Thanksgiving Day 2008-Journal Entry

Happy Thanksgiving Baby Girl! So many things in my life to be thankful for, YOU for starters.  I am grateful for how hard you are working on learning how to react. 

This motherhood thing is REALLY hard for me too and together we can help each other. I feel like such a failure sometimes but in my weakness I look up, and I pray I can teach you the same.  

I am so proud of you.   

Mommy

If you would of told me before I had kids, that I would be the mother of a   beautiful three year old girl that had to take a pill every day to function, I would of thought you crazy. 

Having a Mental Health Doctor was not on my list of things I wanted to add to my life.  Being a survivor of depression and abuse I was proud of the fact that I never had to get "therapy".  

I did not put much thought into therapy or getting help, I only thought about survival.  Pulling up my boot straps and moving on.

BUT... Just surviving was not enough when it came to my daughter. I believed that medication would not be long term and I had control concerning how long we would use medication as an aid to help us.  

October 29, 2008

Skyler,

One week home and still going strong Baby Girl! You had a speech evaluation done today, which taught us that you have some expression delays. It is hard for you to express yourself, which makes you very frustrated. So... we are going to take you to speech every week and help you get back on track. Learning about you is so interesting.   I am continuing to keep my eyes on Christ because he promises he will fight my battles for me if I will let him.

Love,

Mommy

Discovering my daughters strength and weaknesses is one of the most amazing things to me about motherhood. 

Learning that my daughter comprehended at a 5 year old level but could only express herself like a 2 year old helped make sense of the situation we were in. It gave us an understanding of what she had been going through too.

We were excited about getting some tools to help her and discovering new ways to parent. We felt hopeful for the first time in along time!

October 22, 2008-Journal Entry

 There are moments we have all experienced that still give us goose bumps when we think back. They are so powerful that just recalling the situation stimulates the internal feeling like it was yesterday. This is how I feel right now writing this. My palms are sweaty, my heart is racing and my mind is flooded with several different emotions.

Skyler started getting dark circles under your eyes I thought maybe you were not sleeping, you always looked tired but slept 12-14 hours a night

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My Love,

You have just completed a two week out patient treatment program. It has helped all of us change some bad patterns in our routine. It is truly amazing how much calmer you are and how peaceful our household is. 

We have a had a great time learning how to adapt to your needs. God has given us another chance and I can only pray we learn to trust and rely on him more. You are so special and so loved. My heart rejoices when I see you smile.

Love

Mom

I remember this was the first time I could get Skyler to sit touching her brother and I wanted to see her smile to show a sign of happiness or comfort but was not successful.

We had been advised by two doctors to place our daughter in a treatment program to help us manage her behavior, get some answers and direction for further treatment.  Reluctant and scared I agreed. 

Monday am I had to get both kids up early to make my way to the hospital where my family would sit with a team of doctors and tell our story to see if collectively they could help. I did not last 10 minutes before I was sobbing like a baby. Barely able to speak, I tried to tell the table full of doctors what had been going on for the past year but I was so overwhelmed with sadness, quilt and fear that I was not making much sense. 


The assistance came to get my daughter, Skyler, to take her to the room where she would be spending everyday from 8am to 3pm for two weeks. They tried the gentle approach with sweet voices and bribery but Skyler would not go.  When they starting insisting that she go with them she had a MAJOR MELTDOWN. Suddenly my daughter (who mind you is 3yrs old) was being held down on the ground by three grown adults as she violently kicked and screamed. I will never forget her eyes in that moment as she looked up at me, it was if her eyes were hollow.  No reflection, no sorrow, no pain, no fear just anger and confusion. 

I sat and watched and when they finally removed her from my presence, I could no longer even mumble a sound.   I could only think about my daughter that was now in a small holding room with carpet on the walls and nothing else. I could hear her, even though I was down the hall, screaming "get me out of here right now". She fought a good fight until she finally fell asleep on the floor and stayed there for the rest of the day. 

Let me express how much anger I had going into the elevator leaving my daughter in that place. I told my husband that when I came back to get her that day I would NOT be bringing her back, that I could NOT do that to her.  

October 3, 2008-Journal Entry

Sky Sky,

Oh darlin my heart has been so heavily burdenend by what is going on with you these past two weeks. You have continued with these raging fits, hitting mommy, biting and pulling my hair. So aggressive, so scary! You are struggling to just get dressed in the morning. You sleep till 10am and have started talking with this deep voice. 

Your father took the weekend off after it took 4 hours to calm you down last night.  We eventually had to give you some medication to calm you down. I never in my wildest dreams would imagine that I would have to give my 4 yr old daughter medication, but we do celebrate that they are available to help.

I have flooded my mind with quilt trying to figure out the why's and what's.  I ask myself what have I learned through all this and I keep coming back to we may never know the why's and what's, we just have to believe that God has a plan. I know God loves you and is protecting you.

