April 14, 2009-Journal Entry to my daughter

You are smiling more and more every day

April 14, 2009

Good Morning my love! You have been a shining star! The Lord has truly blessed us with people in our lives to help you enjoy life more. You spent the entire weekend with your cousins and had a BLAST. I love listening to you giggle. You are so loved, never forget that. 

Daddy bought you a bug house and you are crazzzy over these little bugs, you just love them. It is so precious to see you have a connections with God's little creatures.

Love 

Mommy

I am told that "Courage grows out of difficult circumstances" and I believe that to be true. When the ground shatters under your feet we have choices to make and I have to say I made the wrong choices. I allowed rage to control my life, my marriage and my mothering. 

My approach in handling my daughter was so far off base that it is embarrassing to admit.  What Skyler needed  was an authoritarian yet gentle voice and my calm spirit. 

I now understand what it means to walk by faith and not by feelings, to think before I respond, "to Stop, Look and Listen" as the firefighters say.  I want to keep learning, keep growing and keep being my daughters defender, cheerleader and mother. 

After March Before April 2009-Journal Entry to my daughter




SkySky Bug,

We have had such a rough time lately-not sure where to go from here. You have had some terrific past couple month but now I feel like we are back to square one.
I feel like it is me-I am so confused-I can not sleep-I am on my knees, "God give me wisdom".

Love you Baby Girl,
Mommy

Looking at this sweet face brings tears to my eyes. So many times she seemed to be smiling on the outside but struggling internally. I would ask what can Mommy do, are you OK, Do you feel mad, sad? Did someone hurt you, did I hurt you? She had no way of expressing to me the battle going on in her head.  I grew very weary and tired. Tired of mothering, tired of not knowing how to mother, tired of no answers. Just TIRED! 

My new normal was just to survive each day. I did not want to settle for just survival. I wanted more! I desired family time that did not end in complete chaos because my daughter had a melt down that would take hours to calm her down, to be able to go into a store without running out in a panic that she would run away into moving traffic.

I did not enjoy the feeling in my gut when my husband and I would have to take turns caring for her because it was so much work that you could only endure short periods of time without losing your mind. 

I know the old saying "Where there is a will, there is a way" but does will have anything to do with motherhood?  Can you WILL answers, change, direction or help?  

March 3, 2009-Journal Entry to my daughter

Skyler,

Where does the time go? Well baby girl you have been so happy lately, talking more, laughing and playing so well with Kendyl. You were making him giggle tonight and he kept saying "Again, Again" and you would do it again and he would giggle even harder. 

The doctor is trying some different medication for you and I really think this one is making the biggest difference. You seem to be more comfortable in your skin. Less anxious, less tantrums, less agitated and more smiles!


We had the BEST family day.  We all enjoyed just being together and I found myself walking through the mall crying tears of joy. 

You really are a beautiful wonderful child that I love more and more every day. 

Love,

Mommy

I live in gratitude that we have smiles on a regular basis now. A smile of comfort and true joy that every kid should be able to experience.  My SKY SKY is able to enjoy life because of medication.

On the other hand I live with a constant battle of right vs. wrong.  I am relying on drugs and with the risk of side effects and long term addiction am I making the Best decision. Mommy guilt is overwhelming when I allow it to consume my thoughts. Yes, Yes, yes, they all say but internally as a MOM, I will always wonder. 

For now I love hearing her soft tone of voice, sweet smiles and her ability to handle extra snuggles. The battle can continue in my mind as long as I see her making progress and enjoying being six years old.

Jan 23, 2009-Journal Entry

Daddy and Sky Bug

Sky,

I am willing to do whatever to help you. 

It did not go very well taking you off the full dose of your medicine. You have had some tough ups and downs but God has really helped me be more patient, kind and gentle even during the very trying times.

I feel so lost and scared. I wake up everyday not knowing what to expect.

I was just thinking about the first day I held you in my arms and since that day I have loved you more and more. Perseverence will be our new middle name.  

You have started riding your bike and you rode all the way to Cooper today. My hearts sings when your happy sweet girl! 

I love you,

Mommy

My current situation in 2010 seems so different from Jan 2009. When my daughter lets me fix her hair or allows me to briefly hold her in a tight bear hug or says hello to someone approaching us, my heart skips a beat. 

I notice the simplest things that would of passed right by me if I had not expercienced the pain in those previous years. Having a child with Aspergers is not strange anymore to me, it is normal. It is my normal and I am learning to embrace the challenges one by one. 

I am still learning to balance her needs with my sons and husbands so I am no longer consumed with HER issues, HER anger, HER disconnection but to blend HER into our family.  

With a marriage on the rocks and a son that needs a mother to be present in his life there is no time to waste.  Each moment has to count to ensure that I have no regrets.    

As Spurgeon puts it, "It is peace, sweet, deep peace which follows the horrible turmoil that once reigned in our tormented souls."

December 11, 2008

Sky Sky,

Mom and Dad have tried to ween you off half the medication you have been taking and we are pleased to report, so far so good. We feel so much better that you are not taking so much medicine and pray God will direct us in ways to eliminate all of it. 

I feel so helpless in trying to be your mom. It is so hard baby girl but perseverance and determination are my focus.

Your dad and I love you so much and we are not giving up, we will do our very best to teach, love and care for you. 

Love,

Mom

....As I end my day with a journal reading, I am reminded that some experiences are life altering! Everything that one seemed so important  has now faded and all new priorities have appeared. My focus, my energy, my time, my resources and my thoughts now are directed toward building a different life.  A life that my daughter can thrive in!

Thanksgiving Day 2008-Journal Entry

Happy Thanksgiving Baby Girl! So many things in my life to be thankful for, YOU for starters.  I am grateful for how hard you are working on learning how to react. 

This motherhood thing is REALLY hard for me too and together we can help each other. I feel like such a failure sometimes but in my weakness I look up, and I pray I can teach you the same.  

I am so proud of you.   

Mommy

If you would of told me before I had kids, that I would be the mother of a   beautiful three year old girl that had to take a pill every day to function, I would of thought you crazy. 

Having a Mental Health Doctor was not on my list of things I wanted to add to my life.  Being a survivor of depression and abuse I was proud of the fact that I never had to get "therapy".  

I did not put much thought into therapy or getting help, I only thought about survival.  Pulling up my boot straps and moving on.

BUT... Just surviving was not enough when it came to my daughter. I believed that medication would not be long term and I had control concerning how long we would use medication as an aid to help us.  

October 29, 2008

Skyler,

One week home and still going strong Baby Girl! You had a speech evaluation done today, which taught us that you have some expression delays. It is hard for you to express yourself, which makes you very frustrated. So... we are going to take you to speech every week and help you get back on track. Learning about you is so interesting.   I am continuing to keep my eyes on Christ because he promises he will fight my battles for me if I will let him.

Love,

Mommy

Discovering my daughters strength and weaknesses is one of the most amazing things to me about motherhood. 

Learning that my daughter comprehended at a 5 year old level but could only express herself like a 2 year old helped make sense of the situation we were in. It gave us an understanding of what she had been going through too.

We were excited about getting some tools to help her and discovering new ways to parent. We felt hopeful for the first time in along time!