This little light of mine let it shine

Shiny lights, big balloons, scrumptious cake, a celebration of life, making memories, welcoming the new and signing off on the past year. Happy Birthday to me - oooh how precious it is this life I live!

What can I show for the past 46 years, what can I give as a gift on the day the gift of life was given to me?

These thoughts are ALL a work in progress and for some of these I have just begun to scratch the surface of my own journey, so come along with me.

 

Thanks to my Brother and Sister for keeping it real!

Why do we let others steal our joy? Still working on this one because I have a gift of compassion so I tend to let how others feel and act affect me negatively. I am working on separating how they feel from my personal joy. I have spent most of my adult life burdened for other people, its not wrong to feel sadness and pain for others but when it robs your joy and impacts your life negatively we may need a meter check. Find a happy medium.

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Don't wait to pray when your desperate. Prayer is a profound experience when it is a habit that becomes a sense of self, literally a part of your being. When I began to really dive into prayer I learned that my idealism of what prayer should be, stopped me from actually getting anything out of prayer. 
Talking to God will become part of you and a relationship between you and your Savior, it feels like a conversation with an intimate friend not a fiction super hero that becomes a stuffed animal.
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 Be real even when that means your not in the cool crowd, the popular circle, the super hip group or make the team. False advertising is exhausting and leads to misrepresentation of what and who God created you to be. Perfect in his image - you don't need someone else's image to fit in!  Many people don't want to be great because that takes work and sacrifice they just want to be perceived as great.

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Deal with reality HEAD ON. I know this sounds crazy and it will be hard, it is hard! Pain is a great teacher! You can pause or try to out run it and it will creep up on you when your not stable or scared and then it wins and brings defeat. Inhale, Pray, Exhale and boldly run forward into the eye of the storm and when the wind dies down you will be AMAZED at who you have become. Be enriched by adversity and challenges! 

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Force does not produce change. What? How can this be? I have been a force to be reckoned with my entire life! I can and will change you and myself.... NOT! I hate the fact that this is not true because I am so good at forcing but force when applied too strong breaks not changes people. 
Soften up, shut up and maybe speak up.

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People are more important then phones, _______________ insert whatever word you want but really think about how often we put __________________ in front of real, living, breathing people.

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Find your people. People say what they think but DO what they believe. Have a circle that matches your rhythm in all walks of life, they may not always go with you to the next season but they have fed your soul well during this time and place.

Discipline yourself - Can not say this loud enough. Self Control will serve you well in ALLL aspects of life. Be diligent in the small things and pursue greatness in all you do especially the things you don't want to do.

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Selfishness sparks the fire for us to look at what we don't have. Steer far away from focusing on what your missing. Transformation only happens when gratitude takes selfishness place in your head and heart.

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Take Initiative- Step up to the plate, not with force but boldness, confidence and spunk. (I have changed my initial reaction to force to spunk LOL)  If it doesn't work out OH WELL you tried, you lived and you learned. I heard this women say at a lecture that her dad asked her everyday after school "what did you fail at today?" He said if you haven't failed at something you haven't tried something new. I have thought about that many of times and ok failing everyday may be drastic but it does raise the question when is the last time I failed trying something new? 

Let some of your distractions GO. That overwhelming feeling that you can not possibly get it all done, the rush turns to panic - prioritize and let some distractions go.

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I have learned not to be dazzled by impressive resumes or fancy cars, ignite your soul with truth, fortitude and sacrificial people that do what they say and may not always say what you want to hear.

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Fear is useful but also can be very debilitating. We want to feel it because it protects us from danger however it can also be a liar when it takes our breath and stops us in our steps from the things we must do to grow. 
(Thanks Zach Williams)

 
Scars are stories to be told not spots to cover up or wish you could erase. Tell your story of grace and survival from the scars that led you hear. Ask others to tell you their story and hold on tight to wide eyes ready to share. Its a good day when someone gets to share a story!

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Say your sorry, confess and ask for forgiveness OFTEN. It is a gift and a sign of strength not the end of your life but the beginning. It is not a once in a lifetime proposal it is a life skill that produces freedom. 

