing to sustain us for a long night. No food, no extra clothes no phone chargers, no books, no kids activities, no caffeine....  Suddenly the two angels that have been loving on us has now turned into 4 then 6 then 10 angels circling around us to offer support and provide for us. 

It is the smallest of things that make the biggest difference! When one of the angels went all the way to a store and back to find the PERFECT shirt for my daughter it broke the water well in my eyes. Anyone that has been following my story would understand this is a true miracle in itself,  A man shopping and finding a shirt the right size, color and most importantly texture for my sensory child is mind-blowing and it truly reminded me that in that moment I may feel helpless but not hopeless! The angels around me take my kids for walks and plan play dates, the distraction from parenting for this moment is priceless.

My son will not go see his father, he stays hidden under the desk crying off and on and I allow him to just be for now but know he will need some TLC in the days to come. Skyler on the other hand needs desperately to see her daddy, she is the only one left that has not seen him and she slowly opens the door and walks tip toe through the halls till she sees the room number then unexpectedly she kneels down and begins crawling toward his room. "Sky baby girl get off the floor please its a hospital and many sick people in here, please get up".  "I can't mom, I just can't go in there, I will look at him from this window", as her fragile eyes spot her dad laying in the bed asleep she begins crying loudly and I rush her out trying not to disturb the other patients. 

The sound of her crying makes my son retreat farther into his hole and I know this will be a very long night, maybe week, maybe long month or year.  I make a deal with the kids we will leave to rest and come right back the minute our eyes open in the morning. I do not want to leave my husband alone, what if he wakes up and no one is there, what if he needs me or gets worse? So many what if's and I tell myslef I can not live my life by what if this and what if that. I need to get my kids home to sleep since the plan is to be here day after day.  I know I can not take care of others if I am not rested and emotionally re-charged.

We all climb into the same bed including both big dogs and hold on tight to any arm or leg you could find until our eyes grow heavy. I awaken several times that night to call the nurse check on him and around two am the Angel that has watched over my husband said "he turned a corner and is now awake and alert". I let out the deepest sigh and start praising the Lord.

The sun peaks into the window reminding us of the tragic accident, but also a reminder of God's goodness no matter what the outcome is when we arrive at the hospital. His plan is perfect and even in the midst of the pain, I feel peace. This time we do not arrive in the ICU waiting room empty handed, we are loaded with bags and bags of food, activities and blankets to accompany us. We settle back into our little corner and check in with some of the others still there from the night before, some with sad news and others good news. 

This time my daughter, Skyler, told me she is going into daddy's room, "I need to SEE him mom" she says. I hold her hand we walk slow and around the corner she stops and peaks in window, "Mom he looks so much better, Look!" I agree with her, he is cleaned up, bandage off his head and blood cleaned up, he is sleeping but looks relaxed finally. I feel my legs start to give out from pure relief but I hold steady knowing this little person on my side needs bravery now. She settles into a chair in his room quite fast holding his hand, talking freely and loudly (LOL) but she feels it too, relief!

She walks back into the ICU waiting room and says "Kendyl you have to see dad he looks SOOOO much better!"  

"NO" he shouts and back under the desk he goes, now with snacks and games to keep his mind busy. 


He has a mix of fear, anger and worry that needs time to heal. He has had a totally different experience then the rest of us, he was on the front lines, witnessing every move, the impact and mental images have taken root in his mind. 

Doctor says he is stable enough to move to regular hospital in main building and changes his initial prognosis from Traumatic Brain Injury to sever concussion. He still needs to me monitored but we are hopeful the recovery is shorter and faster then initially thought. 

Returning home that afternoon with our new plan of hope, my son says "I cant go home and see that blood again mom I just cant". I explain that we have to go home to take care of the dogs and rest and convince him to look away from the accident sight and as I pull closer I see an Angel has stopped by to scrub our driveway clean. The blood is gone! I can not begin to teach my kids what others have taught them in the way they have cared for us. Compassion will never never be forgotten.

The garage door goes up and before we have a chance to get out we notice an Angel has dropped off bags and bags of food waiting for us in ice. This wasnt the first time and it wont be the last, we have food everyday several times a day delivered by many angels and as my brother arrives from OK. to be by my side, we have food for him and his daughter and I am humbled by the generosity.   

My husband is being released, we all go home and as life begins to resume the circumstance has left a deep impression on me and my children. Angels are among us, circling around ready to help, give, love, listen and care for us.  

Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, 
for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.
Hebrews 13:2