That phrase can be defined many different ways but for me it has one meaning "Donna stop trying to control everything, be still and let me direct your path". It was scripted across the wrinkled lines of my forehead in 1999 when I found out I was pregnant. Very shortly after getting married and moving from Florida where your environment includes beaches and palm trees, to Dallas where there is NOT, I learned that I was with child.
Living with my dad, completing an internship and teaching 20 classes a week was not a world I particularly wanted to bring a child into but nevertheless I was going to have a baby. Well I thought I was going to have a baby until the second visit to the doctor showed a slow heart beat. It's funny that something at the time, I thought was so insignificant could make a lasting impression on my life. "What does that mean" I asked with a naive partial smile? "Not sure" Doc says "let's do some blood work to check hormones levels".
Anyone that has been in this spot knows what that means, when your hormones show low, your baby is not able to survive. The hours that you wait after the blood has been drawn seem an eternity of unknown darkness, a period of waiting that cultivates patience. Patience comes hard in a hurry-up society! (Swindoll)
Anyone that has been in this spot knows what that means, when your hormones show low, your baby is not able to survive. The hours that you wait after the blood has been drawn seem an eternity of unknown darkness, a period of waiting that cultivates patience. Patience comes hard in a hurry-up society! (Swindoll)
After multiply trips of giving blood and my hormones bouncing up and down giving false hope, the silence of the stethoscope when he placed the cold metal around my belly for one last sign of hope, proved that the "Baby is not breathing your hormones levels are down Donna, it is time to schedule your D&C". Not the acronyms you want to hear ever in a life time. A D&C procedure may clean out the uterus but it also strips the soul of life giving energy that once carried a brief glimpse of motherhood.
Starting each day now making two school lunches, it seems hard to believe that I once was on a path of not ever bearing my own child.
The tears came hard and stayed too long for a cherished life I had not known along with the pain came a false sense of control. I began to think I had the kind of power or influence to eliminate the possibilities of this happening again. On a mission to solve the great mystery of miscarriages, I followed the " I am in control" journey that took three years for me to learn, Let Go and Let God show you HIS plan.
It was a day like any other day, beginning the same but ending forever changed. The clock struck 2pm and it was time for an espresso, trying to pull into the right hand lane to park, I looked in the rear view mirror and my son who would of been 4 by this time was sitting in the middle of the back seat in high back car seat and he looked me right in the eyes and said "I am ok mom". I could barely get the car to the side before I burst into tears unable to even leave my car. Paralyzed with fear that I had seen a ghost and trying to figure out what it meant and why and if I had taken too much allergy medicine.
We hold onto the past SO tight sometimes that it restricts us from moving forward. Two days later I was pregnant and I remember seeing the + sign on the pregnancy test on that Martin Luther King Day in 2004 and it ALL made sense. HIS plan not mine.
I took heart from the words of British author James Stalker who wrote, "Waiting is a common instrument of providential discipline for those to whom exceptional work has been appointed."
It was a day like any other day, beginning the same but ending forever changed. The clock struck 2pm and it was time for an espresso, trying to pull into the right hand lane to park, I looked in the rear view mirror and my son who would of been 4 by this time was sitting in the middle of the back seat in high back car seat and he looked me right in the eyes and said "I am ok mom". I could barely get the car to the side before I burst into tears unable to even leave my car. Paralyzed with fear that I had seen a ghost and trying to figure out what it meant and why and if I had taken too much allergy medicine.
We hold onto the past SO tight sometimes that it restricts us from moving forward. Two days later I was pregnant and I remember seeing the + sign on the pregnancy test on that Martin Luther King Day in 2004 and it ALL made sense. HIS plan not mine.
I took heart from the words of British author James Stalker who wrote, "Waiting is a common instrument of providential discipline for those to whom exceptional work has been appointed."
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