Sibling Passivity

Is he sitting there non responsive because she (being his sister) is always screaming or because he is a quiet & content child?  Does he look away from her when she is aggressive because he is scared or sad? Does he hide in quiet corners away from the darting arrows of her tempted responses because he is mad? Does he love her no matter what she has done and is capable of doing? How does my inappropriate responses affect his image of me as his caretaker? How does a sibling navigate through the storms of his life without making waves? 


My daily search is, for ways to help him have a "NORMAL" childhood, dashing in to keep him safe from the contagious aggression that plagues his sister. He has a sensitive spirit that is being molded and I wander into deep thought about the way he is impacted and how does the world look from behind those big blue eyes.


 
My repeated fear is my unconscious neglect of his emotional needs as I try to orchestrate the environment so my daughter is thriving. The balance of time is tilted in the favor of the special needs child, so the sibling gets left behind which leaves scars of a different kind. The price gets paid, but who pays it? At the end of my race will I look back and find regrets leaning toward his soul or will I be content with the price I paid for the loves of my life? I must continue to look toward his direction to search for his non spoken needs and be there for that silent cry of attention.  My open heart bleeds out prayers that his passivity toward her be out of LOVE for her needs and not a way of coping. May he find JOY in the midst of daily chaos. May he find his own light to be a beckon beyond the darkness of his life behind closed doors. 

   Kendyl you have a brilliant zest for life and a vibrant, easy going, fun loving personality that

lights up my every day!!! 

  I love you Son. Thank you for loving Skyler and being a brother that protects and cherishes her.  

The Sacrifice

I had my arms stretched out in a T with my head facing the sun, eyes closed and tears rolling down my cheek, as I cried out  "God help my baby girl"!

She had a long week of anxiety and raging fits that scared me. Her mood swings had become unpredictable and so frequent that the rest of us were on edge waiting for an explosion at any moment.

I paused in my pleading, to realize at that moment, I had never understood at this level before the condition of Christ's heart when he hung on the cross for US. He cried out to God to save US, he said "for they know not what they do". We are his children and he pleaded to his father to help us, as I was in that moment pleading that God would help her.  

"Lord,

 Please take from me whatever she needs to be whole, I will sacrifice anything I have to give her a better chance at life. God please protect my son's spirit from the verbal daggers & emotional neglect that is his cross to bear. Give us peace about the way we nurture and guide her and patient to endure the treacherous moments of instability. May we embark on the rocky ground with tenacity, filled with applicable teaching moments and grounded in truth and faith. 

Your weary but faithful & willing servant

Donna

Till Death Do US Part- A Heart Change

DANGER: is right.....putting two selfish, control freaks together is Danger with a capital D.





 

Till Death Do u Part!

Does anyone even use this saying anymore? Does anyone really know how hard that will be when they say it? Does anyone really mean it when they say it? I can not answer for anyone else but I can tell you that for me, the saying has increased in value over the course of the last 13 years of marriage.

Observing who you are becoming when your bound to another person, for a considerable amount of time, could be frightening to some and refreshing to others.

How do you grow stronger together when everything about who you are is changing? The wrinkles are by far the least important of these changes!!!!

The way you experience life on all levels is evolving and the path of maturity may lead you in opposite directions.  


One of my favorite verses to cling to, is a section of Romans 5.

• "we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts. 

Think about that for a moment, suffering can cause one of two things within our hearts, perseverance or bitterness. The profound truth is, it is OUR choice which one will happen. Suffering has long been part of any relationship, siblings, mother-child, spouse, friends or family member and within the thread of each relationship are moments of suffering.









Pictures only show smiling faces and supposedly HAPPY people but the truth behind closed doors is sleepless nights, the name calling, the walking out, the lieing, cheating and debilitating glares, the backwards parenting, the upside down finances, and the revolving door of stress. The suffering can break you down, pull the life out from under your feet, stab the knife in your back and bring you flat down on your face. What you do when you get there, is what makes the heart grow fonder or farther!

Nothing but Grace has stitched this hardened heart back together and the scars of life have been etched on this aging heart with such tenacity that it could stop beating at any moment. The once happy ever after smile now covered in duck tape and a couple staples has built character and character, hope.


I write with the greatest expression of LOVE this Valentines Day, that your heart may be filled with perseverance and with perseverance, character and HOPE!

Stay Calm and Love Sensory Kids

 She is carefree as the wind, singing and dancing one minute then ripping her clothes off kicking and screaming the next! Yes I know typical female!!! but what makes sensory issues a LITTLE different is the uncontrollable and unpredictable outburst that at times are very dangerous and scary. 