Your daddy has been by your side praying and taking very good care of you.  He woke up early to go sleep in your bed so you would see him when you woke up. He has been really concerned. He loves you so very much sweet girl. 

We have more test scheduled this week and I pray for answers. 

Love,

Mom

Guilt had kept me from seeing God's hand of grace in our lives. 

To hear her laugh in the other room, go upstairs by herself, give a unsolicited hug, show empathy for hurting others or just sit and talk to me are the moments I would of taken for granted if I had my son first. I would not of seen any of the small things as a gift. A very precious gift.

As a mom I started learning about the little things that would help my daughter be the best she could, as we all have to do in life. What were the areas I needed to change to help her survive this cruel, unforgiving, judgmental world. 

Sept 1, 2008-Journal Entry

 Little miss thang,

We have had some rocky roads to cross lately. I feel totally lost in how to handle your tantrums. I am struggling with quilt that I am not doing something right to help you. 

Your dad and I are being more consistent and we have been getting some professional counseling and pray the Lord will direct us so we will have the patience to make good disciplining decisions. 

Mommy is working on controlling her anger. I get so scared that I am going to hurt you and I cry out to God that he will work in me and help me have control and calm me down when dealing with your outburst. 

We had a small party at the pool tonight. You are really an amazing swimmer. The water seems to calm you!  You have even started to open up to others a little bit, giving hugs and saying hello. 

I am so proud of you and next week you start back at Mother's Day Out.  I will miss you. 

Love, 

Mom

 

I found myself in a state of rage so many  nights and hiding in the closet until I calmed down so I would not hurt my daughter. I felt so out of control.  She would run through the house screaming no, knocking over anything in her path, kicking and screaming, biting and pulling my hair. The only time things were calm were when she was sleeping. I would sit by her bed and stare at this sweeeeet face and wonder how, why, what was wrong.I would cry myself to sleep just hoping the next day would provide some answers. 

I felt like I had already done as much as I knew to do to help her. Cleaned out her closet to all cotton, cleaned out her room so she only had a couple choices to make play decisions easier for her,  limited stimulation to one hour a day, bed time was at 7pm every night, cut back on work to have more quality time and watched her diet. 

My husband and I did disciplining charts, point system, bribery, anything and everything we could to try to get this situation under control. We became very frustrated and worried about the future for her and my son. 

Animals are Skyler's Best Friends

July 2008-Journal Entry

When the affliction ends I hope to be to become a person of greater stability, of deeper quality, of stronger character.
Chuck Swindoll

 Skyler, 


I feel like I have failed you as a mother. You have been throwing these raging, kicking, spitting fits several times a day. Very Scary! It is breaking my heart to watch you get so upset. People say it is a stage, I pray God calms my spirit as we survive this STAGE together. 


I took you ice skating tonight.  We had the best time-you did really well and once you started getting confident you would say " I don't need you". I am sure this is not the only time those words will come out of your mouth. 


So independent... my  amazing daughter,


Love,
Mom

My daughter was not in a Stage she was unable to communicate and her fits progressed out of control until our family was torn apart. She would have 2-5 fits a day sometimes lasting hours. She was verbally and physically aggressive. Life became so unmanageable I uttered these words to the doctor, " I can not care for this child". 


I have learned that a broken and contrite heart is not the end, but the beginning. Bruised and crushed by the blows of disappointment and unrealized dreams, I have discovered that God has never left my side.

April 2008-Journal Entry

As moms we can all remember back to the major mommy mistakes we have made and some we may continue to make. My major mommy mistake #2 almost caused my daughter her life.

Skyler,

Mommy gave you cashews by accident today, and since you did not have an immediate reaction, we left the house to go to the mall. I was very irresponsible to leave the house without your EPI-Pen or Benedryl. The doctor told us you were allergic to cashews but that it is possible for kids to grow out of it so when your lips turned a little red but no other symptoms I assumed this is what the doctor must have been talking about. 

Within 30 minutes of walking around the mall your stomach began to cramp, and you were unable to stand upright. By the time we returned to the car you  went unconscious. This was so scary! Mommy had to slap you a couple times to get you to stay with us. 

Mommy was frantically screaming your name all the way to the emergency room. You still, quiet, lifeless body made me stop and realize what a precious gift you are.

God was slapping me at the same time waking me up. I prayed that God will continue to protect you and his angels will surround you. 

I am so sorry sweet girl. I love you

Mommy

 

A mothers heart will break a dozen times and it hurts all the more when it is your lack of judgment and poor decision making that causes the heart break. Sitting in the hospital with her as she opened her eyes with such a sweet smile, I begged her to forgive me and she says quietly "It's OK Mommy".  

This is not the first mistake, it is not the last mistake and it is definitely not the only time I will have to ask my daughter to forgive me but hopefully as we forgive each other we are reminded of how much we ALL have been forgiven.