Ungratefulness-The Mind of A Child

I came up with a great excuse, in my head, NOT to write about being grateful. I told myself everyone else was writing about it, so.... I was off the hook. It is hard to write about something you can barely do yourself. Saying thank you and having a grateful spirit is two very different things, in my (for what its worth) opinion.

BUT.... when my son spoke his mind after learning that he had a 5 day weekend coming up, I realized I needed to write this post for myself, to be reminded that I also have a mind of a child.  His response: "Man I wish it was 6 days off!" 

I thought there it is......the just one more day, just a little bigger house, just a few less wrinkles, just another 10 pounds, just a new man/women, a kid that listens, a kid that can play sports well, a newer car, a yard, pool, bangs,shoes, purses, on and on and on it goes. The mind of a child is not just six years old's IT IS ALL OF US!

 

When does it ever stop? How can we be productive and mature when we are stunted by our own lack of gratitude. The very first thoughts running through my mind and that continue running like a commercial song stuck in my head is IF ONLY. Honestly I am challenging myself and all that take time to read this, that we would be NOT just list off the things we are thankful for BUT to listen to that voice in our heads speaking negative thoughts all day driving us to want just one more day off. When you become aware of the time lost thinking of what we don't have, we can open the mind and heart to ALL the glorious things, time and people that we do have in our life.  


This is NOT going to be easy. I have enjoyed the company of anger and bitterness way too long and it has become a companion. It is always by my side, stuck like glue to my spirit, it is a heavy burden that I have carried far too long. To release it would be like losing a partner but to keep it any longer would be losing myself to despair.  Letting go of hurt and pain that feeds on my soul and that eats at the table of Donna Fisher's heart will be a huge step in the grateful direction I so desire this Thanksgiving.



The ability to take this first step will change my effectiveness to teach gratefulness to my children. I am on the road to releasing and I have a feeling it is quite bumpy and I will return to hiding under a rock but praying for the courage to keep drowning out the feelings of JUST ONE MORE, keeping the MIND OF A CHILD where it belongs.......... in 6 year olds.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Looking Back!

My sister giving birth to her son today propelled me into the past.  I have stepped back in time to the day my Sky entered the world. The intense rush of emotions that flood your body all at once can never be forgotten.
Hours of brutal labor and pain does not take away the treasure of that first glance into the eyes of your child.

Time holds still for those first moments and nothing can burst the bubble your floating in, the surreal rawness of total vulnerability. 







How has today come so fast and that moment been so easily forgotten? I am grateful for today when I have been able to reflect back and linger in the past.

Being the oldest of three and the last to have children, the news of not being able to have children hit me hard. I remember this phrase:
"How many times Lord have you heard me cry out and you have gave me strength" by Plumb

The news was obviously inaccurate since several years later I was pregnant, but only after redirecting my life to focus not on my desire but setting aside my so-called plan and walk in faith, was the possibility a possibility.

Those moments of deep sadness and searching changed the way I received the news I was pregnant. In awe struck wonder I praised God for a chance to try again.  He granted that prayer 9 month later with a beautiful baby girl.

 
The month of November reminds us to be thankful in ALL things; the barren womb, the fertile ground, the easy traveled road or the bumpy path, the empty account, the full pantry, the old, the new and all that lies in between. The child that thinks abstractly and the one that made it to heaven first, the man that I call dad and the family that calls me beloved. The hand-me downs, the left overs, the smirks, the frowns and the genuine smiles. Thanksgiving in all shapes, sizes, places and faces be blessed this Thanksgiving Season!

I see my Sky!

I see Sky and I see Beautiful

The way she smiles is Wonderful,

The world may see her in a different way

but I see Sky and I see Beautiful.

I see Sky and I see Marvelous

The way she laughs is Magical,

The world may see her in a different way

but I see Sky and I see Marvelous.

I hear Sky and I hear Remarkable

The way she speaks is Sensational,

The world may hear her in a different way

but I hear Sky and I hear Remarkable.

