October 22, 2008-Journal Entry

 There are moments we have all experienced that still give us goose bumps when we think back. They are so powerful that just recalling the situation stimulates the internal feeling like it was yesterday. This is how I feel right now writing this. My palms are sweaty, my heart is racing and my mind is flooded with several different emotions.

Skyler started getting dark circles under your eyes I thought maybe you were not sleeping, you always looked tired but slept 12-14 hours a night

....................................................................................................



My Love,

You have just completed a two week out patient treatment program. It has helped all of us change some bad patterns in our routine. It is truly amazing how much calmer you are and how peaceful our household is. 

We have a had a great time learning how to adapt to your needs. God has given us another chance and I can only pray we learn to trust and rely on him more. You are so special and so loved. My heart rejoices when I see you smile.

Love

Mom

I remember this was the first time I could get Skyler to sit touching her brother and I wanted to see her smile to show a sign of happiness or comfort but was not successful.

We had been advised by two doctors to place our daughter in a treatment program to help us manage her behavior, get some answers and direction for further treatment.  Reluctant and scared I agreed. 

Monday am I had to get both kids up early to make my way to the hospital where my family would sit with a team of doctors and tell our story to see if collectively they could help. I did not last 10 minutes before I was sobbing like a baby. Barely able to speak, I tried to tell the table full of doctors what had been going on for the past year but I was so overwhelmed with sadness, quilt and fear that I was not making much sense. 


The assistance came to get my daughter, Skyler, to take her to the room where she would be spending everyday from 8am to 3pm for two weeks. They tried the gentle approach with sweet voices and bribery but Skyler would not go.  When they starting insisting that she go with them she had a MAJOR MELTDOWN. Suddenly my daughter (who mind you is 3yrs old) was being held down on the ground by three grown adults as she violently kicked and screamed. I will never forget her eyes in that moment as she looked up at me, it was if her eyes were hollow.  No reflection, no sorrow, no pain, no fear just anger and confusion. 

I sat and watched and when they finally removed her from my presence, I could no longer even mumble a sound.   I could only think about my daughter that was now in a small holding room with carpet on the walls and nothing else. I could hear her, even though I was down the hall, screaming "get me out of here right now". She fought a good fight until she finally fell asleep on the floor and stayed there for the rest of the day. 

Let me express how much anger I had going into the elevator leaving my daughter in that place. I told my husband that when I came back to get her that day I would NOT be bringing her back, that I could NOT do that to her.  

October 3, 2008-Journal Entry

Sky Sky,

Oh darlin my heart has been so heavily burdenend by what is going on with you these past two weeks. You have continued with these raging fits, hitting mommy, biting and pulling my hair. So aggressive, so scary! You are struggling to just get dressed in the morning. You sleep till 10am and have started talking with this deep voice. 

Your father took the weekend off after it took 4 hours to calm you down last night.  We eventually had to give you some medication to calm you down. I never in my wildest dreams would imagine that I would have to give my 4 yr old daughter medication, but we do celebrate that they are available to help.

I have flooded my mind with quilt trying to figure out the why's and what's.  I ask myself what have I learned through all this and I keep coming back to we may never know the why's and what's, we just have to believe that God has a plan. I know God loves you and is protecting you.

Your daddy has been by your side praying and taking very good care of you.  He woke up early to go sleep in your bed so you would see him when you woke up. He has been really concerned. He loves you so very much sweet girl. 

We have more test scheduled this week and I pray for answers. 

Love,

Mom

Guilt had kept me from seeing God's hand of grace in our lives. 

To hear her laugh in the other room, go upstairs by herself, give a unsolicited hug, show empathy for hurting others or just sit and talk to me are the moments I would of taken for granted if I had my son first. I would not of seen any of the small things as a gift. A very precious gift.

As a mom I started learning about the little things that would help my daughter be the best she could, as we all have to do in life. What were the areas I needed to change to help her survive this cruel, unforgiving, judgmental world. 

Sept 1, 2008-Journal Entry

 Little miss thang,

We have had some rocky roads to cross lately. I feel totally lost in how to handle your tantrums. I am struggling with quilt that I am not doing something right to help you. 

Your dad and I are being more consistent and we have been getting some professional counseling and pray the Lord will direct us so we will have the patience to make good disciplining decisions. 

Mommy is working on controlling her anger. I get so scared that I am going to hurt you and I cry out to God that he will work in me and help me have control and calm me down when dealing with your outburst. 

We had a small party at the pool tonight. You are really an amazing swimmer. The water seems to calm you!  You have even started to open up to others a little bit, giving hugs and saying hello. 

I am so proud of you and next week you start back at Mother's Day Out.  I will miss you. 

Love, 

Mom

 

I found myself in a state of rage so many  nights and hiding in the closet until I calmed down so I would not hurt my daughter. I felt so out of control.  She would run through the house screaming no, knocking over anything in her path, kicking and screaming, biting and pulling my hair. The only time things were calm were when she was sleeping. I would sit by her bed and stare at this sweeeeet face and wonder how, why, what was wrong.I would cry myself to sleep just hoping the next day would provide some answers. 

I felt like I had already done as much as I knew to do to help her. Cleaned out her closet to all cotton, cleaned out her room so she only had a couple choices to make play decisions easier for her,  limited stimulation to one hour a day, bed time was at 7pm every night, cut back on work to have more quality time and watched her diet. 

My husband and I did disciplining charts, point system, bribery, anything and everything we could to try to get this situation under control. We became very frustrated and worried about the future for her and my son. 

