There are moments we have all experienced that still give us goose bumps when we think back. They are so powerful that just recalling the situation stimulates the internal feeling like it was yesterday. This is how I feel right now writing this. My palms are sweaty, my heart is racing and my mind is flooded with several different emotions.
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| Skyler started getting dark circles under your eyes I thought maybe you were not sleeping, you always looked tired but slept 12-14 hours a night |
My Love,
You have just completed a two week out patient treatment program. It has helped all of us change some bad patterns in our routine. It is truly amazing how much calmer you are and how peaceful our household is.
We have a had a great time learning how to adapt to your needs. God has given us another chance and I can only pray we learn to trust and rely on him more. You are so special and so loved. My heart rejoices when I see you smile.
Love
Mom
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| I remember this was the first time I could get Skyler to sit touching her brother and I wanted to see her smile to show a sign of happiness or comfort but was not successful. |
We had been advised by two doctors to place our daughter in a treatment program to help us manage her behavior, get some answers and direction for further treatment. Reluctant and scared I agreed.
Monday am I had to get both kids up early to make my way to the hospital where my family would sit with a team of doctors and tell our story to see if collectively they could help. I did not last 10 minutes before I was sobbing like a baby. Barely able to speak, I tried to tell the table full of doctors what had been going on for the past year but I was so overwhelmed with sadness, quilt and fear that I was not making much sense.
The assistance came to get my daughter, Skyler, to take her to the room where she would be spending everyday from 8am to 3pm for two weeks. They tried the gentle approach with sweet voices and bribery but Skyler would not go. When they starting insisting that she go with them she had a MAJOR MELTDOWN. Suddenly my daughter (who mind you is 3yrs old) was being held down on the ground by three grown adults as she violently kicked and screamed. I will never forget her eyes in that moment as she looked up at me, it was if her eyes were hollow. No reflection, no sorrow, no pain, no fear just anger and confusion.
I sat and watched and when they finally removed her from my presence, I could no longer even mumble a sound. I could only think about my daughter that was now in a small holding room with carpet on the walls and nothing else. I could hear her, even though I was down the hall, screaming "get me out of here right now". She fought a good fight until she finally fell asleep on the floor and stayed there for the rest of the day.
Let me express how much anger I had going into the elevator leaving my daughter in that place. I told my husband that when I came back to get her that day I would NOT be bringing her back, that I could NOT do that to her.
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