Truth without love can be cruel.

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Laugh, no really just start laughing- my mom would stop us dead in our tracks and make us fake laugh until we all were laughing at each others fake laugh then laughing so hard most of the time we forgot what we were upset about. I am way tooo serious and I have been working on this -thanks to my son who reminds me to laugh.  

 

OOOOh how much sweeter God's plan if for us than any plan we could imagine, when things seem to keep falling apart they may be falling into place. We may have to stop putting humpty dumpty back together again with excess planning and fixing and let the fire produce something more beautiful then we could ever comprehend.  

It does not happen TO you, it happens FOR you!

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At times what we learn seems to contradict each other but when they are based in truth they fit like a puzzle to display at the end of our lives a portrait of his masterpiece. 

Thank you Mom for giving me life and teaching me how to Love!

Easter Restoration and Renewal

      At this exact time last week, Patrick and I just finished Easter Brunch and thought we would take a casual bike ride together. When I woke up in the ER to the sound of the doctor telling me nothing was broke and no concussion, I couldn’t help but cry tears of joy for all the people working on Easter, the time and effort they give to others everyday for the gift I had been given on this special day of renewal and restoration. From that moment till now, I have been living in a surreal state of gratitude, I have not been able to eat solid foods because of the impact to my jaw or use my hands because they caught my fall and the pain that radiates through other areas impacted from trauma have made the nights tough BUT ... what I have gained is soo much greater!  

 

 
I have to say it has a been a GREAT week of relying on others, trusting the Lord and it simplified my week not being able to flood my days with doing stuff. The priority list shifted and it was so nice to find new ways to look at the same old things. I don’t want to run from pain that could change me, I don’t want to live in fear of falling, I don’t want to stop loving and I defiantly do not want to go back to being too busy to show others how much I care. 

Dealing with reality head on is a great teacher it shows us that inattentive blindness sucks the joy out of our precious time. Trials make us open our eyes to what’s really important and today I am surrounded by a ray of light that is overwhelmingly filling my soul with joy.

When the pains stops and the wounds heals may the scars be a reminder of the love
that was shown, the lessons learned 
and the sacrifice Christ made for me on Easter and 
everyday!

The mile that changed my life!

 

Happy Happy 12th Birthday Son

Checking off the box of physical exercise with a quick power walk outside to get that Vitamin D., relax my mind and pray,  I gave a half smile walking briskly past a gentleman that I see smiling at me with a sparkle in his eye. The "TO DO" list blasting frantically in my brain starts to fade and I slow down. This vivacious 90 year old man opened my heart to a message I want to pass on to my son on his 12th birthday.

 
I celebrate birthdays for the month, a day is way too short, a week too short and a month is just right. I begin thinking of the age my kids were and the age my kids are about to be and all the things I want to say, teach and do. I observe them in a new way, I see things I normally miss, I laugh more and I love deeper the whole month. Why do we stop celebrating each other?  DISTRACTIONS! We plow through days, weeks, month and years without noticing the small changes in others and ourselves. 

My walking partner began teaching me how to feel the earth, its vibrations and how as a kid he walked around on the grass and could feel the earth vibrations through his body and now we have shoes and concrete cities, he sighs. He encouraged me to feel the earth and allow the vibrations to heal me physically, mentally and emotionally.  He continued to fill my head and heart with encouragement as we continued to feel the earth together. I asked about his life, what he had done for work, did he have children and how had loved changed him?

His life story progressed as he began telling me about losing 2 sons and how he coped with the pain "everyone that is born already has a set time to live and when that time is up we can not control that".  He told me about his professional life and the generational business that had been in his family for years and years. He would pause and make me look directly at him when he had something to say that was really important. I began seeing a 12 year old boy in his face, I saw an emerging young man on the brink of greatness and a faithful son, father and husband and I knew I had to listen intently so I could pass it on to my son. 

I asked about the hard times and the in between times and he stopped and said " you have two choices everyday when you wake up:"to be happy or not to be happy both are a choice and not being happy is the easiest choice"!  He said "we all get caught up and so DISTRACTED, only a few things are really important". 

