Angels Among Us- Part 1

I HAVE to tell this story so the angels among us hear me thank them. I want them to know how valuable they are and the acts of service did not go unnoticed.

In a blink of an eye my husband was on his motorcycle riding in front of my son then suddenly face down on the concrete driveway only 100 feet from our garage. He had put on his riding boots but not his helmet, of course we all say WHAT???  But it is in that instant that we have ALL made THAT one choice to drink and drive, have unprotected sex, or speed in a school zone that could change the course of our lives. It's called an accident, not planned or premeditated but a sudden and possibly tragic moment, a flash of time.

He rode by and said hello to a friend right around the corner from our house passing him only seconds before his accident. Slowly driving over the bridge toward our garage as our 9 year son watched him lose control of the bike and then frantically trying to regain control of the bike, it slid out from under him sliding to the left as he went to the right. The blow to the head knocked him immediately unconscious and his son watched his lifeless dad lay flat on the ground as he frantically sent his electric scooter sailing through the air to run and get help.  He started screaming HELP, HELP.... then proceeded to erratically run through the house looking for daddy's cell phone, calling 911. He ran back to crash site to observe the body laying still and he thought " My dad is dead"!  He proceeded to talk to the 911 operator as he walked down the long driveway to the end of the bridge and standing partially in the road crying with a cell phone to his ear an Angel appeared in a white mini-van and stopped to comfort him staying by his side until the ambulance arrived.

I guess being a super hero started at a young age!

As the paramedic sped into sight they all ran back to the crash site and Patrick (my husband) had gotten up, stumbling to lift his motorcycle then proceeded to walk toward my son (Kendyl). Kendyl's mind spiraled out of control with fear and confusion leaving him in a state of shock.  The paramedics had to force Patrick into the ambulance as they told me later "he was out of his mind" but he kept saying "I'm Fine", so they began the protocol in the ambulance with Patrick then made the phone call to me. Kendyl remembering my cell number called and it was answered by my daughter's bouncy voice and he heard, "Hi Daddy", my son responds " Skyler it's Kendyl, Daddy had a motorcycle accident come home". I can hear his voice on the speaker phone but it is not clear and I only have 2% battery left so Skyler says " mom Kendyl is playing a prank" and hangs up. The paramedic calls back immediately saying "this is not a prank, your husband is going to be fine but we need you to come home, get your son and meet us at the ER".

Skyler begins wailing loudly in the front seat and I have a hard time focusing. "Skyler please calm down I need to drive safely home, let's begin praying sweet girl, the man said on the phone that daddy will be fine". We need to believe him and calm down. That does not stop me from driving like a lunatic till I get to our street. It has a fire truck blocking the entire road, it is then I begin to feel a sense of deep urgency to see my husband and Skyler jumps out of the moving car toward the house. The fireman stops her, calms her down and says "please get back in the car everything is ok". I pass a police officer on the driveway and ask the question I really don't want an answer to- "Did he have a helmet on"?  "No I am sorry mam he did not". I am so angry I think to myself if he is not dead in the back of this vehicle I may kill him before he gets to the hospital but as I walk around the side I see my son running toward me with a look of terror in his eyes and NOTHING matters in this moment except comforting him. He holds on tight and I have no idea and will not know what he went through for several days. Once he is safely in the car I walk fiercely back to the ambulance, I swing open the back door and get ready to unleash the wrath of anger I feel inside but then I see the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with covered in blood, hooked up to several tubes and he is talking in Chinese and the death sentence I was about to administer turned into me sounding like a parrot, "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you". 

The sirens that you hear every day, now has a personal attachment and we follow close behind as if losing sight meant saying good bye and our hearts beat so loud you can barely hear the sniffling. The possibilities of it only being a family of 3 instead of 4 was too close to home in that moment. 

