Why?

I found myself compelled to write, after my morning dog walk led my thoughts to wander to a very still, calm place of acceptance into who I was and how I got here. It is a story of Grace!

The realization that in the middle of my life, I have so many unanswered why's. If I am completely honest, I have had no particular desire to LIVE most of my life and it saddens me to express in words this truth, I also know I am not alone. I have always wanted to go more then I have wanted to stay. 

When I began to think back to the places I have stood, I am awe-struck with intense emotion rumbling inside me of gratitude and contentment. The scars of falling hard have led me to a place of seeking truth. 

How did my hardened, calloused heart that I have worked diligently building walls around protecting it from the daily impact of deceit, sickness, death and destructive people and patterns become soft and open. It is frightening to be this vulnerable but right now it is where I need to be! Keeping myself from sowing the bitterness seed that blossoms into a vineyard of rotten grapes. 

In a world full of grotesque selfish humans why do some of the most loving undeserving people struggle/die. Why was Amy taken from us in high school on the night I was suppose to go to a party with her? Why was Susan taken from us when I was excited to find an old school mate that was in the Pilates industry and also a mom of an Aspie kid? Why was Lisa taken from us when her three small kids needed her?  

We can ask these questions all day everyday and there is no shortage of self help books to give us answers that may settle our stomach but truth is we DON'T know WHY! Losing them meant I lost part of me. A hole anger filled.

I can't imagine the heart pounding drive my father took when the officer informed him his daughter had been in a car accident and he needed to come ASAP. My car hit a curb and flipped onto its side. Two friends inside and me.... ALL fine. Untouched physically but emotionally raged with fear, anger and anxiety. 

The flight my mother took from Tx. to Fl. to come to my rescue and help me get out of the closet after days of hiding and crying because I lost a state court battle over adopting my foster kids, my mom's heart must of been sliced open again to see the state I was in. 

Baby Daniel

My fight back to so called reality after years of wandering through days of deep despair lead me to my knees in surrender, realizing that I have no control. Searching the souls of others trying to find the hope and peace I needed to put a smile on my face day after day was also NOT the answer. Why is the sadness so hard to fight off?

Why can't I just give up? After the abuse, the lonely divorce, a miscarriage, a nasty separation on the second attempt of marriage, the thyroid scare that was the size of a marble, the skin cancer ordeal, the eye issues, the daughter in hospital, the husband in ICU, the complete deterioration of a healthy body, night sweats, the migraines, the child rearing exhausting years and all the family dynamics that make your head spin, the giving and not receiving, the never making ends meet financial crisis and the plaguing reality that I have to do it all again tomorrow. 

It is not my time that's why! We are all pre-set with natural gifts, a certain amount of time here, a brilliant mind and heart to carry us through. Staying focused on what I need to do, with the gifts I have and the time allotted, I set sail on course each morning opening my eyes to a natural groan of... here we go again, like ground hog day but I choose to look outside of myself and into God's plan. 

When I ran track we were taught NOT to look back or to the side to see who is running faster or gaining speed but forward to the finish line. Whether the finish line is today, tomorrow or I have to endure years before I complete my race, may I run the race with perseverance, integrity, clarity, hard work and above all these things may I continue to learn how to love. 

When my arms go up and the rope rips at the end, my heart beating from all my effort and never knowing WHY, I will know for WHO!

Happy Birthday Sky Sky!

Skyler, 


My favorite time with you was when we made a 

snowman then turned into a blob and we had a snow ball

fight.  Love KenDork                                              

Skyler, my precious granddaughter you are a very special child to your family but especially to your God above 
and He will shower upon you many blessings
and He will fill you with His glorious and wondrous love!

 It is hard too believe that you are 13 years old! Yet, in those years I have been so blessed to watch you grow into a lovely young lady! I remember how shy you were when going to Cooper, and how you loved everything that had 4 legs like horses, dogs, and other living creatures! You have grown to love your own skin so to speak! The memories that you and I have that are the greatest is when we laughed over the simple things like the goodwill truck! Remember that !!!! My prayer for you Sky is that you will love life because you have so many people who love you! HAPPY BIRTHDAY Sweetie! Love, Mom mom

   

Skyler, watching you grow into a beautiful young women has been a 
wonderful adventure. Your passion for the outdoors, animals, babies, 
learning and friends shines bright. You have many adventures ahead and 
Through Gods grace there are no limits. Love you Sky Sky and happy 
birthday! Aunt Diona

Sky, you are such a cool kat. I love your laugh and contagious smile.

