Saving enough energy to parent well!

 
Remembering back to the time in my life when responsibilities and consequences were not as heavy as now. When working all day and playing all night with energy left to spare was a way of life for me.

Conserving energy was the LAST thing on my mind.  Being a natural work alcoholic is suppose to be a strength in ones life, but as you begin a family and taking care of others becomes a full time job your work ethic has to change. Well it doesn't HAVE to change but someone or something along the way will suffer if that self serving lifestyle is continued for too long.

The funny part is, I hear it all the time and it reminds me of myself, when a new mom or a first time pregnant mom says "well I am going right back to work, or they try to convince someone that they will be able to resume the current responsibilities in the workplace once the maturity leave is over". NOT!!!!

This, not even, 10lb little bitty human can rock your world from the first cry. That first glance into the most precious, miraculous face changes EVERYTHING! From long morning runs around the lake to long nights meeting her every need. From sitting and enjoying a hot cup of fresh coffee to sitting and nursing. From going to the movies to watching a movie at home. From brushed hair and shaved legs to I will just shower later. From adult parties to Chucky Cheese pizza. From a small compact car to a dirty mini-van. From afternoon bike rides with friends to holding up a bike for a 2yr old. From adult conversations to saying over and over "use your words". The list is truly endless what a parent gives up to raise a child.

In my personal journey these past couple years of motherhood, learning to conserve energy for the important things, I have had to almost die to self in order to provide my version of an ideal home life for my children. A home that will enrich and cultivate an atmosphere that will set the stage for adulthood. Is this necessarily a bad thing? Can not answer that question for anyone else but I can for myself and after careful evaluation and some long hard searching days, I have concluded NO,  it is not a bad thing. It truly has been a decision from the heart and maybe from the checking account....... but to start changing where I give, how much I give and to whom I give, in order to have something left over to give to my family has not been a bad thing. The results of being available mentally, physically and emotionally for my family is astronomical.  

It is not enough to give up the easy things, it is in giving up the hard things that you make the most significant difference. It is the extra 20 min back rub, the night after night routine that says I am here, the teacher conference that mess up your entire day, its the CONSTANT controlling of self to teach control. It is saying no to a $300 dress and getting one at TJMAXX so your daughter can have a new bike. It could be, NOT stepping in to save the day or refraining ones self from fixing a mess or cleaning a room to teach independence. 

It is in that moment when you feel like your drowning in a sea of heaviness and saying to yourself,  I can not do one more tub of laundry or clean one more paint brush or drive to one more game in this heat that I think about my life before kids and put a smile on my face and feel overwhelmed with gratitude that for this time in my life I have made the choice to die to self in order to teach, to serve, to give and to LOVE. All that being said,  I am not quitting my job but the point is I do not want to be defined by my job ( and you know how I love me some Pilates),  I do not want to be defined by the amount of activities I have signed up for or the amount of money I make; I want to define and be defined after a selfless God that taught us all how to serve others and in that serving I pray my kids will learn to serve and to love. I want to keep growing as they grow, to keep learning so they can learn through me and when the time comes for them to serve me in my old age, may the serving be joyful, not a burden.

From years of making bad choices to suddenly having a reason to make good choices I have found  freedom that brings contentment in the selflessness act of parenting. When every moment of our day is making choices from food, to appropriate clothe, to time spent, we have to choose to save and conserve energy to have back up to give when the heat is on. When the emotional, physical and spiritual bank account is empty and that sweet hand reaches up to meet yours and you meet it with fatigue or anger they know, they sense and they feel it to. I am learning to meet that hand with clarity in who I am and give the best of myself not the left overs. Choices....

Validation

Leaning my weight into the table as the speaker talked about invalidating your spouse, it was a marriage lecture I was attending, but I suddenly was applying it to parenting. Of course I was... that's what moms do, apply everything to parenting, could be one of the reasons I needed a marriage lecture (chuckle). 

Truth be told, I identified with this term INVALIDATING, in the way I spoke to my daughter. I understood at that moment that when I try to tell her she doesn't feel a certain way, or what she meant to say or do was this, it is invalidating. My daughter's emotional expressions were dealt with appropriately and I have responded inconsistently, which does not allow much room for confidence. 

The reflection of myself in the mirror of life, 
stung like a bee as I was reminded about the past corrections I had made as a mother. How thankful I am that it IS possible to change and our relationship can be nurtured back to vibrancy.

When change is on the menu where do you look to learn, to read, to follow, to get knowledge about what you need to know. In this vast world of easy access anything, it can be overwhelming to the searching mind.