Inside the ER, we wait and wait and wait. Panic will not win..... I keep telling myself and desperately try to comfort and distract my kids from the voices in our heads. My dad arrives then co-workers and still we have not seen the patient, it is almost an hour since we have arrived before I walk through the double doors to his room. The image so vivid in my mind how long his body looked on the bed, his feet are hanging off, his finger nails have blood caked under them (he would hate that), his eye is completely shut and swollen, his face is disfigured with edema, he is violently vomiting blood and he begins to shake, his body vibrates almost off the table then the Angels around him begin to move his gurney out the room and other Angels come rushing in and his bed rolls away from me.  I follow close behind once again sounding like a parrot in case that is all he remembers " I love you, I love you, I love you" and he is gone AGAIN. 

I walk back into the waiting room to find two sweet little faces looking intently at me for answers as if I have any control over the situation and all I can do is shake my head side to side as if saying no. Skyler dramatically curls up in a ball rocking herself to the sound of her crying and my son dives head first into a video game escaping into robot world.  I now realize that this story could have many different ending one of which I live the rest of my life with Patrick, one in which I am changing his diaper and feeding him daily or one in which we have second chances and our life is changed but the same. I begin praying without ceasing. Angels everywhere are doing the same!

Daddy brought Kendyl Home, now Kendyl may be bringing Daddy home!

I have decided NOT to rescue her today!

I sit in my car waiting for the kids to line up for pick up and the self talk begins. I will make no judgement based on yesterday or my fear of tomorrow, I will embrace her today for this moment. Putting on my mommy warrior armor of courage, my mind is clear, my phone is off... I am ready!!! 

She smiles big as soon as our eyes meet and my heart skips a beat, she looks happy! Making our way through the crowd of parents is enough to send me into a panic attack, but we survive and are sitting quietly in the car. INHALE MOM!!!  

Typically this is when the let down of the day and attack mom moments happen, but today she is quiet. NOT a good sign! Normally it would take me asking her several times or days of meltdowns for her to talk about what is wrong, BUT today she starts telling me about the girl drama that happen in school that day and that she had a substitute teacher that was mean, I am all ears and happy we have a quiet car ride home to talk and process. 

"You know the girl that is always mean to me mom, she did it again she said something bad and I cried". I want to grip the steering wheel like its this girls head and squeeze till her eye balls pop out like those stress balls. We have been here done this and have worked this situation over and over and we only have three weeks left of school NOOOOOOO not now, I want to scream! 

I make no sudden sounds or movements so she can continue her story without my aggressive interrupting.  " The girl said sorry and asked me to forgive her, and I did", she wipes the tears and smiles "its all good Mom".  OMG she handled it, she did not retaliate back, she FORGAVE, she talked about it to me and is recovering.

Calmness in my gut has replaced anger and a gratefulness remembering that last year at this time she was recovering from a 3 week in patient hospital stay to help her cope. Seeds of growth bloosom forth in this moment of sunshine. 

The story continued and the smile turned to tears then she told me through a crackly voice that the class lost recess because she couldn't quit crying after the situation. The substitute asked her to stop crying and she couldn't so the teacher said to her "if you were 3 this would be ok but your not 3, your 10 so it's not acceptable". 

Sooo let me get this straight I am thinking in my mind, the class lost recess because my Autistic daughter can't quit crying because she has sensory processing issues, has been emotionally bullied and now very over stimulated? 

I nearly wreck the car with disgust and now full of rage but manage somehow not to show any external signs because I know if I start talking now I will not hear the end of the story.  She tells me the kids all shout "thanks allot Skyler". I start crying but turn away, I can barely stand the thought of her in the middle of this.  I want to rescue her, I want to turn around go back to the school and make it right, I want to rant and rave about her rights and the wrongness of this situations, I want to scream at the top of my lungs....

I clear my head and listen between the lines as she says "and that's the end, it's over and I don't want to talk about it anymore". I begin to talk anyway ignoring her request NOT to talk about it, offering my wise unbiased counsel (NOT), but she says again, "I don't want to talk about it anymore, its all good".

I decided in my mind I was not going to talk about it anymore today but tomorrow I was going to make sure I handled this.  Um NO, I am not going to handle it today or tomorrow either because it has already been handled, she doesn't need me to rescue her. 

