Do they know how much I love them?

 

 I had one of those AAH-HA moments yesterday. I was adding another notch in my belt of accomplishments and when the pat on my back I was giving myself faded, I was not left with this heightened sense of achievement but a true sense of drive to not only do more but to give more of myself as a mother. 

Drivin by my own sense of the "not being good enough" syndrome,  I continue to work more, harder, faster and smarter in hope that I will arrive at a place of worth. But what I had not realized before, is the worth I was given was not sustainable. The list of things I have done like skydiving, running a marathon in Ireland, teaching Pilates in Paris,

 graduating from college again, certified in this and that, making money, losing money, buying a house, having a baby............................... the list goes on and on. BUT! What struck me is not a single thing in my life mattered as much to me as each day that I had mothered my kids well. The enormous and continuous responsibility of teaching a child to be a person, is worth all the notches in my belt times a million. 

If I win the race but have not loved well, I will only live with regrets and a huge bucket full of pictures.  I want to pass on the gift of patience, gentleness, kindness and self control to my children not a big bucket of pictures of the once was and used to be's.

Will they know how much I loved them by going back to school, will they know how much I love them by buying a bigger house, will they know how much I loved them if I earn a million dollars, will they know how much I loved you Lord if I never spend time telling them about you? I pray my time is better spent in learning to give of myself instead of giving to myself!