There are times when I can anticipate a full meltdown is coming and I immediately move into a plan of action, that over time we have tired to perfect. It seems to work well getting everyone and everything out of her way before the tornado of over stimulated eruption happens. 

I try to plan the space, activity and time well enough to spare the dramatic scene but there are those times when I can not predict or explain the reasoning. I remember the time when I tried to do too many errands after school. She runs out of Target, into a full parking lot, screaming and flailing arms, it took about 30 min of sitting in my locked car to get her calmed down enough to get her seat belt on and her safe enough to drive. OR....

The time we tried to go to a party with those super fun bounce houses and the noise those air filled play bubbles make is wayyyyy too much for sensitive ears and processing systems.  She held tight hands over her ears with eyes bulging out and a painful look across her face followed by the meltdown that caused other parents to look at me with THOSE judging glares. I threw her over my shoulder and ran through the parking lot as she proceeded to kick me in the thighs while punching me at the same time into my mid back simultaneously on beat with the screaming.  

The times when I don't know what precipitated a reaction I just have to adapt to her needs at that moments. Quiet space, alone to think and breath, changing clothes, taking off shoes, blankets, soft music or me saying "its ok Sky, it's ok bug, it's ok sweet love".

Today seemed like a normal productive day at school as she ran to me saying "Mommmmmy"
 (one of my favorite moments). "What's the plan she says"- she always has to know the plan and if it is going to change she needs to know why.
I give a couple options, she chooses and off we go. She repeats several times that it's loud in the car even though no music is on and windows are up, so my son and I try to hold our breath maybe that will help!!!

I begin to hear her tone change and she sounds raspy and using very short aggressive phrases to speak to us. Normal plan of action in place  but as we ALL know even the best managed plan does not always work. I start to talk about animals that seems to snap her out of it and ask her questions about lizards. She is now shouting the answers followed by saying repeatedly "I DONT CARE, I DOONT CARE" I I I DOOONT CARE", not sure what she doesn't care about but I do know whatever it is has pushed her past her limit of coping.  Considering we are outside, I rush to get indoors before someone calls the cops. Several doors get slammed, my son gets kicked and I get a timer thrown at me and I think is this Deja vu. This place we are in now has cobwebs and it seems like a foreign place. I remember being here, like driving by the old house you lived in high school but you don't really want to stay long. What happen today, where was she, how did sunshine turn to rain in less than an hour? 

The windows in her room are open and violent screaming is radiating across the driveway and I am fearful someone may worry about her well being. I want to go up the stairs but I can feel the anger still too explosive in me to attempt the interaction that could turn to a regret. The minutes turn into hours and she is fading in her fight and when I peek in her room she is curled in a ball with a mound of blankets piled on top and she looks frightened by the angry look on my face.  A hand written note lays on the ground: "I am sorry I just can't help myself....."

This calls for a hot bath, warm dinner and a back rub.  I am so glad I did not open that door with guns blazing, she needed me to be what she couldn't be CALM and CARING. Mommy lesson #50000 Stay Calm and Love Sensory Kids

Sensory sensitivity refers to a pattern of sensory processing that is characterized by low sensory thresholds and a passive self regulation strategy (Dunn, 1997); when people have a sensory sensitivity pattern of sensory processing, they detect more input than others. The Sensory Profile measures cover the life span, and use informant report to evaluate a person’s sensory sensitivity tendencies. Children who have sensory sensitivity patterns are distracted, hyperactive and can be complainers. They notice many more sensory events than others do, and comment about them with regularity. We hypothesize that they have low thresholds that enable them to have a high rate of noticing what is going on around them. These children use passive strategies in that they allow things to happen and comment rather than removing themselves (as a Sensation Avoid-er is likely to do). Dunn and colleagues have conducted national studies of infants, children and adults with and without disabilities, and have found that persons without disabilities of all ages seldom engage in sensory sensitivity behaviors, and that people with disabilities such as autism, Asperger syndrome and ADHD are significantly more likely to engage in a high amount of sensory sensitivity patterns. When a person has sensory sensitivity patterns, interventions are directed at providing more structured input, so that the person does not become overwhelmed in everyday life.

Free Will

 

The truth is, we ALL have a battle going on inside of us, called Free Will! Free will left completely unattended would be similar to a wild animal. The truest form of purity is when the restraints proposed by society, religion or nature are released and we are free to choose without prejudiced. The year behind me has been about learning the difference between free will vs. uncontrollable situations.

The daily tug a war between my daughter and I, is me on one side not sure when to discipline her for the things she can not control versus the areas in which she chooses to use free will inappropriately.

She sits crying on her bed and I desperately try to reason with an irrational temper and her raging emotions that are running freely. She says what I needed to hear for clarity in my quest for how and when to discipline. She says "I only have attitude with you MOM". 