I hear Sky and I hear Brilliant

The way she understands is Miraculous,

The world may hear her in a different way

but I hear Sky and I hear Brilliant.

I touch Sky and I touch Pleasant

The way she feels is Astonishing,

The world may touch her in a different way

But I touch Sky and I touch Pleasant.

I see my Sky!

                                                           

When I look at you I see ME!

Today you celebrated eight years of living in this world. Eight years of learning and growing. Eight years of forming opinions about things, to learn what you like and don't like, eight years to figure out how to get what you want. This may not seem like a long time BUT with only eight years under your belt you seem to know quite a bit about everything. Your favorite saying is "I KNOW".

You literally organized your entire party from invitations, to ordering plates, marking names on all the goodie hats and explaining to me exactly how you wanted the cup cakes displayed. 

Today you celebrated eight years of being my daughter, an extension of who I am. Molded by my good and bad qualities and shaped by my beliefs.  You are YOU but when I look at you I see ME. I see me when your done watching TV after 15 min, when focusing on specific things draws you into an obsession, when you put my glasses on and giggle. I see me in you when you are fast asleep with eyes closed that round face resting peacefully under the covers.

I see me in you when you can not fix something, your anger escalates into a rage in 10 sec and you search for anything in your path to redirect the emotion. I see me in you when I look at the freckle on you right foot then is symmetrical and perfectly shaped exactly like mine. I see me in you when you are screaming because your hair is so knotty that not even a gallon of de-tangler would help.

When I look at ME I see YOU in all I do, in all I am and in all I want to be. Happy Birthday Sky!
I love you so very much and may this journal be a reminder on those days when you wish looking  at me did not remind you of who you are. There is no me without my better half YOU!

The Sibling Factor

The sibling tends to get left out quite a bit when you have an "extra needs" child. "Extra needs"= my new name for special needs!!!! 

During our experiment of eliminating one of the medications that helped Skyler cope, it became so evident to me the lack of attention and teaching moments my son truly gets. It became more about surviving then parenting. Within less than a month we had regressed back several years into daily violent tantrums, changing the course of our plans each day to match her temperament. The high demands for attention and structure left us on constant edge.  Morning kisses turned into snarls and lack of hygiene, followed by outburst of screaming, hitting and running off. The lack of communication, the lack of ability to cope in crowds, handling noise and following any kind of direction became nonexistent. 

The sibling relationship was slowly dwindling from laughing and playing together, to my son pulling away from her in fear and anger. His inability to comprehend the nature of the situation made him frustrated and retreat.  

The enormous amount of energy it started to require to manage the basic tasks of life left little time for family togetherness.  The bubble that we had lived in years ago started to form back around us. Isolation, confusion and anger characterized the behind the scene picture. I started to question my judgment on trying to live drug free. It seemed like the RIGHT thing to do. everyone talks about natural, organic, drug free, dye free, meat free, milk free BUT we are not FREE. Skyler was in bondage.

The change in her was so dramatic, so undeniable, so apparent that she needed me to make a better choice for her.  Her and I had a talk about how she felt now compared to before and how she was so confused why she could not handle things and she told me she was so sad and mad all the time. She was scared to leave my side at camp and church, places she goes all the time. The darkness in her eyes began to speak to me and I had to listen to her crying out for help.

So what may be RIGHT for someone is not RIGHT for everyone. The truth is within 24 hours of her first dosage back on the meds, my daughter hugged me for the first time in three weeks. She laughed with her brother, could look in my eyes and respond appropriately. I am not giving up hope that my baby girl could live without assistance from pharmaceuticals one day but for now to see her happy in her skin, living, loving and laughing means more to me than being RIGHT!