He encouraged me to keep changing lives and that fear is a liar, to keep going and move on during those tough days. I asked about his wife and he could no longer walk and talk, he shook his head slowly side to side and said with a childish grin "I knew when I saw her more then 50 years ago walking down the stairs when she was 13 she would be my wife and I love her more today then I ever have loved her". 

What a legacy, what that mile gave me, what he offered was a lifetime of commitment, not paralyzed by fear or bound by distractions but one of joyful choices, He signed off on our walk with a slow statement reminding me "everyday is a gift, every breath is a gift, use it, cherish it and pass it on!"

What more could I tell my son, then these words from a man that has already lived a full life inspiring others to greatness.  

 

 

He gave this to me and Son I pass them on to you:

1. Don't get distracted  

2. Slow Down

3. Feel the earth

4. Look AT people

5. Listen intentionally

6. Fear is a liar

7. Everything is a choice

8.  Love Deeply

9.  Everyday is gift, Every breath is a gift, cherish it, use it and pass it on

10. Tell your story

11. Relationships matter and money is not more important than people nor is getting your TO DO list done!

12.  Don't miss out on the slow mile walk that could change your life.   

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

 1 Corinthians 13:13

Parenting is A LOT like Gardening

Parenting is A LOT like Gardening 

I do not know much about gardening, Actually, I don’t know that much about many things for that matter, however I have discovered that parenting is so much like gardening!

You walk into the garden shop and you stand in awe, inhale the bliss of fragment aroma and the sight of  bold colors overwhelm your nervous system. Your eyes move across the small flowers, shrubs, vines and they pass an array of different shape leaves. A rainbow of contrasting shades of greens. Just a magnificent display similar to a middle school lunch room!

Swaying through the garden shop you will find soil for orchards, soil for roses, soil for vegetables and on it goes..... plant food specific for bulbs and all kinds of plants that like sun versus shade.

The staff are experts, I ask a question and they give me a book full of ways to help me be successful at gardening. That doesn’t necessarily guarantee I will be successful at first and I’m sure they know I will be back with more questions.

Inside the shop we have a whole new options for plants. These in my mind are more delicate because the harsh outside life is not suitable for them and they could die. They give so much oxygen and life to everything inside with it and are so valuable when taken care of properly. 

The most amazing this is the bugs. Each bug likes a different plant. I ask why one of my plants has holes in it and the incredibly smart employee says “oh the blah blah blah Bug loves those plants” so I buy the spray to keep the bugs away. Now that spray doesn’t work on the other plants because they have a different enemy that enjoys feeding off them.

See where I am going, so incredible how each child requires special soil, sun or no sun, she/he may be a bright flower blooming or a year round green shrub and the things that get to my child may not get to yours. Your plant may be considered a high maintenance flower like an orchid or an easy, hard to hurt plant like a cactus, both are so exquisitely beautiful when they bloom!

You bring home this little bundle of baby miracle and your job is like trial and error. You ask the experts questions, you read books, you take home your plant and try a variety of things and when the leaves are dry you water it and when the leaves are wilting you stop watering, back away and let the sun shine in. 

How do they absorb nutrients? Do they grow faster verbally, tactility or physically with or without sun light? How do they emotionally mature with indoor environment or outdoor? Does the flower bloom once a year or all year? What do they need when the leaves wilt or fall
off?

When you see THE smile or hear “Thank you mom”  you know the soil is rich and the sun as been there. When the tone turns sour and the heart is in despair you have to stop and check the soil, maybe re-pot or maybe move to another ledge that gets more sun.

Changing locations can look so different, it could be changing schools, changing our jobs, changing a friend group, changing rooms, change meds, change clothes choices, change teachers, ..... your job is to keep trying until you see the color shine bright on the window ledge.

 

This post is not advocating that we always are trying to make our kids happy or tirelessly working to make our kids blossom it’s a reminder to me that like gardening, it’s a learning curve, sometimes a very slow process and we will end up with some dead leaves falling onto the floor and we may get dry roots and we may have to ask for help ALLOT and that’s OK!