I remind myself that is why you have spent the last 7 years, thousands of dollars and hours of time taking her to speech, occupational and physical therapy not to mention social skills groups, counseling and psychiatrist visits so SHE CAN handle this NOT ME! This is a huge milestone for mom/daughter, I have decided not to rescue her today.  

My super hero mom cape is needed in a new way, to support, listen, love and guide QUIETLY with a grateful heart for all the wonderful friends, teachers and therapist that have helped HER handle day to day issues that will happen for the rest of her life. 

  

“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord; plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” 

Jeremiah 29:11

My Sky Sky: I see my Sky!

My Sky Sky: I see my Sky!: I see Sky and I see Beautiful The way she smiles is Wonderful, The world may see her in a different way but I see Sky and I see...

The Reflection

When we moved into our house about a year ago, I realized one day that the entire bathroom had wall to wall mirrors. You can see every part of yourself, from every angle imaginable. Guess if you LOVED yourself this would be an OK but for me, as for most women and an occasional man, the reflection can be piercing.

Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

For many reasons, it could be a general dislike for ones body, or the scars that stare back at you reminding you of what your trying to forget, the face that is melting under the pressure of gravity, the hair being taken over by the grey bomb, the skin losing elasticity and looking like a prune, or it could be a deeper issue of internal reflection. The person, the being, the soul, the heart, the mind all staring back at you - what is it doing, thinking, how has it acted, how has it loved, how will it be remembered and is that person significant?

Finding significance in the reflection is a journey we are all on. The same mirrors surround me today but a new reflection is beginning to stare back at me. A reflection that is not consumed with what others say I should see, with what my unrealistic expectations may be proposing or what my mind has decided to fixate on at that moment. These negative images can have a devastating effect on ALL relationships. If I see myself as a ......., ........, ......... (you fill in the blanks), then this is what my husband, kids and friends will see in me because we begin to portray what we believe about ourselves.

I glance back again and there it is, that negative slope down the cliff of despair, the brain goes into overdrive thinking oh Gosh girl your face looks so tired...I seriously do not have enough energy for another day, my legs need a tan, my feet are throbbing and I just started, how did I get like this... the dogs are whining, the kids peed in bed, the house is dirty, my back hurts and on and on it may go until I STOP! If I were to continue with this thinking as I begin my day and grudgingly start breakfast and carry that reflection with me into my day, I become a Burden instead of a JOY to all that encounter me. 

I do have a choice, I can do the ol' fake it till you make it trick, which stops me from shaming myself temporarily OR I can practice what I preach to my children. 

We can NOT do and be only what we FEEL. Feelings lie, feeling deceive, feelings change, feelings do help give direction but should NOT be left unattended in the drivers seat. Truth is the stability that should drive our decisions, our course of action from moment to moment. Only Truth can teach us contentment and bring true Peace, peace that no reflection can change even when the walls around you are squeezing so tight your head may explode. Divine Peace that passes all understanding. Building a foundation of truth in my children has to start with ME. 

Philippians 4:7-8

Mirror Mirror on the wall who is the greatest of them all? Honestly, no one is the greatest so quit striving and start living, stop judging and start being, stop hating and start loving, stop comparing and start connecting, stop searching and be still, stop hiding and be known!

I think to myself as I fall into bed with nothing left in my body, not a shred of energy or mental capacity, that this pattern of compete drainage everyday has to stop. Is this how it is suppose to be? To be at the complete end of myself everyday wondering how I will find the strength to put my feet on the ground in the morning. I have committed to decrease, to eliminate and to stop over committing but it still seems endless. The battle that rages within me every day to be all I can be every minute, at every event, with each child and every opportunity to encourage a friend or at work, set me up for complete exhaustion at the closing of the day.

I remind myself of the alternative of regrets, the times of reflection that you cared more about yourself then others around you and the results were devastating. With each reminder you find another breath to keep going. 

