The Fruit of our Labor!

Happy Labor Day!

I opened my ears to the sound of my family laughing over the soft background of music playing and my mind went to a place that it had not been before. The fruit of a mother's labor is her family.

 

The attributes that we contributed to biologically, the physical effort in the daily task, the grind of teaching honor and respect, the loss of sleep over decisions made, the constant battle of regrets, the sacrifice of time for self and the gift of breath are all fruits of the labor of love.

Labor Day, the first Monday in September, is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country. 

The strength, prosperity and well being of my family starts with the mental, emotional and physical well being of me! To be in a constant state of chaos does not produce the kind of fruit I want walking the streets in a couple years, so it is imperative that I stay healthy to keep the Labor going day after day.

With no prerequisites required to become a mom you could start this job with little to NO training. Congratulations, you are now responsible for the hows, whats and whys of this new life. Nothing like learning on the job!

God is so good to us! He gives us time to learn, if we use it wisely, this little bundle sleeps 20hrs a day at first so, I would of been smart to start my training then but exhaustion and shock took over my life so no learning happened at first.

Then toddler hood becomes the obsession of your time. New adventures every moment take your attention away from learning the job skills needed most. By now your well into your new role with no additional training skills aquired to teach this little person how to be a productive adults in society. You keep praying that this new love of your life will survive with no baggage of a traumatic childhood.

I stay on my knees that when they see the reflection of themselves in a mirror they LOVE what they see,  that they see what God sees in all of us Beauty. 

I want my kids to be like a tree so well rooted that when the worldly wind starts rocking them to and fro, they can take a hold of the precious truth of the covenant grace.

We do not have to change what we see, ONLY the WAY we see it

I am ending the week much better than it started and I have experienced moments of uncomprimised joy.

No sensory overload meltdowns in two days, new school routine is setting in nicely, praising God for the ability to walk my kids to school, feeling cooler air on my skin, thinking clearly about the journey that lies ahead. 

Ann Voskamp says "I can feel gratitude soak into my soul, I am becoming someone else, a new person, one that I like much better that the old."  Numerous blessings sitting under my nose, when looking for them I can not help but feel contentment!

I feel my lips pulling apart in a smile and I burst into a true giggle. Laughter is hard to come by when you wear anger to hide the sadness. I chuckle at the reward for finding a balance, the reward for intentionally committing to the challenge of being thankful in ALL things.

 

I am rewarded with the words weight gain and pre menopause from the wonderful ob/gyn doc.  WHAT WHAT WHAT just happened!

A simple morning full of laughter and smiles turns into another task to manage and more things to add into the daily challenges already so overwhelming. The dreaded number from a scale that haunts women- the disease of body image. The yearning for that which is NEVER attainable, perfection. 

I pause, think and.... I did it! I found a heart of thanksgiving in that moment, I thank you Lord that I did not come into the doctor Monday or Tuesday when my spirit was fragile. Thank you for the strength and guidance to look hormones in the face and begin to giggle.

Women are like cats we have nine lives. Each shift in hormones we have to shift into a new life of figuring out what, how, when, who and where. So onto this next life I go.... step by step, day by day.  

I returned to my car and found myself singing under my breath "I got joy joy joy down in my heart down in my heart down in my heart" and there it is again my lips pulling apart and I SMILE!

 

My Mom (my hero) and me running the race of Life together.

I did not love my daughter well today

I stopped teaching and starting demanding not a good idea with any child much less a child with Aspergers. I lost my way again and I started reacting to her lack of understanding and paid the price with withdrawal and unmanageable meltdowns. 

Trying to teach my baby girl social cueing in the middle of a meltdown is like trying to tell a person screaming at you during road rage fit that they left their blinker on.

My girl at 1 with mommy  in Alaska

I am a therapist, a trainer and a mother and in all of those roles I have to TEACH. If someone does not know how to squat I break it down and teach the mechanics of it, if someone does not know how to put make up on after a stroke we re-train the brain so......... with my daughter I need to TEACH her how to read faces, to study reactions and to respond. 

This can be an overwhelming task that gets forgotten in the middle of working, cooking cleaning and caring for another child. 

 

Today is about finding balance and getting back to teaching not demanding from myself, others and my precious children.

I shout glorious praise for the eye to see, the ears to hear, the heart to feel and the willingness to change and I trust him for the strength. 

November 12, 1994-My Personal Diary Notes

November 12, 1994

I stayed the night at a youth camp last night and had a total blast. I really needed that after swaying so far away from myself. I feel like I have bad vibes flowing through my blood.  I am totally out of control. I need to quit looking, start giving and forgiving more, then love will come to me. 
I learned that I am really going to be ok and I can do this thing called LIFE.  It seems so hard when depression sets in. I wish I could learn how to rely on God's love instead of basing how I feel on what others think of me.
I am counting the hours until I see my family in Co. for Thanksgiving. What a blessing to have this time with my family. I hope to learn how to appreciate my life, my friends, my job, my possessions, my knowledge and the body God gave me. Stop wishing for more AND make what I have the best by changing my attitude! 

Cheers to another day in paradise!

( I loved reading how I wrote the word "totally" in my journal)

2011
I have this pattern of Choosing LIFE over and over. I will experience this temporary freedom inside and I want to live. Not JUST survive but truly live. To hear, smell and taste all this life has to offer! The flip side of LIFE is death which equals freedom forever in my mind. Free from prejudice, constant emotional, physical and spiritual pain, the crippling battle of depression, loss of trust and faith in your loved ones and yourself.

