Journal Entry to my Daughter -Dec 31. 2010

Dec 31, 2010

The end of another year-The Beginning of more lessons, more pain, more joy, more memories, more, more, more, of everything. I am ending this year with clear focus, so much joy of the family we have, anticipation of the new lessons and in much celebration of YOU. Brilliant You!

We just returned from a magical family vacation in Destin, Fl. You were with your cousins and we played on the beach for hours. You loved creating very unique sand castles. Such a treat to JUST BE!

You did remarkably well on the long road trip and I am so proud of you.

Since the day your Aspergers diagnosis was confirmed, it has been easier for your dad and me to understand you-the whys, hows and what's we need to do to help you. I know now that sometimes you do not understand what is going on around you and you get very angry as your way of coping.

Daddy and I are trying to find ways to teach you how to manage your challenges. We love you so much and when you are able to read this I hope you realize how loved you are. 

Happy New Year Baby Girl! I love you, I love you, I love you.  

Mommy

Jan 9, 2012,

Hard to believe we are now writing 2012. I feel like I could jump back into 2010 and relive everyday. It is so vivid in my mind the celebration and acknowledgment that I was not crazy. My life was crashing down around me and I thought,  I, me, Donna Fisher was losing my mind and in fact I may have been but the truth was that my life was truly crumbling. Work, Family, Marriage, Emotionally, Physically and Mentally in pieces. Like humpty dumpty sat on the wall and down came Donna Fisher in a big fall. 

I would relive the fall knowing now that in the chaos and pain came a new life inside of me. Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me, I once was lost sooooo lost but now I am found. Found because I was lost! What a concept to realize you have been lost all this time and to survive hurt, pain and deception which opened your eyes that through it all NOW I am found. 

Everyone has a story of why they are, why they do, who hurt them and who did them wrong, who left and who should of left. You only have two choices: Stay in that blame and shame Game OR realize that we are ALL lost and can be found if we would start looking inward not outward. 

My sweet girl has to learn how to read peoples cuing, she gets frustrated and so angry daily in response to others not being able to understand her. What most of us find so easy and take for granted she will never be able to do. The battle of socialization will haunt her forever and the feeling that something is turned off with her will be her shadow. I need to learn the task of looking inward if I am going to be able to teach her. To search deep within my soul to what matters most so I can be a good example to the naive blue eyes constantly watching me!