Narrowing my search has made it easy to weed through the constant bombardment of media. The advice I seek, the books I read, the sites I visit and the people I want to emulate, all have a peace that comes from the Savior. We have already been saved from our poor judgement,  backwards priorities and our scaring invalidation. We have been set free to choose and I choose life, grace, forgiveness and most of all change. 

I want to validate others in all my relationships but mostly with my daughter, so she will know in the deepest core of her being that she is loved unconditionally not just by her mother, who is still being molded herself, but also by the potter, the creator of ALL heavens and earth! The journey begins to discovering who Sky truly is, who she is created to be and not who I think she should be. 

But now, O LORD, you are our father; we are the clay, and you our potter; and we all are the work of your hand.

Isaiah 64:8

 

A mother's virtue

My son heard the groaning hufffff come from the kitchen, he responds "mom whats wrong"? 

"Nothing son, Why"? 

 "What was that noise you made, the hufffff sound"? 

It was then I realized, I am at a pivotal point in parenting. It matters more WHAT and HOW I do things, then what I say. I have heard the saying: kids see what you do, not what you say BUT to truly experience that development in your role as parent, change from just meeting a child's basic needs to EVERYTHING matters; your movements, your sighs, your expressions, your responses, your decision making, your appearance and on and on it goes, is a new level of awareness for me. 

 They see, they hear, they notice, they REPEAT! 

I started to wonder what do they REALLY see and hear in me? I have shown the best and worst side of myself. I have experienced a rainbow of emotions in front of them crying, laughing, anger, passivity to aggressiveness and independence to fear and loneliness. My greatest fear is the deep rooted sadness that plagues my soul, will manifest itself and penetrate them in a way that they begin to emulate my internal responses and the boiling rage that seizes my veins will spoil the joy that should be in its place.

 
Can the high pitched "Good Morning sweet loves" as they walk into my room mask the feeling of inadequacy that seep through my wrinkles. I immediately begin to pray the minute I open my eyes, "Lord Grant me the strength today to have a mothers virtue, to withhold the darts I want to toss with my words and expressions, to engage in the pettiness of child's play and to clean up the same mess over and over without huffing". These small things will be my greatest regrets if not well attended to now.

I love you son! I wish I could take the heaviness of this life and the burdens that I carry away from you, but you too will have your own struggles in-spite of my best efforts. Praying God wins more than any other desire that tries to take a hold of you. May I guide and teach you, until my last breath, the truest fulfillment of the soul!

I have fought a good fight, I have finished the the race. I have kept the faith. 

 2 Timothy 4:7

Character Training 101

As human beings we all have character flaws. Some flaws we are born with, (part of our DNA), others we acquire with time and experiences. As a parent what tools can or do we use when we notice a character flaw in our child. Having a daughter with Asperger's takes parenting to a new level because the supposedly flaws are not part of having bad character but part of not knowing or the ability to understand BUT for my son..... however, when flaws show up it is a character issue that needs some TLC.  

That moment when we see the dishonesty, the selfish, the prideful, the angry or the entitlement monster rear it ugly head from the face of our precious child shows us that,  a child's response shows the condition of the heart. How can a mother change the course of action in parenting, that penetrates to the core being of who they will become as adults? 

If we discipline the action but don't address the spirit who will the child be when no one is around? If we accomplish a response of "yes Mama", does it guarantee they become polite adults? If the goal is to just change the action, will they be able to apply appropriate life skills to tough situations? The days are coming when the pressure will mount and the core values of character will be challenged.

I asked my son to please go get his friend a drink out of the frig and his response was, with a smirk and sassy tone "I am not his slave". I responded "No your not, but he is a guest, so what do you think would be a great way to show your friend that he has value and you appreciate him coming over to play with you"?  The lack of response was enough of a response for me to realize that I have a very small window of time, not to force or demand but to guide and direct my son into having a servants heart. A man that takes honor and pride in serving others not being served.  I suddenly remembered a verse my mom would quite often quote growing up, or course then it was like a tornado siren to my ear but now it is sunshine to my rain.  

 Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6 

I acknowledge that this is taken out of a passage that is meant for us to study as a whole, but for starters I am using this as the first building block to my sons training course in Character Training 101.

 

Let the training begin! NO better place to start then being thankful, grateful & overwhelmed with gladness for what we have been given. Think about what makes you thankful...... when you have lost something you cherished or had to learn to do things a little different because the easy way had been lost or unavailable.  I have found myself extremely grateful when I realized that what I had could be gone in a instant.

Finding constructive ways to open my son eyes to the comforts that he has been given and allowing him to see that he has taken for granted the resources that may not always be there. Loving him enough to start showing him what we all chance to lose without a perspective of humility, so..... not if he experiences loss in life but when he does, he can find his way back to humanity with our grateful spirit in tact. Like the song Amazing Grace "I was lost but now I am found, I was blind but now I see".  Opening his eyes to the reality that life is a blink and EVERY decision counts.

