The dog ate my shorts!

 

The three of us, dad, brother and I stood looking at each other in bewilderment after we realized the dog had ate Sky's shorts. Not just any shorts, but "THE" shorts. "THE" only shorts she will wear, "THE" only shorts she has worn for nearly 6 month. The pair prior to these shorts, that she out grew, she wore every day to school for an entire year.  I know, I know.... normal you say for this age child to wear same clothes over and over, well we have a tendency to pass quickly by "normal" and go into, as the world or her friends say, "the strange zone". 

"What are we going to do?" her brother asked with trepidation, trying to talk over the loud screaming coming from upstairs. "Well I tell you what we are not going to do", replies dad. "We are not driving all over town, spending hours and an exuberant amount of money trying to find the PERFECT pair of shorts that she will wear!"  WHAT???????????? Breath Mom, Breath, this is a good thing, Dad is right she will find an alternative and learning to adapt in these situations is good for her.

OK! Parents of sensory kids that know my pain, no tags, no seams, only cotton with the right amount of tight but not too tight, the inside texture touching skin, no frills, lace or fluff only elastic and/or drawstring with no this, no that, NO problem. RIGHT!! There is no way to explain in this brief summary the past 12 years of clothing issues we have had to overcome nor do I want to begin that drum roll however I do know that being uncomfortable is one thing and its a completely different thing not being able to function due to overload.

The search begins for "THE" new shorts. I have to say, it was something I dreaded and still is if we are shopping together however I have a brilliant technique that saves me from hours of horrifying anguish trying to help find a solution to a problem I can not relate to. SOOOOOO wait for it here is my idea. 

I went and bought 25 different pairs of shorts left them in her closet without pressure or comments about what, how or who. All but one ends up being returned. Did you caught that, the ONE new pair of "THE" shorts. I feel like Batgirl swinging from the tallest building over looking a small success in the middle of a giant mess.  Ok not really a tall building but a very low ledge however the triumphant small steps in the mundane battles that try to creep in to steal our joy has not taken mom down today.

Moment to moment, capture the challenge, smile at the issues, wave by to the negativity, be creative and never let the dog eat your shorts!

Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you

(1 Peter 5:7)

All the things I wish I could make you understand about being 12 years old!

Intellectually I know, I can not MAKE someone understand certain things, however my heart felt there was a way to expose my daughter to the wonders of the world. Opening her eyes to see, feel and experience some things I hope she will learn as she embarks on a new age.  

Most mothers, including myself, want their child to learn from all the mistakes that were made instead of experiencing the pain first hand. It is one of the toughest moments of this job, to watch your child step off the edge of a cliff emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally or financially when we know how bad it hurts. Our scars still remind us of where we have been and what we are trying to keep them from repeating.

 What is it like to be twelve years old? How has her view of the world and herself changed? I observe the "almost teen" dipping her toes into the waters of trial and error. I want to provide opportunities for her to learn from others and demonstrate through my own actions what I hope she will want to emulate. My guide book full of teachings, parables and guidance for everything we face reminds me what I want her to remember during this time, this trip, this celebration of her life, this experience. 

 Romans 12:2  Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

We traveled, we tasted, we saw, we cried, we laughed, we held, we fought, we were shocked, we were afraid, we held on tight, we let go, we walked, we biked, we sailed, we loved, we remembered the past, we prayed, we tried, we lost, we won, we failed, we began, we ended, we slept, we woke, we inhaled, we exhaled, we smiled! 

Happy Birthday to my Sky, 

the wildest 12 year ride of my life. 

All my love I give to you 

today and forevermore!

Finding the Joy in Motherhood

What do I hope my kids learn from tragedy, from chaos, from violence, from death, from cruelty, from unfairness, from ME, with the time we have been given? 

I need to be honest the statement "The Joy Of Motherhood" has rarely been an experience of mine, not for any reason except that I have not allowed myself to be joyful. 

Most of the time I feel burdened with sadness for the injustice in this life, spending my energy and time wanting to teach my kids something rather then listening or allowing them to explore and learn.

I heard her say to her brother " Kendyl, you know we have a brother, he is in heaven and we will meet him one day".  

