Allowing for Uncomfortable

This entire process of creating a controlled and comfortable world to help us find some stability, was the top priority then; but now it's time to shift gears and rock the boat. Maturity begins by learning to cope during the uncomfortable situations. Parenting how to cope using positive, constructive processing skills that help foster patience, perseverance and tenacity followed by resolution can be quite the task in any situation.

 

Daily life is far from controlled and more times then not it has a tendency to be noisome and uncomfortable. There is a wide range of sensory inputs that attack our system in which we learn to process, adjust and adapt to. 

Creating constant comfort does not teach adaptivity it gives a false sense of security. 

The strategy is so diverse for each child that we cannot use just one book, or take one persons plan or idea but taking those tools and compiling a system unique for our individual child's needs. Searching for methods, programs, professionals, supplements, teachers, books etc. to keep us moving forward toward higher and higher functionality not perfection.

For me it has been to stop changing my goals for her into a goal I would impose on myself. Stop looking past the goal I had set and wanting a much higher goal to be met. Stop missing the completion of simple task happening right before my eyes. Stop changing my goals to meet the worlds standard of success. Stop fixing it for her, stop talking for her, stop wanting it more then she wants it , stop jumping ahead and breath in the uncomfortable moment of today right now without fixing or doing anything. 

I glance over and see through the shining light a calm inside her that I have not seen before and my heart rejoices. For today the goal has been met and the uncomfortable moments left unfixed have produced compatibility with life's adversity. 

The Fork In The Road

The entire month of April I wrestled with my post for Autism Awareness month.  I kept coming back to the realization that everyday is autism awareness for our home, so the post is landing in May instead of April mainly because April was a tough month. The adjustment of medication changes is hard on the family unit and truth be told I was running low on positivity. Over analyzing, under communicating, fear winning over faith and barely managing could be the entire post but at the end of the dark tunnel comes sunshine and with that bright light, I am inspired to write.

Knowing that we have a multitude of choices in any given situation pushes fear out of the drivers seat.  From the moment we were able to choose, we have had a continuous wave of choices. Every moment we are making choices, choices what to do with time, what to eat, how to feel, what to drive, where to work and what to believe. What do I do with my first step out of bed, what choice do I make at the yellow light, at the grocery store, what choice do I make when I disagree, when I feel sad, angry or tired. Past experience lead to making positive or sometimes negative choices.

Parenting has a different challenge, our choices directly effect the lives of another. This realization so clear in my mind as if it was yesterday. The choices began before she was even introduced to the world. The conscious decision to make changes, to abstain from negative environmental, harmful toxins that you could put in the body, exercise or not exercise, can I take a Tylenol, should I sky dive pregnant?  

The fork in the road: deciding to go right or left to veer off or to stay on course, to speed up or slow down. We can not determine the outcome but we can be mindful of the consequences our decisions have on our children's lives. Intentional pauses made at the fork for clarity and guidance, seeking insight and accepting help has made the biggest difference in the outcome thus far.

A friend and I sat together on Mothers Day for a brief, kid free moment watching a toddler run around and I smiled "do you remember that stage? It seemed impossible to imagine how we would make it to today, the task then during that season seemed so daunting. Reflecting back I found myself in a place of surrender and gratitude. 

The choices made at many forks in the road has lead to small rewards, the budding of seeds planted now show signs of vibrant color. Refreshed and inspired to keep pausing at the fork will carry me through the rest of the day. Her brilliant response "those days required soooo much physical energy and this stage requires soooo much emotional energy", paved the way to the next fork.

How true I thought and now I pause at this fork in the road, shifting gears to remind myself that staying emotionally, physically and spiritual healthy to sustain this new emotional neediness is crucial. What my children learn from this new challenge will be a foundation for future relationships and managing societal pressure. I look right, I look left, slowly rolling into the new territory of teenager years using great caution and discernment. 

A brilliant mentor once said "find a women who has walked in your shoes that you respect and emulate her, don't go it alone and pray about everything, releasing what is out of your control, resting in the good times so you can fight in the bad."