The first step for me as teacher, is to do my own heart check-He cannot learn what is not seen and lived out in me. May this day and everyday after be a day that he sees humility and servant hood in me. For there has been NO greater joy in my life then to have given away my very soul but to have received back ten folds the blessings. 

 

Sibling Passivity

Is he sitting there non responsive because she (being his sister) is always screaming or because he is a quiet & content child?  Does he look away from her when she is aggressive because he is scared or sad? Does he hide in quiet corners away from the darting arrows of her tempted responses because he is mad? Does he love her no matter what she has done and is capable of doing? How does my inappropriate responses affect his image of me as his caretaker? How does a sibling navigate through the storms of his life without making waves? 


My daily search is, for ways to help him have a "NORMAL" childhood, dashing in to keep him safe from the contagious aggression that plagues his sister. He has a sensitive spirit that is being molded and I wander into deep thought about the way he is impacted and how does the world look from behind those big blue eyes.


 
My repeated fear is my unconscious neglect of his emotional needs as I try to orchestrate the environment so my daughter is thriving. The balance of time is tilted in the favor of the special needs child, so the sibling gets left behind which leaves scars of a different kind. The price gets paid, but who pays it? At the end of my race will I look back and find regrets leaning toward his soul or will I be content with the price I paid for the loves of my life? I must continue to look toward his direction to search for his non spoken needs and be there for that silent cry of attention.  My open heart bleeds out prayers that his passivity toward her be out of LOVE for her needs and not a way of coping. May he find JOY in the midst of daily chaos. May he find his own light to be a beckon beyond the darkness of his life behind closed doors. 

   Kendyl you have a brilliant zest for life and a vibrant, easy going, fun loving personality that

lights up my every day!!! 

  I love you Son. Thank you for loving Skyler and being a brother that protects and cherishes her.  

The Sacrifice

I had my arms stretched out in a T with my head facing the sun, eyes closed and tears rolling down my cheek, as I cried out  "God help my baby girl"!

She had a long week of anxiety and raging fits that scared me. Her mood swings had become unpredictable and so frequent that the rest of us were on edge waiting for an explosion at any moment.

I paused in my pleading, to realize at that moment, I had never understood at this level before the condition of Christ's heart when he hung on the cross for US. He cried out to God to save US, he said "for they know not what they do". We are his children and he pleaded to his father to help us, as I was in that moment pleading that God would help her.  

"Lord,

 Please take from me whatever she needs to be whole, I will sacrifice anything I have to give her a better chance at life. God please protect my son's spirit from the verbal daggers & emotional neglect that is his cross to bear. Give us peace about the way we nurture and guide her and patient to endure the treacherous moments of instability. May we embark on the rocky ground with tenacity, filled with applicable teaching moments and grounded in truth and faith. 

Your weary but faithful & willing servant

Donna

Till Death Do US Part- A Heart Change

DANGER: is right.....putting two selfish, control freaks together is Danger with a capital D.





 

Till Death Do u Part!

Does anyone even use this saying anymore? Does anyone really know how hard that will be when they say it? Does anyone really mean it when they say it? I can not answer for anyone else but I can tell you that for me, the saying has increased in value over the course of the last 13 years of marriage.

Observing who you are becoming when your bound to another person, for a considerable amount of time, could be frightening to some and refreshing to others.

How do you grow stronger together when everything about who you are is changing? The wrinkles are by far the least important of these changes!!!!

The way you experience life on all levels is evolving and the path of maturity may lead you in opposite directions.  


One of my favorite verses to cling to, is a section of Romans 5.

• "we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts. 

Think about that for a moment, suffering can cause one of two things within our hearts, perseverance or bitterness. The profound truth is, it is OUR choice which one will happen. Suffering has long been part of any relationship, siblings, mother-child, spouse, friends or family member and within the thread of each relationship are moments of suffering.









Pictures only show smiling faces and supposedly HAPPY people but the truth behind closed doors is sleepless nights, the name calling, the walking out, the lieing, cheating and debilitating glares, the backwards parenting, the upside down finances, and the revolving door of stress. The suffering can break you down, pull the life out from under your feet, stab the knife in your back and bring you flat down on your face. What you do when you get there, is what makes the heart grow fonder or farther!

Nothing but Grace has stitched this hardened heart back together and the scars of life have been etched on this aging heart with such tenacity that it could stop beating at any moment. The once happy ever after smile now covered in duck tape and a couple staples has built character and character, hope.


I write with the greatest expression of LOVE this Valentines Day, that your heart may be filled with perseverance and with perseverance, character and HOPE!