The very best part is even when we don’t get it ALL right, which is daily over here, they learn to adapt which is growth in the right direction.  Similar to a bush that needs pruning to keep the limbs from getting to heavy we loving prune back our kids when we see the off growth in a directions we know can be

too much for them. 

My garden is dead just so you know, my back yard looks like a desert so I am no expert in gardening however I have enjoyed learning along the way and when that first bloom spouted up I felt like a real gardener. 


Keep tending the soil, keep changing the ledge and keep the bugs away so when the flower sprouts up you can enjoy the fragment glory of the unique gift that has been given. Our children are unique, each one needing a combination of different things to grow and what a joy it has been to find the right perch to let the sun shine in just enough to bring life to my kids. I can provide the nutrients that pave the way for growth physically, mentally and spiritually but God provides the gifts and with his love and unfailing Grace they grow healthy and strong.

Why?

I found myself compelled to write, after my morning dog walk led my thoughts to wander to a very still, calm place of acceptance into who I was and how I got here. It is a story of Grace!

The realization that in the middle of my life, I have so many unanswered why's. If I am completely honest, I have had no particular desire to LIVE most of my life and it saddens me to express in words this truth, I also know I am not alone. I have always wanted to go more then I have wanted to stay. 

When I began to think back to the places I have stood, I am awe-struck with intense emotion rumbling inside me of gratitude and contentment. The scars of falling hard have led me to a place of seeking truth. 

How did my hardened, calloused heart that I have worked diligently building walls around protecting it from the daily impact of deceit, sickness, death and destructive people and patterns become soft and open. It is frightening to be this vulnerable but right now it is where I need to be! Keeping myself from sowing the bitterness seed that blossoms into a vineyard of rotten grapes. 

In a world full of grotesque selfish humans why do some of the most loving undeserving people struggle/die. Why was Amy taken from us in high school on the night I was suppose to go to a party with her? Why was Susan taken from us when I was excited to find an old school mate that was in the Pilates industry and also a mom of an Aspie kid? Why was Lisa taken from us when her three small kids needed her?  

We can ask these questions all day everyday and there is no shortage of self help books to give us answers that may settle our stomach but truth is we DON'T know WHY! Losing them meant I lost part of me. A hole anger filled.

I can't imagine the heart pounding drive my father took when the officer informed him his daughter had been in a car accident and he needed to come ASAP. My car hit a curb and flipped onto its side. Two friends inside and me.... ALL fine. Untouched physically but emotionally raged with fear, anger and anxiety. 

The flight my mother took from Tx. to Fl. to come to my rescue and help me get out of the closet after days of hiding and crying because I lost a state court battle over adopting my foster kids, my mom's heart must of been sliced open again to see the state I was in. 

Baby Daniel

My fight back to so called reality after years of wandering through days of deep despair lead me to my knees in surrender, realizing that I have no control. Searching the souls of others trying to find the hope and peace I needed to put a smile on my face day after day was also NOT the answer. Why is the sadness so hard to fight off?

Why can't I just give up? After the abuse, the lonely divorce, a miscarriage, a nasty separation on the second attempt of marriage, the thyroid scare that was the size of a marble, the skin cancer ordeal, the eye issues, the daughter in hospital, the husband in ICU, the complete deterioration of a healthy body, night sweats, the migraines, the child rearing exhausting years and all the family dynamics that make your head spin, the giving and not receiving, the never making ends meet financial crisis and the plaguing reality that I have to do it all again tomorrow. 

It is not my time that's why! We are all pre-set with natural gifts, a certain amount of time here, a brilliant mind and heart to carry us through. Staying focused on what I need to do, with the gifts I have and the time allotted, I set sail on course each morning opening my eyes to a natural groan of... here we go again, like ground hog day but I choose to look outside of myself and into God's plan. 

When I ran track we were taught NOT to look back or to the side to see who is running faster or gaining speed but forward to the finish line. Whether the finish line is today, tomorrow or I have to endure years before I complete my race, may I run the race with perseverance, integrity, clarity, hard work and above all these things may I continue to learn how to love. 

When my arms go up and the rope rips at the end, my heart beating from all my effort and never knowing WHY, I will know for WHO!