At the fork: pause, seek council, surrender, dive in, let go, stay strong and no regrets.

 “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. “

 2 Timothy 4:7  

Every one has prior experience with 

"THE WAIT"

Waiting for that bowl of ice cream till you finish your broccoli, the agonizing wait of the school bus (if you were that kid), the wait for dinner to be ready, the breathless wait for the positive pregnancy test, the anticipated wait for that special person, the timeless wait for biopsy results, the parent waiting for the seeds they sowed to produce fruit after years of tireless laboring, the waiting by a loved ones bedside slumping and exhausted as they took their last breath or simply waiting for the fog to lift to see the sun. 

I can remember several distinct waiting moments that chiseled character in me. The kind of waiting that drops you to your knees and cry out in desperation. 
 

What does waiting produce in us? What do we do during the waiting? What's our vice?  Who will we be after the waiting, Bitter or grateful? 

I remember years ago and it has stayed with me all this time. A speaker said, he never slept when he was burdened, he would lay awake worrying about the ongoing suffering in this world. He finally learned to let go of that burden because it was not his to bear and was encouraging us to rest so we can be ready. In my waiting I have learned to rest. In waiting I have also found unsurpassed joy which is contrary to what the world screams at us.

The doctor said the scary "C" word (cancer) but I was too young to for this to happen to ME, I wanted a family. I was alone not only in that room but in life by my own choices. My lifestyle kept me alone to avoid rejection and pain. He got it all so it doesn't really matter RIGHT? Did I learn in the waiting way back then?

"The baby does not have a heart beat", we will call you with the results. The longest, hardest wait of my entire existence was that weekend, rubbing my belly begging God for answers. Did I learn in the wait? 

She said with a smile on her face "we will call you with the results" after she hacked away on multiple areas of my body with what looked like a box knife

She got it all after the third round so does it really matter now? Did I learn from this wait? 

Do I have to wait for the call to start the transformation? 

I waited faintly as my mind drifted through the fog of pain for him to say, "it's a _____", but all I heard a tense voice say "oxygen needed" and felt the hairs on my air stand straight up as I observed frantic nurses but felt helpless. I changed my mind about caring if it was a boy or girl, now all I wanted to hear was "it was going to be OK"! 17 hours of laboring, waiting, crying, pushing, did I learn in the wait?

The lesson soaked into my pores like a dehydrated sponge, defining importance became very simple - we make it so darn complicated. 

Open your grip, release the expectations, free the societal constraints. I am afraid to admit I want to stay in this frozen time of waiting so I don't lose my perspective of what's truly important, so I don't fall back into complacency and trapped by own anger and fear. 

"Now we wait" the doctor said, 48hours! The phone will ring, the results spoken, please Lord help me to stay forever changed no matter what the results. My husband lying in ICU every moment being monitored for brain function. Then nurse says if he makes it through the night without a brain bleed we are out of the woods. The darkness hung on like a rain cloud, the time ticked slowly by as I remembered rest so you can be ready. The sun burst though the darkness, the lesson revealed, I learned from the past waiting!

It pops back up like a jack in the box, the waiting. It was a tumor not a cyst we will call you with the results. This time is no different then the lifetime of waiting before. I will rest so I can be ready and I know when I am weary he will carry me! 

The Footprints Prayer

One night I had a dream...

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life, There was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, You would walk with me all the way; But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, There is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why in times when I needed you the most, you should leave me.

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child. I love you, and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.

The GRIND ( Happy New Year)

I asked the question "How is she doing?" and the response was "She is fine but not sure she can handle the grind, the daily routine of her new life". Oooooh! I thought, that's a grim response.

I was perplexed and continued thinking again and again about the response and then asked myself, "Do I handle the grind?" 

The longer I pondered this question, the more I realized we ALL have grind, we may have different grind but we all have grind. Some may be the physical disability grind, emotional grind, financial grind, spiritual grind or even the weight loss grind, the kid drama grind, the in law grind, the cancer grind, the bad boss grind, the aging grind and on and on it could go. 

