We all have some poop in our pants!

My son, Kendyl, is a jolly guy. Happy, funny and witty!  He is both a lover and a fighter, which in today's terms means metro sexual I guess. He goes anywhere, will talk to anyone, will try almost everything (except weird looking food), loves to just be or be crazy.

Picking him up from school, I typically find a young boy that is smiling and full of energy. He loves to play but will work hard too. His quirky smile is contagious and those blue eyes take your happy meter up a notch.

This, set my heart on fire, love of my life boy taught me that everybody has poop in their pants.

He was giggling at school pick up, then rushed over to hug me (the moment I wait for all day) but THEN he sternly whispered in my ear "we need to go home right now".  "Bud you OK" I ask?  "No No I have poop in my pants"!  "WHAT" I almost scream, but contained myself.  "What Happen"?  He tells me the story as we rush to find sister and get in the car. Right then a life lesson shines in the car like the sun on a rainy day.

On the outside, as the world looks at us, we are smiling but really we ALL have poop in our pants. We wear the "I am OK" mask, while waddling through life trying not to let anyone notice our extra baggage.

Skyler, his sister asks whats wrong, "why are we rushing"? I said "Kendyl had an accident, let's go quickly". Skyler says "did you pee in your pants?" and Kendyl says "noooo".  Skyler then says in a loud screaming voice "oooh you pooped".

Time stopped for a brief second as I watched his face. He looked as if he was going to cry but he waited to see her response. We all do this... if our poop is acceptable to others we feel OK about it!  Skyler laughed like it was no big deal and then Kendyl went from almost crying to laughing and the situation dissipated BUT had Skyler mocked him, the ending would of been different.  

At times we mask the pain of rejection with false confidence or stuffing our pain inside neither a good ingredients for maturity and true self acceptance. The sooner we accept that everyone has some poop in their pants the better we will all be for it!

Saying YES to one thing means saying NO to something else

Saying Yes to stillness, says NO to chaos

It astonishes me that I learned a life changing fact from my 7 year daughter with Aspergers. I have been saying NO to different things since she was 3 yrs old because I knew she could not handle loud places, crowds, too many activities in one day, social interactions, new places and changing plans or not planning. In all of this I never noticed an important FACT about life, a FACT we all live by,  

When we say YES to anything in life it means we say NO to something else.

It may seem simple and you may be thinking no duh! But really when I began thinking EVERY time I said yes, what was I saying NO too. It shocked me how different my life could be or would be when I started looking at what I was saying NO to on a regular basis. It is like a railroad track constantly a parallel. So when we say YES we also are saying NO at the same time!

Think with me for a minute, you wake up and if you say YES to laying in bed 15 extra minutes you say NO to what? (relaxed time getting ready, time to read a devotional, time to shower, time to write a little note to your child) the list could go on and on. 

We say Yes to looking at some form of media (computer, FB, TV, IPhone) catching up on life, well... this says NO to quiet time to recharge brain, NO to talking to your partner, NO to the pet that needs love. 

When I decided to say NO to living in anger every day, I said YES to being free to experience joy. When we we all decide to say YES to forgiving someone who caused us pain we say NO to bitterness. 

Then let's just say you have time to say YES to stopping at Starbucks, well you now said NO to donating that $6 to the homeless, No to saving money, NO to getting out of debt, No to saving those extra calories..... But YES to a caffeine high!!! I still need to work on this one.

Are you starting to understand how different just thinking about what we are saying NO to when we say YES could make in our life. I have spent so many years making bad choices, that I am beginning on a path of hopefully having less regrets and this is my next step.  

OK! SO now I have said YES to using my last couple hours of the day to write in my blog but have said NO to watching a movie with my husband, I am not off to a good start of no regrets. BOO!

Saying yes to overworking says NO to sooooo many things. I think the point is that when I dig deep and think about what I am giving up to say YES or NO, it may help me make better choice's. 

As a mom I do not want my kids remembering that I said NO to them because I said YES to everything or everyone else. 

                                                

                                                        Saying NO to all the little things that don't really matter means I say YES to what matters 

MOST! 

I would love to hear all the ways you say YES and NO or how thinking about it helped change some or your answers. Share so we all learn!