I love how you care for animals and how God has gifted you with

that desire. We are blessed to see you grow into a beautiful young woman.

Turning 13 is a big deal but don't let it define you.

Age is simply a number and you're only as smart

and beautiful as your attitude allows.Follow Jesus and write a love song to Him with your life. Be committed to loving God and others and He will take care of you. Follow your moms example of being a generous giver but always guard your heart from those who will steal it. I love you and pray for the best 13th birthday for you. We wish we could be there to celebrate. Love You!                                                                           Uncle Will.

*******************************************************

Skyler one of the best memories I have 

of you is when we all ran in the color run 

on the trail and you looked like a 

rainbow lollipop at the end...

love the time we spent together... 

Pop Pop

Sky Sky

You are one amazing young woman. I am so proud of all the new challenges of life that you faced and defeated. That is a great quality to have. I look at you in amazement each and every day. WOW how far you have come since the day you and Delia became friends at 2 years old. I can't wait to see what's next for you. 

 Now on a lighter note! Stop growing cause you now are officially my size shoe. Now I can pass down all the cool tennis shoes I never wear. 

Happy Happy Birthday!
Kelsey 

                          ********************************************************************** 

 

  Skyler, GG  and I loved the pictures when you were small and modeling pretty clothes..we love the pictures your mom sends of you horseback riding, taking care of your pets, running and excelling in so many things as you grow up and we are so proud of your effort in your pageants. Love Aunt Sharon & GG

********************************************

 
Skyler, your such a kind and considerate person, it's one of the many things I love about you!! I've been reminiscing on all the times spent when we were younger so many fun memories! Have an amazing birthday I love you 😘 love your friend, Summer

•  

  

  Dear Sky: I have known your mom while she was carrying you as a baby in her tummy! We have watched you blossom from a tiny baby into a beautiful young teenager ! I look forward to seeing how much more you change during your high School years as you move toward being an awesome young lady! Happy 13th Birthday, Sky! Love you! Pam

  
  

  
  

    Skyler and I go way back, to the times we would paint each other's nails and thought we had the prettiest nails in the state, to pretending we actually knew how to do hair and do it good. I've loved growing up with Skyler and I can't believe she's already 13! Through the 13 years I've known Skyler, every time I see her we are just inseparable. Sky has the most bubbly, lovable, fun, and energetic attitude and I love that about her! She loves the Lord and loves serving Him with all that she does. Skyler is the best cousin anyone could ask for and I'm so thankful to have grown up with her watching her become the godly young lady she is! Happy birthday Sky bug! I Hope 13 treats you good!! 

  

  Sky it's been an amazing 13 years watching you transform from this sweet (sometimes) little baby to this amazing, smart, funny, sarcastic, animal lover, interesting, athletic, beautiful, kind hearted, baby lover, big sister, turd at times, non stop, studious, organized, creative, path of destruction, insightful, compassionate, mature, daring, and courageous young lady. I'm so proud of your diligent work to overcome any obstacle that's in front of you. Love Dad

  
  

  
  

Allowing for Uncomfortable

This entire process of creating a controlled and comfortable world to help us find some stability, was the top priority then; but now it's time to shift gears and rock the boat. Maturity begins by learning to cope during the uncomfortable situations. Parenting how to cope using positive, constructive processing skills that help foster patience, perseverance and tenacity followed by resolution can be quite the task in any situation.

 

Daily life is far from controlled and more times then not it has a tendency to be noisome and uncomfortable. There is a wide range of sensory inputs that attack our system in which we learn to process, adjust and adapt to. 

Creating constant comfort does not teach adaptivity it gives a false sense of security. 

The strategy is so diverse for each child that we cannot use just one book, or take one persons plan or idea but taking those tools and compiling a system unique for our individual child's needs. Searching for methods, programs, professionals, supplements, teachers, books etc. to keep us moving forward toward higher and higher functionality not perfection.

For me it has been to stop changing my goals for her into a goal I would impose on myself. Stop looking past the goal I had set and wanting a much higher goal to be met. Stop missing the completion of simple task happening right before my eyes. Stop changing my goals to meet the worlds standard of success. Stop fixing it for her, stop talking for her, stop wanting it more then she wants it , stop jumping ahead and breath in the uncomfortable moment of today right now without fixing or doing anything. 

I glance over and see through the shining light a calm inside her that I have not seen before and my heart rejoices. For today the goal has been met and the uncomfortable moments left unfixed have produced compatibility with life's adversity. 