Everyone has Grind! It is how we handle or cope with the grind that makes the compelling difference. We can stay in the grind and allow it to mold us, teach us perseverance, patience, forgiveness, compassion and contentment. OR... we can avoid it, run away, play the victim card, live in constant drama mode, defense mode, have a anger filled spirit, lack of empathy and plagued by a depressive state. 

If I am sincere with you and myself, I have done and been all these things. On a regular basis, I have keep myself from jumping off the cliff of despair and intentioanl choose to walk away from the raging confusion in my own head and heart. 

   

Looking up the definition of "grind" was thoroughly interesting and may not be appropriate for young children! (haha). The definition is not significantly important but the layer a little deeper then that, that matters.

How does our personal grind effect us? How does it change us? I began to look around and ask this question to people crossing my path. 

How are you doing in the grind of life? WOW! Powerful question, heads up if you decide to ask, be ready to listen. 

I have been water walking in the lane next to a gentleman and when I asked him the question he begins to tell me about his wife who sadly took her life and for years he struggled with severe depression. The pharmacy tech opens up about his own medication struggles to comfort my self judgement, the coffee barista unloads a past that could make your head spin and the wealthiest of people that are hurting and coping from abuse and loss that money can not fix.  We are surrounded by the grind of life.

Jeremiah 17:8

They will be like a tree planted by the water
    that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
    its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
    and never fails to bear fruit.”

How would someone answer if they were asked, how I was handling the grind. The daily job, the daily parenting, the daily marriage, the daily internal struggle. Honesty if I was being graded it would change everyday. I am a wishy washy mess 90% of the time so I guess that would be a big "F" on my report card. 

However who is grading me? Seriously who is the teacher that is looming over my work and grading my life? It is anyone I give the power to do so, you my reader, my co-workers, my kids, my parents, my siblings.......my self. 

Reflecting back over 2016, will it be any different in the New Year? No! not really, the daily struggles (THE GRIND) is still there but what will be different is who I allow to grade me.

 

For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the LORD, And He watches all his paths. Proverbs 5:22

Happy New Year, Happy New of the same Grind, Happy New You, Happy New Ideas, Happy New but kinda like newly used. Happy Recycled is really what we could call it. 

Bring on 2017!

   

The dog ate my shorts!

 

The three of us, dad, brother and I stood looking at each other in bewilderment after we realized the dog had ate Sky's shorts. Not just any shorts, but "THE" shorts. "THE" only shorts she will wear, "THE" only shorts she has worn for nearly 6 month. The pair prior to these shorts, that she out grew, she wore every day to school for an entire year.  I know, I know.... normal you say for this age child to wear same clothes over and over, well we have a tendency to pass quickly by "normal" and go into, as the world or her friends say, "the strange zone". 

"What are we going to do?" her brother asked with trepidation, trying to talk over the loud screaming coming from upstairs. "Well I tell you what we are not going to do", replies dad. "We are not driving all over town, spending hours and an exuberant amount of money trying to find the PERFECT pair of shorts that she will wear!"  WHAT???????????? Breath Mom, Breath, this is a good thing, Dad is right she will find an alternative and learning to adapt in these situations is good for her.

OK! Parents of sensory kids that know my pain, no tags, no seams, only cotton with the right amount of tight but not too tight, the inside texture touching skin, no frills, lace or fluff only elastic and/or drawstring with no this, no that, NO problem. RIGHT!! There is no way to explain in this brief summary the past 12 years of clothing issues we have had to overcome nor do I want to begin that drum roll however I do know that being uncomfortable is one thing and its a completely different thing not being able to function due to overload.

The search begins for "THE" new shorts. I have to say, it was something I dreaded and still is if we are shopping together however I have a brilliant technique that saves me from hours of horrifying anguish trying to help find a solution to a problem I can not relate to. SOOOOOO wait for it here is my idea. 