The lessons I learned about Letting go.............(Lesson 3)

Two halves of a whole, is my definition of motherhood. You are one person, then  if you become a mother, you no longer belong only to yourself but are now two halves with some gooey stuff in the middle. The gooey stuff has allot to do with environment, history, upbringing and beliefs.

My gooey stuff still needs refining, maturing and guidance in order for it to be productive in anyway. Letting go is part of the process and it allows for growth not only in me but in my kids and in all relationships. I am learning to appreciate the difficult days and be stimulated by the challenges I encounter along the way.

I found myself in the role of motherhood long before I was ever a biological mother with an incredible opportunity to be a foster parent. Fostering 10 kids in four years changed the way I would be a parent forever. I started learning about Letting go of my anger when I was denied adoption rights to a foster boy (Daniel) I had in my home. The state thought they knew what was better for his future then a young single women in college. The devastation that held me captive for months bought on a pit of guilt and depression. 

What would happen to him, where would he live, who would love him, teach him, guide him into the cruel world of humanity. God would! I had to trust that the Lord that watches over everyone of us and meets all our needs, would meet my little Daniel's needs, even if I could not see it, I had to have faith, to let him go. 

Daniel and Me on Beach

Then came the day I was told bearing my own children would be highly unlikely, which was confirmed with a miscarriage of my first pregnancy. The idea of being a biological mom came and went with three years of attempting to get pregnant again. Letting go... again to the fact that God's plan is more magnificent that I could ever imagine. "Your plan not mine" I said over and over.His plan was so much better than mine because within month of my husband finding a new job with better insurance I was pregnant!

Little does any new mother know, the challenges of carrying a new life inside you starts with fear. Fear of so many unknowns. Letting go of the unknowns, the mistakes that you have experienced, that you as a mom do not want repeated now that you are in the drivers seat of motherhood.

The next letting go of motherhood is embarrassing to say but it was harder to do. The doc confirmed that I am pregnant again! WHAT WHAT WHAT I just had a baby!  I felt the surge of anger, fear, denial and shock run through my veins. The swelling in my eyes continued for months until, I LET GO again. Let go of thinking I COULD NOT do this again, the pain, the fatigue, the emotional up and down of hormonal surges gripping your body. I could and would with super natural strength that we, all women all moms, have in reserve to survive.

One of the most cherished moments I had with my daughter, that truly took me by surprise, was the connection I had during breast feeding. Never took myself as the breast feeding type BUT once you hear how good it is for your baby how could you not try. I gave myself the 6 month goal! It turned into one of the greatest joys of my entire life, after the intense pain left my breast of course!!!!

So letting go of the fact that I COULD not breast feed my son after I had held onto this hope for 9 month sent me diving back into a black hole of despair. The one that had looked very familiar to me and the same black hole that almost took my life. 

I felt the greatest sense of loss during those quiet nights crying , pumping milk that he could not drink and pleading with God to heal my son so I could nurse him. When you have been up for month with a colic child that can now only eat a special formula with thicken added due to allergies and aspirating lungs, and a 17 month old daughter that is totally dependent on mommy, I slipped into postpartum depression. 

My cries for healing of my son turned into me begging for him to take my life. I had lost all connection with the baby boy I gave birth to, I struggled to eat, sleep, work, laugh and feel. The doom of seeing the sun shine into my window and the sweet grunts of babies waking up from slumber meant to me another day of bondage.

Help was sought and help was found in many different ways but it required letting go and asking for help. I needed more help now then ever before in my life up to this day and letting go of myself was the only way to rebuild and heal! 

Fast forward several years of learning to let go daily my desires, for the needs of an exuberant family and we find a little girl riding her bike.  Mom is holding the back of the bike with such a firm grip that she will never be able to pedal on her own until I LET GO of the bike. It means letting her learn, hurt, fall, succeed and fail. How do I stop the pain that has spanned now 40 yrs of my life so that it does not infect my kids? Letting go of the controlling and debilitating fear starts with me taking my hand off the bike and setting her free.

LET GO MOM LET GO!

The lessons I learned about Letting go.............(lesson 2)

Cruising along the beach I realized that my life had many parallels to my ride that morning.  

To my right the sun illuminated the sea and a seagull flying free in the splendor of natures nightlight.