The Fork In The Road

The entire month of April I wrestled with my post for Autism Awareness month.  I kept coming back to the realization that everyday is autism awareness for our home, so the post is landing in May instead of April mainly because April was a tough month. The adjustment of medication changes is hard on the family unit and truth be told I was running low on positivity. Over analyzing, under communicating, fear winning over faith and barely managing could be the entire post but at the end of the dark tunnel comes sunshine and with that bright light, I am inspired to write.

Knowing that we have a multitude of choices in any given situation pushes fear out of the drivers seat.  From the moment we were able to choose, we have had a continuous wave of choices. Every moment we are making choices, choices what to do with time, what to eat, how to feel, what to drive, where to work and what to believe. What do I do with my first step out of bed, what choice do I make at the yellow light, at the grocery store, what choice do I make when I disagree, when I feel sad, angry or tired. Past experience lead to making positive or sometimes negative choices.

Parenting has a different challenge, our choices directly effect the lives of another. This realization so clear in my mind as if it was yesterday. The choices began before she was even introduced to the world. The conscious decision to make changes, to abstain from negative environmental, harmful toxins that you could put in the body, exercise or not exercise, can I take a Tylenol, should I sky dive pregnant?  

The fork in the road: deciding to go right or left to veer off or to stay on course, to speed up or slow down. We can not determine the outcome but we can be mindful of the consequences our decisions have on our children's lives. Intentional pauses made at the fork for clarity and guidance, seeking insight and accepting help has made the biggest difference in the outcome thus far.

A friend and I sat together on Mothers Day for a brief, kid free moment watching a toddler run around and I smiled "do you remember that stage? It seemed impossible to imagine how we would make it to today, the task then during that season seemed so daunting. Reflecting back I found myself in a place of surrender and gratitude. 

The choices made at many forks in the road has lead to small rewards, the budding of seeds planted now show signs of vibrant color. Refreshed and inspired to keep pausing at the fork will carry me through the rest of the day. Her brilliant response "those days required soooo much physical energy and this stage requires soooo much emotional energy", paved the way to the next fork.

How true I thought and now I pause at this fork in the road, shifting gears to remind myself that staying emotionally, physically and spiritual healthy to sustain this new emotional neediness is crucial. What my children learn from this new challenge will be a foundation for future relationships and managing societal pressure. I look right, I look left, slowly rolling into the new territory of teenager years using great caution and discernment. 

A brilliant mentor once said "find a women who has walked in your shoes that you respect and emulate her, don't go it alone and pray about everything, releasing what is out of your control, resting in the good times so you can fight in the bad."

At the fork: pause, seek council, surrender, dive in, let go, stay strong and no regrets.

 “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. “

 2 Timothy 4:7  

Every one has prior experience with 

"THE WAIT"

Waiting for that bowl of ice cream till you finish your broccoli, the agonizing wait of the school bus (if you were that kid), the wait for dinner to be ready, the breathless wait for the positive pregnancy test, the anticipated wait for that special person, the timeless wait for biopsy results, the parent waiting for the seeds they sowed to produce fruit after years of tireless laboring, the waiting by a loved ones bedside slumping and exhausted as they took their last breath or simply waiting for the fog to lift to see the sun. 

I can remember several distinct waiting moments that chiseled character in me. The kind of waiting that drops you to your knees and cry out in desperation. 
 

What does waiting produce in us? What do we do during the waiting? What's our vice?  Who will we be after the waiting, Bitter or grateful? 

I remember years ago and it has stayed with me all this time. A speaker said, he never slept when he was burdened, he would lay awake worrying about the ongoing suffering in this world. He finally learned to let go of that burden because it was not his to bear and was encouraging us to rest so we can be ready. In my waiting I have learned to rest. In waiting I have also found unsurpassed joy which is contrary to what the world screams at us.

The doctor said the scary "C" word (cancer) but I was too young to for this to happen to ME, I wanted a family. I was alone not only in that room but in life by my own choices. My lifestyle kept me alone to avoid rejection and pain. He got it all so it doesn't really matter RIGHT? Did I learn in the waiting way back then?

"The baby does not have a heart beat", we will call you with the results. The longest, hardest wait of my entire existence was that weekend, rubbing my belly begging God for answers. Did I learn in the wait? 

She said with a smile on her face "we will call you with the results" after she hacked away on multiple areas of my body with what looked like a box knife

She got it all after the third round so does it really matter now? Did I learn from this wait? 