The makings of a Champion

 

 

The past couple of weeks my daughter and I have had our own Olympic training to do.  See.... for the past 3 years she has had the aid of a very powerful drug called Risperdal (Risperidone)

Risperidone is used to treat the symptoms of schizophrenia (a mental illness that causes disturbed or unusual thinking, loss of interest in life, and strong or inappropriate emotions) in adults and teenagers 13 years of age and older. It is also used to treat episodes of mania.

Risperidone helps her deal with the little annoyances of this world that overwhelm her.  Our hope has always been that she could manage one day without a class D medication, by use coping skills to live life. The same world we all have to learn to live in, navigating in and out of challenges, using a variety of coping skills, some destructive and others that are constructive. I am learning along the way,  how I have habits that have become my coping skills since I was her age.

The journey began with vigor and tenacity on my part and little perceptive on what this would entail. Sounds like many Olympian hopefuls!

 

So let's take a short trip inside the brain where your sensory system takes input from touch, sound, taste and hearing to send a message to the brain and the brain tells the body to react to the stimulus. The reaction from this input can be positive or negative based on the brains perception. SO! She has had trouble since around 3 dealing with certain stimulus and reacting appropriately. The medication gave us time and has allowed us to teach her coping skills using speech and other forms of therapy to reinforce positive habits that are constructive. With the aid of medication she was able to adhere to such programs and continue to make progress and mature. Fast forward the clock now to current day and time. She is about to be 8 years old and has had a significant amount of time to learn and grow. She has had a long smooth patch of good behavior, good decision making and appropriate responses to stimulus. The time has come to stop aiding her with a class D medication and rely on coping skills and a class A drug (example: anti-anxiety).

It is now one month before school starts so the time is right to begin training for the GOLD! To date it has been three weeks without Risperdal and each day has been a progressive downhill slide of anxiety, deconstructive reactions and negative responses to stimulus. I have had bread, crackers and ice thrown at me, constant NO for a response, loud screaming responses to simple questions, clinging to my leg when asked to go camp, more affection toward animals then people and the latest was an attempt to run away. It grieves my heart to watch her go from glowing with independence and maturing in character to slipping back into isolation and constant irritation.

I have been thinking about what makes a champion! What gets us from where we are right now to where we want to be without losing our mind along the way. Is a champion made by a GOLD medal or do we associate the arrival of perfection the end of the competition. After we have the initial to add to our name then what?

What makes a champion is one that wins the GOLD and realizes that it is NOT the medal but what they do with it that makes them the winner.

Where do you go after you win, how do you love others after you have been the best, how does living the mundane affect you after the exciting wears off and how do you let the thrill of the competition go for the skill of handling everyday tasks. 

How do I choose what is best for her? Which road do I take? What does a champion do when faced with a major decision that will affect others lives? The paved road or gravel for my training ground? 

My answer: God already knows where I am going, the plan has been set before me. He is the true Champion, he is my protector and provider and I need to seek first his will not mine then the path will be right, whether it is paved or not. 

Her new best friend Toady!

Allowing others to teach my kids what I can not!

Sometimes as Mighty Mom, I want to teach my kids all they need to know, BUT truth be told for me that may be more about control and pride. Allowing others to teach my kids, what I can not, requires trust, faith and humility; none of which I can say come easy for me.

There is the school teacher, music teacher, skating teacher, best friends mom, grandparents, aunts, uncles, doctors, therapist plus all the other folks that throw insight into my children's path that influence how my kids perceive life. It is overwhelming to let this little human, that you brought into the world, lean into others advice.  

Summer time brings a whole new set of anxiety for me because we now have less influence of others teaching my kids and more of ME!!!!  Asperger kids tend to strive on structure and summer time is far from structured! It seems almost suffocating to imagine as May begins to unwind, remembering back to last year when the summer was one of the hardest times. Balancing the free time with activities that would not over stimulate while working full time and dealing with appropriate child care issues. The thought of going back to possible meltdowns or regressing from such a productive year was something I refused to dwell on.  This summer is going to be different, BETTER!

............................................................................................................