Happy Birthday Sky Sky!

Skyler, 


My favorite time with you was when we made a 

snowman then turned into a blob and we had a snow ball

fight.  Love KenDork                                              

Skyler, my precious granddaughter you are a very special child to your family but especially to your God above 
and He will shower upon you many blessings
and He will fill you with His glorious and wondrous love!

 It is hard too believe that you are 13 years old! Yet, in those years I have been so blessed to watch you grow into a lovely young lady! I remember how shy you were when going to Cooper, and how you loved everything that had 4 legs like horses, dogs, and other living creatures! You have grown to love your own skin so to speak! The memories that you and I have that are the greatest is when we laughed over the simple things like the goodwill truck! Remember that !!!! My prayer for you Sky is that you will love life because you have so many people who love you! HAPPY BIRTHDAY Sweetie! Love, Mom mom

   

Skyler, watching you grow into a beautiful young women has been a 
wonderful adventure. Your passion for the outdoors, animals, babies, 
learning and friends shines bright. You have many adventures ahead and 
Through Gods grace there are no limits. Love you Sky Sky and happy 
birthday! Aunt Diona

Sky, you are such a cool kat. I love your laugh and contagious smile.

I love how you care for animals and how God has gifted you with

that desire. We are blessed to see you grow into a beautiful young woman.

Turning 13 is a big deal but don't let it define you.

Age is simply a number and you're only as smart

and beautiful as your attitude allows.Follow Jesus and write a love song to Him with your life. Be committed to loving God and others and He will take care of you. Follow your moms example of being a generous giver but always guard your heart from those who will steal it. I love you and pray for the best 13th birthday for you. We wish we could be there to celebrate. Love You!                                                                           Uncle Will.

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Skyler one of the best memories I have 

of you is when we all ran in the color run 

on the trail and you looked like a 

rainbow lollipop at the end...

love the time we spent together... 

Pop Pop

Sky Sky

You are one amazing young woman. I am so proud of all the new challenges of life that you faced and defeated. That is a great quality to have. I look at you in amazement each and every day. WOW how far you have come since the day you and Delia became friends at 2 years old. I can't wait to see what's next for you. 

 Now on a lighter note! Stop growing cause you now are officially my size shoe. Now I can pass down all the cool tennis shoes I never wear. 

Happy Happy Birthday!
Kelsey 

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  Skyler, GG  and I loved the pictures when you were small and modeling pretty clothes..we love the pictures your mom sends of you horseback riding, taking care of your pets, running and excelling in so many things as you grow up and we are so proud of your effort in your pageants. Love Aunt Sharon & GG

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Skyler, your such a kind and considerate person, it's one of the many things I love about you!! I've been reminiscing on all the times spent when we were younger so many fun memories! Have an amazing birthday I love you 😘 love your friend, Summer

•  

  

  Dear Sky: I have known your mom while she was carrying you as a baby in her tummy! We have watched you blossom from a tiny baby into a beautiful young teenager ! I look forward to seeing how much more you change during your high School years as you move toward being an awesome young lady! Happy 13th Birthday, Sky! Love you! Pam

  
  

  
  

    Skyler and I go way back, to the times we would paint each other's nails and thought we had the prettiest nails in the state, to pretending we actually knew how to do hair and do it good. I've loved growing up with Skyler and I can't believe she's already 13! Through the 13 years I've known Skyler, every time I see her we are just inseparable. Sky has the most bubbly, lovable, fun, and energetic attitude and I love that about her! She loves the Lord and loves serving Him with all that she does. Skyler is the best cousin anyone could ask for and I'm so thankful to have grown up with her watching her become the godly young lady she is! Happy birthday Sky bug! I Hope 13 treats you good!! 

  

  Sky it's been an amazing 13 years watching you transform from this sweet (sometimes) little baby to this amazing, smart, funny, sarcastic, animal lover, interesting, athletic, beautiful, kind hearted, baby lover, big sister, turd at times, non stop, studious, organized, creative, path of destruction, insightful, compassionate, mature, daring, and courageous young lady. I'm so proud of your diligent work to overcome any obstacle that's in front of you. Love Dad