I wrestle with wanting to escape to a quiet place in my head that always has a welcome sign and I find myself wanting to run for cover at each new dawn as the sun begins to rise. It's the daunting task, yet blessed-ed gift of responsibility. Responsible for the well being of lost souls, of sad spirits, mad minds and forgotten bodies. Responsible for young adventures, beginning travelers and naive vessels. Will there be enough time and energy to sustain the goals set in front of me? Can I fight a good fight and win the battle over weariness and complacency? 

Sky awakens me from a long night of tossing and turning, the wide eyes of this child sometimes look like a stranger to me, with her ever changing moods and the way she processes and relates to the world. I can tell in a instant by the tone in her voice what kind of day it will be and without taking a breath, I glance to heaven in gratitude that today may have a high chance of success.  

The massive wave that seemed to be over powering me, pulling me back in the under tow trying to drown me in self pity has subsided for a moment and a calmness has flooded over me.

 She sees me today, she hears me today, she needs me today!

These moments are rare and are to be cherished like a sunset that transcends you into it's iridescent color and glory. What can I do to make it last as long as I can, to connect, to teach, to impact, to empower and inspire her? 
I can not waste a moment, she has let me in and I will fight to stay close. I can feel her heart beat and I know it will well with her. 

There is the answer, once again in the middle of the muck and the grind of the usual that YES it is suppose to be like this. I am meant to be at the end of ME each day, so I can be filled up and renewed every waking morning with the power and strength to sustain the battle of life. Would I want it any other way? NAhhhhhhhhhh


Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.2 Corinthians 4:16



 

Flap Less Soar More!

 
I felt the tube slip away from me as the waves began tugging at my legs, pulling me under. Then a sharp pain as my shin slammed into the rocks below.  I reached to stop the blood running down my leg but the current was too strong and it swept me into the air. 

At that moment, I realized the only landing place for my body was the rocks below and this could potentially be very bad news! 

Moments like this is when my mind begins to self reflect and then immediately plan for the worse case scenario. I am breathless from the possibilities that EVERYTHING could be different in a blink of an eye.  

I have had many moments this summer that I felt this same way, as if the waves of life and caring for others was pulling me under. I have lost my footing and fallen face down into the rapids of despair. 

Disappointed in all the things I couldn't finish, or the appointments I missed or the friends I had not connected with or the house that was now a play fort.  The daughter I worry about constantly, the marriage that lacks spark, the job I thought I would have by now, and the bank account that seems to be dwindling into single digits.

I land, surprisingly, safe into the lap of a young gentleman that is sitting comfortably in the middle of his tube which now floats us both down the remainder of the river to safety. My family anxiously awaits my arrival but then the moment we realize what happen the hysterical laughter of the journey of where I was and what had happen allowed me to finally LET GO! 

First I let go of my cell phone that was now at the bottom of the river. Realizing later that it needed to be there for me to be FREE of the bondage it had on me. Then the letting go of all the data saved on my mini computer including work contacts, pictures (for moms that's the hardest), the notes and all the things we think we have to have stored on our precious addictive little device. More importantly letting go of the control and perfectionism of trying to get it all in and making it all work together in order to feel like we had a successful summer.

 

 
The freedom I felt as I climbed out of the water and onto the rocks limping in pain yes, but full of fresh perspective that this last week of summer was going to be the best week of summer because I just learned something that I already knew but had not lived out, TOTAL TRUST!  

I thought partial trust was enough or the 20-80% law would be good enough but was not sure how to  obtain total trust. I had wrestled with what to trust in and that battle was over for me now but trusting my life, my kids, my career, my marriage, my body, my money, my everything has not been easy and I didn't realize how tight my fist had been around some areas. Letting go meant releasing my grip on ALL of these things.

The summer started with THE list of emotional, spiritual and physical areas I wanted to work on this summer with activities in each areas to help build independence and virtues in my kids. I had the groupons, coupons, chalk calender, little sticky notes, highlighted magazines and a plan for resting, growing and serving. This is better than no plan I thought and I was not being a tyrant about any of the above areas plus I did have realistic expectations so I felt like this was going to be a GREAT summer. 