The air stuck to my ribs as I jerked the steering wheel to avoid an accident. I can not even tell you his response, because I was still struggling to breathe. My mind flashes to an image of a now 15 year old boy that is waiting to meet his family for the first time. 

So many things he has experienced before me and ALL the pain he has avoided not living in a fallen world made me smile and take that much needed exhale.

"Right mom you had a baby die in your belly", she keeps talking as if she is talking about the weather. I realized she is comforted by the fact she has an older brother watching out for her and she wanted her younger brother to know too. 

I never thought about it from a sibling side only from a mothers side of pain and loss. Loss to one person but gain in the another way...now so clear. "When a window closes God opens a door"! I have only used this cliche to comfort me in situations that didn't hurt this bad. 

The truth of the situation hit me, this is what I want my kids to learn from me and how I find the Joy in Motherhood. 

Look for God's handy work in the midst of deep sorrow and pain, look for his people to pour love into hate, look for smiles in the midst of frowns, seek his guidance when all else fails. 

There will always be suffering, death, destruction and malice and the ONLY peace we can obtain, is the peace within ourselves, that peace that surpasses all understanding, peace that bridges the gap between all races, color, nationality or income brackets.  

No person, no TV show, no radio broadcaster, no other human being or idea or plan or vote or book can protect the soul from darkness except the one that created LIGHT. 

John 8:12  I Am the Light of the World

My oldest son may have only felt my heart beat without physically seeing my quirky smile, or heard my obnoxious laugh but he already knows the depth of me and we will be together one day in the glorious presence of a Father that loves all and knows all. 

Until we are reunited son, my love only grows deeper and deeper with each passing day. 
Love Mom 

The Transition to Middle School

It rarely crossed my mind years ago, when all I wanted was "so called" normalcy, the idea of my daughter Skyler, going to middle school. The turmoil that propelled us into a constant state of alert was daily and all we could do was survive moment to moment. 

If you would of told me years ago when I sat outside my car holding my son while my precious daughter was raging in the back seat so uncontrollably that we had to get out of the car, lock her inside and call daddy, that she would be going to middle school, and thriving, I would of thought you mad. 

The event at the mall is so deeply ingrained in my memory, of a man chasing my daughter through the parking lot, abandoning his cup of coffee up in the air to save her from herself. I stood helpless holding my son under a tree begging God for it to STOP. I had soooooo many unanswered questions, so much anger, so much fear, I truly was lost. It did not matter that I was an older mom, once a pediatric COTA and foster parent or that I loved loved loved kids, I was now completely and totally LOST! The stranger managed to scoop her up before she ran into the road and carried her thrusting body back to me.

 
Her second stay at Children's resulted in several kids going to a group home upon discharge, which saddened me beyond comprehension, for those parents unable to cope. 

Walking hand in hand with her to our car, I vowed never to give up on her. I would fight until every breath had left my body, she was our child given to us as a gift to cherish and in that moment I knew we were going to make it. My hand was being held not only by my daughter but by my God.   

Third grade resulted in hospitalization, 4th grade I pulled her out to home school however we now celebrate a 5th grader about to embark on a new journey and we can honestly say this has been the best year of her short life. She has blossomed into a young women that seeks independence, not always handling it correctly, but learning to adjust. A girl that can stand firm in her faith and hold steady to strong winds of uncertainty with less collapsing under the pressure. The challenge we have set before her this year of finding solutions has paid off and has allowed her to believe in herself more. 

The sibling relationship with her brother that has been a work in progress, strained by fear as he dealt and coped with more then a child should have to, has now manifested itself into times of laughter and a possibility of trust.  

The joy it brings my soul when I hear a simple interaction, not rippled with tension, between my two kids has that peace I have been longing for laced through it like glitter on a canvas. 

My heart doesn't start rapidly beating as I run to rescue my son Kendyl and begin the plan of escape, it just beats normally with a pause to reflect and I appreciate its rarity. I wouldn't of even noticed or may have taken it for granted had I not seen and experienced the other side. Even though we still have moments of defiant chaos and loss of control, the tools are in place to help guide us back to each other with less scarring.  

It is with a full heart I thank ALL her doctors, teachers, friends, my amazing family and the other parents that have walked beside us, not judging or blaming, loving us when we felt unlovable, showing up when we needed them most and for listening to me cry out for help and providing joy in deep sadness.  