Sitting at the top of a mountain in Co. surrounded by insurmountable beauty puts things in perspective but it does not stop the pain of defeat, the overwhelming heartache that rages in my veins. As Charles Spurgeon says " There are no broken friendships, nor blighted prospects in heaven".  I long for that place and time.

 

Attending three funerals in a month; death and mourning was a constant cloud above my head and it brought me back to a familiar dark place. I longed to be in the ground physically with them, mentally freed from nagging thoughts, spiritually arriving at my final destination. I struggled to hold on to what mattered most which was to run the race I had been given and do it well.

Marathons get really tough at mile 26 when you only have .2 to go and for me I have been doing .2 most of my life. Putting one foot in front of the other in spite of failures, regrets and let downs is all part of the running process. I physically am not scared but emotionally I am terrified! 

Ann Voskamp says it best " panting ahead in worry, pounding back in regrets, terrified to live in the present, because here-time asks me to do the hardest of all: just open wide and receive. 

Pay it Forward- May 2009-Journal Entry to my daughter

May 2009

Sweet girl you were so cute for my birthday today. When I woke you up, you kept asking me to get you some panties, then you and Kendyl would start giggling. 

Finally I opened your pantie drawer and there was a gift bag from James Avery in there. You both sat looking right at me as I opened the gift and it was a pair or heart earrings. 

You said to me "one heart for me and one heart for Kendyl". This was a moment of Pure Joy!

I love you,

 Mommy

I was able to PAY IT FORWARD today. A distraught five year old boy had obviously been over stimulated to the max and was attempting to beat up a women twice his size with kicks and punches. I saw her face and as she unsuccessfully tried to restrain him from running away into moving traffic and as she held him tightly taking multiple blows to the face with his little fist, my heart stopped beating.

My eyes swelled up with tears as the painful memories of restraining my daughter to control her from hurting me, others or herself flashed before my eyes. I tried to walk by without causing a scene but something came over me and I knew I could help. 

I said "can I have him" and I held firmly saying "shhhhhhhhhhh" softly in his ear "it's ok". He continued the fight and I started rubbing his back and using a soft tone of voice so he could calm down. I let him know that he could not hurt me and that running was dangerous and we would not allow it for his safety. I sat down holding him firmly starting to rock back and forth letting go of my grip slowly, he became still and calm.

He did the same thing my Sky Sky did, snapped out of the fit and started talking clearly and ready for water.

Mentally exhausted from the reminder of where I had been but energized about the progress we have made and encouraged to continue speaking out.

A reminder to me and everyone that bad behavior does NOT always equals bad kid!

There have been many wise people that have helped me in my journey and it was an incredible blessing today to be able to PAY IT FORWARD!

Define Special Needs

I will never forget the first time someone labeled my daughter as "special needs". WHAT does that mean? When I was a therapist, we loved labels, it helped us know what to expect from a child and how to treat them but as a mother I did NOT like that term used for my sweet little girl.

NOW ..................................

I am so grateful to have a special needs child, she teaches me the true definition of loving unconditionally, that tone of voice matters, that eye contact is valuable and that down time is sacred. 

I shutter to think the kind of mother I would of been without all the lessons I have learned from her.  

I would of taken so many things for granted and allowed time to escape without stopping to really SEE her. 

She has taught me to STOP, LOOK and LISTEN like the fireman tell you to do when you see a fire.  That is what happen to me, I saw a fire in her and I had to STOP, LOOK and LISTEN. 

STOP blaming, or searching for the whys, stop wondering or worrying. 

Stop being anger at her all the time. Stop being angry in general. Stop listening to every one's advice. Stop trying to figure out what was wrong and missing SO many things that were right. Stop refusing help.

LOOK at who I was inside and out. Look for the ways I could change instead of trying to change her. Look at ways I could make her life more comfortable. Look up to Christ instead of at the world.

LISTEN to her. Listen to the subtle signs that being too busy we often overlook. Listen to the unspoken cry of a child in need of a mommy.

So really I believe ALL kids are special needs. They all have special individual needs that as a parent we have to STOP, LOOK and LISTEN to. 

 

Oct 5, 2008-Journal Entry to my Son

Oct 5, 2008

Kendyl, 

Son, you are my sweet boy. You saw mommy crying and ran to the kitchen to get a tissue and said "you all better now" and gave me a kiss. 

Your sister has been dealing with some mental health issues and you have been so patient and kind as we learn how to parent her. 

You still have no interest in being potty trained but oh well we will get there buddy. 

Love,

Mommy

My son's smile was a shining light in a dark cave, his soft voice and sweet kisses could transcend me out of a gloomy fog!

I will never forget him and I  hiding under the bed because Skyler was having an episode and we were both scared.  I wanted to distract him so he did not have to hear her screaming, so we hid under the bed and as I held him tight rocking side to side singing Amazing Grace I could feel his heart beat slow down.

Praise God the time has past that we have to hide under the bed.  Kendyl loves his sister so much that when he is older and can comprehend what role he needs to play in her life to be a BIG LITTLE BROTHER I will tell him all about it but for now I will enjoy the contagiuos giggles between the two.

Each day holds a new journey of sibling rivarly that we have to embrace with laughter and grace.