I stayed steady on the course not working much, spending day after day believing in my plan and it did help my daughter learn more math, she made it to some therapy sessions and my son was able to have quality time with family and friends plus I had a weekend alone with my other half. So..... If my goals were being met, why was I still searching for more, feeling inadequate that it wasn't enough and judging myself against what could or should be?

Nine days and counting without my trusted, friendly, always ready to please cell phone by my side and the storm in my head has stopped. The wind has quit howling its lies that I need to keep going, do more, try harder and be better at this and that. The compass that always changes directions when everyone else goes in a different direction has now been pointing the same place consistently enough for me to feel confident in my course. 

Now, totally trusting that when the waves come to sweep me off my feet again instead of gripping for control, trusting and letting go may be the better way to live. Losing my phone meant gaining a week of time spent connecting without excessive scheduling, constant texting and solving problems.  This summer ended with less flapping my wings and more soaring. 

Birds use their strong breast muscles to flap their wings and give them the thrust to move through the air and fly, but they also sustain flight for long periods without flapping their wings. They take advantage of updrafts that allows them to remain aloft and to be highly maneuverable at slow speeds.

 Lesson learned: Flap Less ..... Soar More! 

April is Autism Awarenss month but how can I (little me) create awareness

When I say little me, I am speaking physically, mentally and emotionally. The thought of someone under 5 feet tall, emotionally unstable and mentally, well not a PhD candidate. I often wonder, "How do little people make a BIG difference"? History is full of small people making loud noises, huge changes and significant strides into making our world a better place.  

Awareness= knowledge or perception of a situation or fact. 

OK! So.... if all I have to do is have knowledge to bring awareness then even a little person can do that, so my post is about passing on the knowledge I have learned from raising a brilliantly feisty and awesomely stern young women with Aspergers (well now called High Functioning Autism or whatever other diagnosis the current doctors wants to attach to her).

What we tend to focus on most, is ALL the stuff we read and hear about what she can not do or the issues she has to deal with, for example: pick up on social cues, handle change, eccentric behavior, reciprocity, gross motor coordination and controlling emotions. 

When I look at adults and evaluate peoples movement and reactions, I realize that we all have navigated through life figuring out what we are good at, what makes sense, and where we fit in. If we try something that doesn't feel right we tend to move in another direction. We eventually end up as an adult that has leaned into our positive traits and found others that have the same or similar interest. Some times our path is directed because so many people tell us we can't do something or remind us of our failures.  

 

The same is true with any child that struggles in different areas of life, they begin to figure things out and migrate toward the areas that give positive feedback. As a parent, this makes my job a little clearer, I am not trying to force my child to overcome obstacles by trying a little harder, go to more and more therapy to fix something or constantly remind my child of what they can not do.  

My job is to provide a pathway for exploration so they can discover WHO they CAN be.  

Our controlled environment has its daily challenges, like every other parent we have found what works best for her today and welcome changes as needed. Opening our mind to the revolving door that constantly swings with her mood and mustering up all the patience to be damage control task force 24/7.  Giving up the unrealistic dreams that so many times we impose on our kids placing them in a box with boundaries of what we think they should be or do. The would of, should of, could of- syndrome of parenting no-no's. 

Filling in learning gaps with endless options makes a dim future seem bright and exciting and it may be as simple as turning over the confusing picture to find the imprint of the crayon made an abstract masterpiece.  There are two sides of a coin and of a child- the one we choose to see and the one the world sees or maybe even they see in themselves. If we ourselves can not see the other side it will be hard for them to find a path right for them. If we all ended up cheerleaders and quarterbacks the world would be missing the magical sound of the band. 

 Let them all play the sound of their own tune loudly, from the mismatched clothes that don't really fit right or the ear muffs that fade out the sound to help her cope, or the sweet way she hugs not to feel the discomfort of touching. Noticing and enjoying the sparkle in her eyes when the reptile collection adds a new member or a friend announces they love lizards! The very thoughtful notes that take my breath away explaining what she couldn't verbalize. The hat she wears every night to sleep because she says it helps her mind rest.  
The pink sunglasses sometimes see blue, OH how I love BLUE!