Thank you for rejoicing with me in the baby steps and being my rock when everything else felt like sinking sand. There is not a day of her life that would be possible, without the community God has put in place to open the doors of her life to be a platform for YOUR goodness to shine. 

The process of finding a school to continue her education has been a grueling job marked with many closed doors however we emerge thru the dark cloud into a shining light of hope. A place filled with hope and potential for meeting our needs has been a gift beyond our expectations. The transition to middle school begins!

Isaiah 43:18-19

 “Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

The Heart of a Lion

 Embarking on the next step of childhood, my son is about to be double digits. The gripping feeling that I haven't told him enough how much I love him, taught him enough about how to be brave, how to fight for what is true and right, how to really love yourself and others well or how to get up even when it hurts is hard to face but needs to be spoken out loud. The wide open space he wants to leap into with boldness but not quite ready to handle the possible strain drops me to my knees in prayer. 

Praying that the child who was described as, having a heart of a lion, will keep his roar fierce but humble, loud but gentle and ferocious only when needed. 

Praying that his funny, sensitive and genuinely thoughtful nature will continue to grow and not be smothered

by the heavy breath of defeat from life disappointments.  

Praying he sees and honors us as his parents until the day we take our last inhale. 

Praying that his talent is used for good, to shine light on the gift giver and not himself.

Praying for peace of mind when the effort doesn't yield the results. 

Praying he continues loving his sister when she seems unlovable at times and that he will continue to say " I forgive you" no matter how many times she ask.

With all the love a mother can hold bundled up in her chest, I speak so he can hear me say,  "Happy Birthday Son, I love you from the depth of my being into the core of your soul, I give to you all that I am. I cherish the past 9 years you have taught me to give unconditionally with no regrets, to love past the hurt, pain and fear, to sacrifice so you can move beyond me".  

 Like Timothy, may my son be an example to believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. 1Timothy 4:12

My daughter is NOT me!

The coach looked at me strangely for a moment after I asked him, Why he put my daughter in sports club when she signed up to be in book club? "Well your a trainer right?  "Yes" I respond, "but what does that have to do with my daughter".  He sighs with a smirk on his face, "well I thought she would want to be in there that's all".  I politely asked him if he had kids. "No, I do not".  

Inhale girl... then reply.. you have been here before and you will be here again. 

"Coach when or if you do have children you will learn that they are NOT you, they are a glimpse of you and may have some attributes of you but they are NOT you". I have learned this lesson the hard way, by pushing my daughter away instead of embracing and supporting who she is. (click to watch video below)

                                                                                                  

Do you see any smiling? Um.... that would be a NO and it could be because more then likely she is not having fun. I thought it was fun, clearly from the loud screaming, but looking back maybe not so much for her. Then it was ice skating, horse back riding, soccer, volleyball, kids boot camp class, swim team and karate all of which she states she does not enjoy. 
 
Frustrated and feeling like a failure as a mother because my daughter does not have a THING. A sport, a plan, a desire to win and play hard, a team to push her, she will not get a scholarship or find true happiness without her....... blah blah blah......... STOP just stop. 

My daughter's happiness does not depend on her having a room full of trophies. She will only remember me screaming at her on the field, court or pool side and the feeling I may be leaving with her is, she is never good enough. 

I can not take that chance, her spirit is worth more to me then my ridiculous goals of her obtaining a scholarship. Refocusing on what really matters helps find the true desire of a child's soul. 

New parenting strategy. Be available for everything, truly listen, stop what your doing to look, don't push your own agenda, be sensitive to change and soften your voice to encourage. Magic Happened! What I discovered is a young women passionately in love with creation, wildly connected to animals and fiercely intend on learning about all living things. 

        I would of missed the most important thing about my job as a mother if I would of kept to my original plan. How sad that would of been! 

She may not be me and I am sooo glad she is not because she is SO much more. 


 

What an adventure to live in her shoes and how boring it would of been to re create my life in her. We do not need to correct the mistakes we made through our kids lives or try to make up for what we didn't have. It is about who they are and who they need us to be for that to happen. 

  Find that light and let it shine this precious little light of mine!