To my left was enormous structures built for our entertainment and enjoyment.

Houses with different frames, landscapes that filled each corner of the lot and balconies that reached out to the water. 

I rode on for a couple hours and to my amazement I found myself gazing back and forth from right to left. I discovered when my eyes stayed looking right at the steadfast sea; The glorious creation given to us, I was content, relaxed and in awe of the gift. 
When I focused my attention to the left, at house after house each one trying to make its own statement, I found myself wanting, wishing, desiring more and my hands started to grip the handle bars a little tighter as my chest began to tighten with anxiety. 

That's it!
It is not what we have, where we live, how many cars we have, if we have kids, don't have kids, married or single, it is what we choose to focus on. 
We can continue to focus on the house, the marriage, the kids, the job, the area, the school, the life that we want and the human desire will go on and on.  We would give up our soul to obtain what we think we can not have OR we can choose freedom like the seagull in the moonlight.  
The open sea is a gift from God, always constant, a gift you do not have to work for or be compared to, it is there to simply enjoy, BUT you have to focus on the right.

  Letting go of the world's view of success, Is it possible in today's society of constant consumption to only look right?

I am willing to try, for the sake of the most fulfilling ride,
A life worth lived.

The lessons I learned about .......Letting go ( Lesson 1)

Have you noticed a new babies fist, they stay clenched tight. When they start to open, it is then and only then can they welcome touch. They start reaching, holding onto things and feeling their environment. They learn and grow because of the feedback from touch.

It occurred to me that I have spent most of my life with clenched fist. Holding inside tight hands was anger, bitterness and discontentment. It is easier to guard yourself against pain and hurt when your hands do not open to feel and touch.

That heavy beat of failure, a pounding bass of disappointment that has marked my days and nights. The existence that can cause so much damage to the spirit with hurtful words, abuse and broken promises can also bring maturity, joy and fulfillment but you have to open the hands to receive first.

Giving Thanks as Ann Voskamp says "awakens me to God giving Himself to me-for me-a surrender of Love." The discipline of giving thanks helps the fist open.

August 22, 2010-Journal Entry to my Daughter

August 22, 2010

Tomorrow is your first day of kindergarten! So amazing to me that you will be in school all day. Mommy is so scared and sad but excited for you to grow and learn.  The doctors have helped us make the decision to put you in regular full time school and see how you do. I want to go to school with you everyday to guide and protect you but I know that would only hold you back. 

First School Picture

You lost another top tooth and you look so cute with a gap. We had a great summer together, you have become quite the little swimmer. Your long arms just glide through the water. You look very relaxed and peaceful when you swim. The water seems to have a calming effect. So proud of how hard you work. 

I love you baby girl,

Mommy









_______________________________________________________________
I felt like I was suffocating in the dreams that had become cruel mirages and  the naive hope had started to melt but now it is hard to say I have any regret for the struggles in my life because it has created a new life in me.


I could not of imagined, on that first day of school, that we would be well into 1st grade with a affectionate, loving, brilliant and flourishing young women. A child that has friends and thinks of others. A contagious smile and loving demeanour. When your told all the above is not possible then you dispel the myth your eyes can only look up!

The routine that has been part of our life for the past couple years, the change in the way we teach her, the effort we put in to limit overload and to consistently give her enough rest, helps her handle what her mind tells her she can't. The commitment to love her in a new way, a better way, has given all of us new life.
She taught us how to let go and just LOVE! Take away the expectations and the PLANS we had and just LOVE! 
 

Sept 20, 2009-Journal Entry to my daughter

Sept 20, 2009

We had the most incredible birthday celebration-You are now 5 years old! 

Daddy and I took you and Kendyl to Fossil Rim (a wildlife park that you feed the animals from your car). You fed a zebra, deer and a ram. 

We were all scared of the ostrich, because it had scary red eyes. We had so much fun just being together and celebrating your life.

We love you so much,

Mommy

Courage grows out of difficult times. No one is born courageous! Finding strength and significance in a constantly changing world and uncertain situations can ONLY be found in the journey of faith! Celebrating my daughters life in an environment that animals were free and Skyler had freedom from anxiety and people pressures was the greatest gift of all.
 

Her love for animals and the ability to connect with them is truly remarkable.