My daughter agreed to go to soccer camp IF her brother would go with her and my heart raced with delight. A group sport, with a ball, new people and it requires coordination. All of which is extremely hard for her. She really has the hard part, overcoming all the fear and anxiety, I had it easy...TRUST!

I thought to myself after staring at my kids backs and reading the quote Trust God No Matter What, that maybe someone was trying to tell me something. Not just trusting when you have a savings account or your kids are not fighting or your feeling fit or when your car starts. It means trusting when they leave your home for Grammy's for a week, when they go to camp, when they ride their bikes, when they are fighting non stop, when the car will not turn over or when there is no money. Its every day, every minute, every inhale and exhale. My son was talking to me as he rode his bike never looking back to even see if I was there, he just trusted that I was and it hit me.... I need to live like that more. 

On day three of soccer camp Skyler was a little uneasy and as I probed her for info she started bawling and telling me that a kid laughed at her and stuck his tongue out because she kicked the ball the wrong way. A surge of anger that I have spent years trying to tame roared up inside me. What kind of lesson can I teach her out of this? What does she need from me? How can I teach her to be strong along with validating her feelings? How do I trust in this situation? I preceded to sit in open gym the next day with her to see for myself this KID! who he was, what he was about and who did he think he was. Well Skyler and I observed him for awhile, to realize he was just a wild kid all around and I asked her "want me to say something to him" she sighs and says "No I think he is just a mean kid right mom"?

Day four a true miracle!  "mom mom mom I met a friend today"! I replied "really how?" Sky says a matter of factually "mom you don't know how to meet a friend?" I laughed and said "yes I know how to meet a friend but I want to hear how you met a friend".  She says well I did what Mrs. Hicks (her speech teacher) told me to do, I said "Hi my name is ________________ fill in the blank Skyler" OMG I almost fell face first into the sidewalk. "Skyler" I said "that is great, then what did you say"?  She said "well I am suppose to talk about my day and I did". I said  "well what is her name?"  "Oh I don't know"  The smile on my face turned to a giggle. What if............................ I had not trusted in the doctor who pushed me to do speech, what if I had not allowed the camp to happen out of fear, what if........ I had run from a diagnosis? What if................................I had allowed her to stay in her bubble. What if I tried to teach my kids everything? Skyler met a friend today and that to me was a miracle. She was proud of herself and I was proud of her for taking a leap of faith. 

 

I reached out to hug my daughter as she returned home from a week at grandmas, my heart was aching for a genuine bear hug, knowing very well she is incapable of that kind of affection, I still longed for a quick moment as her blue eyes raced past the front door, past me and into the kitchen as she fell to the floor sucking face with the dog! Oh well I had my miracle this summer I cant expect too much!!!! Her week in Seattle gave her the confidence and independence I so hoped for, I so trusted in. It started with THE climb straight up the muddy path and to me I love a good challenge. It looked so fun and inviting so of course my mom and I started charging up and she followed.

As her feet slipped out from underneath her, I felt the crippling fear paralyze her body and she says "I can't make it". I started pushing her bottom the rest of the way up the hill and as I looked up that shirt AGAIN starring me in the face. "Geez doesn't my kids have any other clothes to wear" No just kidding ... I said "Sky trust mommy we can make it, dig your feet in to the dirt and push baby girl you can do it".  She held on tight as she looked down at her pop pop &  smiled. 

The going down was harder for me because we both slipped and as she felt my grip loosen around her she screamed and I lost the rock my foot was securely on and down we slid. I tried to get her to laugh once we were at the bottom joking about all the mud on our clothes and shoes and how fun that was but her response was "we are NOT doing that again, that was NOT a good idea MOM".

............................................................................................................... Trusting started as I let my son walk out our back door, knowing he was flying alone and then continued as I was getting on the plane in Seattle, leaving my daughter for the first time. It was a leap of faith that yielded huge returns.

Proverbs 3:5-6