So............ little darlin this is not ones of those situations that you can not control your emotions due to over stimulation or processing issues, it is because your CHOOSING to NOT obey. I was so relieved, in that brief moment, for the path was then clearly paved for me. Time to discipline and teach alternative and appropriate ways to cope.
  

The lesson I want to impress upon her is that choosing her own free will comes with consequences. 

The same goes for the beginning of a new year for her, me and everyone. What I do, how I talk, when and how I work and who I am on the inside will bleed into the person I will become. The character of a person is not about the wrapping on the outside but about the choices we make that eventually become the true gift.

May your new year be filled with outrageously fun and adventurous free will that is tamed with self control, love and truth!

He who guards his mouth and his tongue, Guards his soul from troubles.
Proverbs 21:23

 
 

Do you think I am beautiful?

The mirror was sitting on the ground waiting to be packed, so as you walked by everyday, you could not help but notice a glimpse of yourself. She passes by it everyday but for some reason today she stopped and paused; then said "Mom do you think I am beautiful?    


 
I wanted to shout as loud as I could, "Are you kidding? Your gorgeous, magnificent, a heart stopper, a rare beauty sweetheart." But I didn't scream out loud, I just paused and thought, what had her eyes seen today that would even cause her to ask that question. How had the input from her vision into her subconscious been derailed causing her to believe she was anything less then beautiful? How does that mirror one day tell us we are beautiful and the other days tell us we are less? 
How could my response reflect the truth, that what we think we see is not always true?  The reflection may seem to clarify our suspicions but it is not always a true picture of who we are. How could I orchestrate a response so well spoken that it would teach her to pull from the depth of inner beauty that the world sometimes can not define?

Her only experience with beauty has been limited to social judgement, social media and social stigma. How is she to know the true definition of beauty when her quirky brain that inputs social cuing is already so limited? 

I slowly tread on thin ice. "Sky why would you ask me that, when you have heard so many people tell you how beautiful you are?" "Is there something or someone that has led you to believe you are anything less than beautiful?"

I think quickly to the list of people I consider truly beautiful and none of them would be on the front of "O" magazine but all of them exemplify boundless beauty beyond the simple minds definition.  

"Skyler what matters most to mommy when I look at the precious face God gave you, is a heart that serves others first, that loves radically and cares deeply for her family and friends. A beautiful women draws from inner strengths rather then dwells on the feedback from external sources. I am your mother and will always think your beautiful but more importantly, do you think your beautiful and do you know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made?"  (Proverbs 139:14)


 

Ungratefulness-The Mind of A Child

I came up with a great excuse, in my head, NOT to write about being grateful. I told myself everyone else was writing about it, so.... I was off the hook. It is hard to write about something you can barely do yourself. Saying thank you and having a grateful spirit is two very different things, in my (for what its worth) opinion.

BUT.... when my son spoke his mind after learning that he had a 5 day weekend coming up, I realized I needed to write this post for myself, to be reminded that I also have a mind of a child.  His response: "Man I wish it was 6 days off!" 

I thought there it is......the just one more day, just a little bigger house, just a few less wrinkles, just another 10 pounds, just a new man/women, a kid that listens, a kid that can play sports well, a newer car, a yard, pool, bangs,shoes, purses, on and on and on it goes. The mind of a child is not just six years old's IT IS ALL OF US!

 

When does it ever stop? How can we be productive and mature when we are stunted by our own lack of gratitude. The very first thoughts running through my mind and that continue running like a commercial song stuck in my head is IF ONLY. Honestly I am challenging myself and all that take time to read this, that we would be NOT just list off the things we are thankful for BUT to listen to that voice in our heads speaking negative thoughts all day driving us to want just one more day off. When you become aware of the time lost thinking of what we don't have, we can open the mind and heart to ALL the glorious things, time and people that we do have in our life.  


This is NOT going to be easy. I have enjoyed the company of anger and bitterness way too long and it has become a companion. It is always by my side, stuck like glue to my spirit, it is a heavy burden that I have carried far too long. To release it would be like losing a partner but to keep it any longer would be losing myself to despair.  Letting go of hurt and pain that feeds on my soul and that eats at the table of Donna Fisher's heart will be a huge step in the grateful direction I so desire this Thanksgiving.



The ability to take this first step will change my effectiveness to teach gratefulness to my children. I am on the road to releasing and I have a feeling it is quite bumpy and I will return to hiding under a rock but praying for the courage to keep drowning out the feelings of JUST ONE MORE, keeping the MIND OF A CHILD where it belongs.......... in 6 year olds.

Happy Thanksgiving!