Do they know how much I love them?

 

 I had one of those AAH-HA moments yesterday. I was adding another notch in my belt of accomplishments and when the pat on my back I was giving myself faded, I was not left with this heightened sense of achievement but a true sense of drive to not only do more but to give more of myself as a mother. 

Drivin by my own sense of the "not being good enough" syndrome,  I continue to work more, harder, faster and smarter in hope that I will arrive at a place of worth. But what I had not realized before, is the worth I was given was not sustainable. The list of things I have done like skydiving, running a marathon in Ireland, teaching Pilates in Paris,

 graduating from college again, certified in this and that, making money, losing money, buying a house, having a baby............................... the list goes on and on. BUT! What struck me is not a single thing in my life mattered as much to me as each day that I had mothered my kids well. The enormous and continuous responsibility of teaching a child to be a person, is worth all the notches in my belt times a million. 

If I win the race but have not loved well, I will only live with regrets and a huge bucket full of pictures.  I want to pass on the gift of patience, gentleness, kindness and self control to my children not a big bucket of pictures of the once was and used to be's.

Will they know how much I loved them by going back to school, will they know how much I love them by buying a bigger house, will they know how much I loved them if I earn a million dollars, will they know how much I loved you Lord if I never spend time telling them about you? I pray my time is better spent in learning to give of myself instead of giving to myself!

Journal Entry to my Daughter -Dec 31. 2010

Dec 31, 2010

The end of another year-The Beginning of more lessons, more pain, more joy, more memories, more, more, more, of everything. I am ending this year with clear focus, so much joy of the family we have, anticipation of the new lessons and in much celebration of YOU. Brilliant You!

We just returned from a magical family vacation in Destin, Fl. You were with your cousins and we played on the beach for hours. You loved creating very unique sand castles. Such a treat to JUST BE!

You did remarkably well on the long road trip and I am so proud of you.

Since the day your Aspergers diagnosis was confirmed, it has been easier for your dad and me to understand you-the whys, hows and what's we need to do to help you. I know now that sometimes you do not understand what is going on around you and you get very angry as your way of coping.

Daddy and I are trying to find ways to teach you how to manage your challenges. We love you so much and when you are able to read this I hope you realize how loved you are. 

Happy New Year Baby Girl! I love you, I love you, I love you.  

Mommy

Jan 9, 2012,

Hard to believe we are now writing 2012. I feel like I could jump back into 2010 and relive everyday. It is so vivid in my mind the celebration and acknowledgment that I was not crazy. My life was crashing down around me and I thought,  I, me, Donna Fisher was losing my mind and in fact I may have been but the truth was that my life was truly crumbling. Work, Family, Marriage, Emotionally, Physically and Mentally in pieces. Like humpty dumpty sat on the wall and down came Donna Fisher in a big fall. 

I would relive the fall knowing now that in the chaos and pain came a new life inside of me. Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me, I once was lost sooooo lost but now I am found. Found because I was lost! What a concept to realize you have been lost all this time and to survive hurt, pain and deception which opened your eyes that through it all NOW I am found. 

Everyone has a story of why they are, why they do, who hurt them and who did them wrong, who left and who should of left. You only have two choices: Stay in that blame and shame Game OR realize that we are ALL lost and can be found if we would start looking inward not outward. 

My sweet girl has to learn how to read peoples cuing, she gets frustrated and so angry daily in response to others not being able to understand her. What most of us find so easy and take for granted she will never be able to do. The battle of socialization will haunt her forever and the feeling that something is turned off with her will be her shadow. I need to learn the task of looking inward if I am going to be able to teach her. To search deep within my soul to what matters most so I can be a good example to the naive blue eyes constantly watching me!

Forgive but NOT forget

That old saying forgive and forget does not work for me. I think it is just another way for us to brush things under the rug. We say the words I forgive you, force our self to forget the pain and as we say in Texas "Cowboy Up", then carry on with life.

But what happens when we forget is, there is a chance it could happen again. A chance we could fall into the same trap. The patterns or habits we have lurk around every corner are relentless,  the anger we feel toward pain that others have caused us is debilitating and destructive but does forgetting really help change this from occurring. Are we free from anger and do we break habits because we forget? NO! Forgetting does not help, it debilitates us from future maturity and growth.  

Making a U-Turn from destructive patterns of behavior or putting a hand up to the demon inside all of us that shouts are worthlessness.  Building NEW patterns, new behaviors and new responses takes diligence, perseverance, determination and if you have to FAKE it till you MAKE it, but DO not forget the past in fear that we may repeat it, like parachute pants and jelly shoes.

The New Year brings HOPE that patterns can be broken and we can free our self from the haunting nightmare of settling, loneliness and depression. Does action precipitate feelings or the other way around?

Valued or undervalued, my opinion, and all things said straight UP with me! ACTION BABY all ACTION to create new habits by doing NEW things, not just ordering new food on the menu but surrounding yourself, all the senses, sight, hearing, vision and taste with a new creation. A creator made in complete perfection that we may be made whole. The feelings WILL follow along with the appreciation of the new YOU and the work necessary to obtain it.

Melody so sweet that contentment is the result. Let nothing outside of your NEWNESS inside, not magazine pictures, not TV shows or adds, not Internet, not friends, not books, not your own thoughts that could divert you from your goal of creating a more PERFECT you! 

Perfection is not bought, contentment is not earned, peace is not obtained IT is a U-TURN from anything that is NOT those things. 

This is how you arrive at your destination. 

Make a U-turn this year and fill your moments with all that is right, good, and true!

I am right behind you.... please caught me when I fall and I will!

Happy New Year