Do I have to wait for the call to start the transformation? 

I waited faintly as my mind drifted through the fog of pain for him to say, "it's a _____", but all I heard a tense voice say "oxygen needed" and felt the hairs on my air stand straight up as I observed frantic nurses but felt helpless. I changed my mind about caring if it was a boy or girl, now all I wanted to hear was "it was going to be OK"! 17 hours of laboring, waiting, crying, pushing, did I learn in the wait?

The lesson soaked into my pores like a dehydrated sponge, defining importance became very simple - we make it so darn complicated. 

Open your grip, release the expectations, free the societal constraints. I am afraid to admit I want to stay in this frozen time of waiting so I don't lose my perspective of what's truly important, so I don't fall back into complacency and trapped by own anger and fear. 

"Now we wait" the doctor said, 48hours! The phone will ring, the results spoken, please Lord help me to stay forever changed no matter what the results. My husband lying in ICU every moment being monitored for brain function. Then nurse says if he makes it through the night without a brain bleed we are out of the woods. The darkness hung on like a rain cloud, the time ticked slowly by as I remembered rest so you can be ready. The sun burst though the darkness, the lesson revealed, I learned from the past waiting!

It pops back up like a jack in the box, the waiting. It was a tumor not a cyst we will call you with the results. This time is no different then the lifetime of waiting before. I will rest so I can be ready and I know when I am weary he will carry me! 

The Footprints Prayer

One night I had a dream...

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life, There was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, You would walk with me all the way; But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, There is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why in times when I needed you the most, you should leave me.

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child. I love you, and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.

The GRIND ( Happy New Year)

I asked the question "How is she doing?" and the response was "She is fine but not sure she can handle the grind, the daily routine of her new life". Oooooh! I thought, that's a grim response.

I was perplexed and continued thinking again and again about the response and then asked myself, "Do I handle the grind?" 

The longer I pondered this question, the more I realized we ALL have grind, we may have different grind but we all have grind. Some may be the physical disability grind, emotional grind, financial grind, spiritual grind or even the weight loss grind, the kid drama grind, the in law grind, the cancer grind, the bad boss grind, the aging grind and on and on it could go. 

Everyone has Grind! It is how we handle or cope with the grind that makes the compelling difference. We can stay in the grind and allow it to mold us, teach us perseverance, patience, forgiveness, compassion and contentment. OR... we can avoid it, run away, play the victim card, live in constant drama mode, defense mode, have a anger filled spirit, lack of empathy and plagued by a depressive state. 

If I am sincere with you and myself, I have done and been all these things. On a regular basis, I have keep myself from jumping off the cliff of despair and intentioanl choose to walk away from the raging confusion in my own head and heart. 

   

Looking up the definition of "grind" was thoroughly interesting and may not be appropriate for young children! (haha). The definition is not significantly important but the layer a little deeper then that, that matters.

How does our personal grind effect us? How does it change us? I began to look around and ask this question to people crossing my path. 

How are you doing in the grind of life? WOW! Powerful question, heads up if you decide to ask, be ready to listen. 

I have been water walking in the lane next to a gentleman and when I asked him the question he begins to tell me about his wife who sadly took her life and for years he struggled with severe depression. The pharmacy tech opens up about his own medication struggles to comfort my self judgement, the coffee barista unloads a past that could make your head spin and the wealthiest of people that are hurting and coping from abuse and loss that money can not fix.  We are surrounded by the grind of life.

Jeremiah 17:8

They will be like a tree planted by the water
    that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
    its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
    and never fails to bear fruit.”

How would someone answer if they were asked, how I was handling the grind. The daily job, the daily parenting, the daily marriage, the daily internal struggle. Honesty if I was being graded it would change everyday. I am a wishy washy mess 90% of the time so I guess that would be a big "F" on my report card. 

However who is grading me? Seriously who is the teacher that is looming over my work and grading my life? It is anyone I give the power to do so, you my reader, my co-workers, my kids, my parents, my siblings.......my self. 

Reflecting back over 2016, will it be any different in the New Year? No! not really, the daily struggles (THE GRIND) is still there but what will be different is who I allow to grade me.

 

For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the LORD, And He watches all his paths. Proverbs 5:22

Happy New Year, Happy New of the same Grind, Happy New You, Happy New Ideas, Happy New but kinda like newly used. Happy Recycled is really what we could call it. 

Bring on 2017!