I went and bought 25 different pairs of shorts left them in her closet without pressure or comments about what, how or who. All but one ends up being returned. Did you caught that, the ONE new pair of "THE" shorts. I feel like Batgirl swinging from the tallest building over looking a small success in the middle of a giant mess.  Ok not really a tall building but a very low ledge however the triumphant small steps in the mundane battles that try to creep in to steal our joy has not taken mom down today.

Moment to moment, capture the challenge, smile at the issues, wave by to the negativity, be creative and never let the dog eat your shorts!

Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you

(1 Peter 5:7)

All the things I wish I could make you understand about being 12 years old!

Intellectually I know, I can not MAKE someone understand certain things, however my heart felt there was a way to expose my daughter to the wonders of the world. Opening her eyes to see, feel and experience some things I hope she will learn as she embarks on a new age.  

Most mothers, including myself, want their child to learn from all the mistakes that were made instead of experiencing the pain first hand. It is one of the toughest moments of this job, to watch your child step off the edge of a cliff emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally or financially when we know how bad it hurts. Our scars still remind us of where we have been and what we are trying to keep them from repeating.

 What is it like to be twelve years old? How has her view of the world and herself changed? I observe the "almost teen" dipping her toes into the waters of trial and error. I want to provide opportunities for her to learn from others and demonstrate through my own actions what I hope she will want to emulate. My guide book full of teachings, parables and guidance for everything we face reminds me what I want her to remember during this time, this trip, this celebration of her life, this experience. 

 Romans 12:2  Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

We traveled, we tasted, we saw, we cried, we laughed, we held, we fought, we were shocked, we were afraid, we held on tight, we let go, we walked, we biked, we sailed, we loved, we remembered the past, we prayed, we tried, we lost, we won, we failed, we began, we ended, we slept, we woke, we inhaled, we exhaled, we smiled! 

Happy Birthday to my Sky, 

the wildest 12 year ride of my life. 

All my love I give to you 

today and forevermore!

Finding the Joy in Motherhood

What do I hope my kids learn from tragedy, from chaos, from violence, from death, from cruelty, from unfairness, from ME, with the time we have been given? 

I need to be honest the statement "The Joy Of Motherhood" has rarely been an experience of mine, not for any reason except that I have not allowed myself to be joyful. 

Most of the time I feel burdened with sadness for the injustice in this life, spending my energy and time wanting to teach my kids something rather then listening or allowing them to explore and learn.

I heard her say to her brother " Kendyl, you know we have a brother, he is in heaven and we will meet him one day".  

The air stuck to my ribs as I jerked the steering wheel to avoid an accident. I can not even tell you his response, because I was still struggling to breathe. My mind flashes to an image of a now 15 year old boy that is waiting to meet his family for the first time. 

So many things he has experienced before me and ALL the pain he has avoided not living in a fallen world made me smile and take that much needed exhale.

"Right mom you had a baby die in your belly", she keeps talking as if she is talking about the weather. I realized she is comforted by the fact she has an older brother watching out for her and she wanted her younger brother to know too. 

I never thought about it from a sibling side only from a mothers side of pain and loss. Loss to one person but gain in the another way...now so clear. "When a window closes God opens a door"! I have only used this cliche to comfort me in situations that didn't hurt this bad. 

The truth of the situation hit me, this is what I want my kids to learn from me and how I find the Joy in Motherhood. 

Look for God's handy work in the midst of deep sorrow and pain, look for his people to pour love into hate, look for smiles in the midst of frowns, seek his guidance when all else fails. 

There will always be suffering, death, destruction and malice and the ONLY peace we can obtain, is the peace within ourselves, that peace that surpasses all understanding, peace that bridges the gap between all races, color, nationality or income brackets.  

No person, no TV show, no radio broadcaster, no other human being or idea or plan or vote or book can protect the soul from darkness except the one that created LIGHT. 

John 8:12  I Am the Light of the World

My oldest son may have only felt my heart beat without physically seeing my quirky smile, or heard my obnoxious laugh but he already knows the depth of me and we will be together one day in the glorious presence of a Father that loves all and knows all. 

Until we are reunited son, my love only grows deeper and deeper with each passing day. 
Love Mom