Animals are Skyler's Best Friends

July 2008-Journal Entry

When the affliction ends I hope to be to become a person of greater stability, of deeper quality, of stronger character.
Chuck Swindoll

 Skyler, 


I feel like I have failed you as a mother. You have been throwing these raging, kicking, spitting fits several times a day. Very Scary! It is breaking my heart to watch you get so upset. People say it is a stage, I pray God calms my spirit as we survive this STAGE together. 


I took you ice skating tonight.  We had the best time-you did really well and once you started getting confident you would say " I don't need you". I am sure this is not the only time those words will come out of your mouth. 


So independent... my  amazing daughter,


Love,
Mom

My daughter was not in a Stage she was unable to communicate and her fits progressed out of control until our family was torn apart. She would have 2-5 fits a day sometimes lasting hours. She was verbally and physically aggressive. Life became so unmanageable I uttered these words to the doctor, " I can not care for this child". 


I have learned that a broken and contrite heart is not the end, but the beginning. Bruised and crushed by the blows of disappointment and unrealized dreams, I have discovered that God has never left my side.

April 2008-Journal Entry

As moms we can all remember back to the major mommy mistakes we have made and some we may continue to make. My major mommy mistake #2 almost caused my daughter her life.

Skyler,

Mommy gave you cashews by accident today, and since you did not have an immediate reaction, we left the house to go to the mall. I was very irresponsible to leave the house without your EPI-Pen or Benedryl. The doctor told us you were allergic to cashews but that it is possible for kids to grow out of it so when your lips turned a little red but no other symptoms I assumed this is what the doctor must have been talking about. 

Within 30 minutes of walking around the mall your stomach began to cramp, and you were unable to stand upright. By the time we returned to the car you  went unconscious. This was so scary! Mommy had to slap you a couple times to get you to stay with us. 

Mommy was frantically screaming your name all the way to the emergency room. You still, quiet, lifeless body made me stop and realize what a precious gift you are.

God was slapping me at the same time waking me up. I prayed that God will continue to protect you and his angels will surround you. 

I am so sorry sweet girl. I love you

Mommy

 

A mothers heart will break a dozen times and it hurts all the more when it is your lack of judgment and poor decision making that causes the heart break. Sitting in the hospital with her as she opened her eyes with such a sweet smile, I begged her to forgive me and she says quietly "It's OK Mommy".  

This is not the first mistake, it is not the last mistake and it is definitely not the only time I will have to ask my daughter to forgive me but hopefully as we forgive each other we are reminded of how much we ALL have been forgiven.  

March 2008-Journal Entry to my Daughter

Skyler,

Your my baby! That is our little saying-I love it when you get in one of your moods and I can hold you close. You able to talk to me a little now even though you do not say much. 

I have the monitor on right now listening to you sing yourself to sleep-"Jesus loves the little children" then right into "ABC's". 

You were laying on your bed tonight and rolled to your side propped up on one elbow and looking right at me like a big girl you said "When I get Big I will wear panties to bed" then you said after a pause "I'm not big yet".

When I looked over at you, I could not believe how old you looked. My little women!

How I pray God gives me the wisdom to teach and guide you. I am scared to death of this journey. 

I love you so much

Mommy

My daughter has never been the cuddly type. So when she offers a hug you take it. When others are hugging and she wants to part of the in group she allows herself to be hugged. Touch is uncomfortable to her as most parents of Aspergers kids know. 

We began like the typical parents when someone would say ooooh how sweet your daughter is so cute and want to pet her. We would say "SKYLER say hello" or give high five or a hug to this person and my sweet daughter would freeze and refuse to even make eye contact with the person. We even went as far as disciplining her when she would not acknowledge people because we thought she was being rude or disrespectful to others.  

I longed for the mother daughter closeness many of nights when she would pull away from me at bedtime and I would blame myself.  It was not until one night I pulled out some of my old therapy books and starting reading about sensory integration. It was one of my favorite topics in school and I had studied the brushing program and even had administered it. I started working on helping her process sensory input with sounds and touch. 

I was not sure at the time if any of it helped but I truly believe today when she runs to me as I walk int he door and jumps in my arms all that matters now is that I tried.

WHAT WE GUARD SHOWS WHAT WE VALUE

Ok let's talk about women's issues since I am a women and I have a daughter it seems only natural that I would have a tiny bit of insight into the women's brain, but this insight will also include years of working with women as well, being a foster parent and have an occupational therapy background.

I have been a trainer of health and wellness for 19 years and have seen and heard it ALL. The obsession with being skinny, wanting to eat but not eating, too much exercise, not enough exercise, how to dress, what to wear what not to wear, loving our self, not loving our self......blah blah blah. 

Children learn more from what is caught then what is taught so what message are our daughters getting? What message are we giving our sons about women?  Where do we start? 

We as women have learned the skill of modesty and manipulation from a very young age. We learn to cry or whine with that cute little smile when we want something or change a story to get our way. We find clever ways of manipulating the truth to get the situation to where we feel comfortable.

I taught a lecture about self esteem to a group of 7-11 yr old kids and the response I received from 80% of the class was- "well you can get it fixed if you don't like it, You could get your teeth bleached, your hair color changed, your face redone, your breasts bigger, your nails colored, your too short wear heels".  On and on it went until the only thing I could think to talk about to these kids that could NOT be changed was my shoe size. I left feeling like I had failed them by not being able to find a way to encourage self love without adaptations. Yes make-up, mani/pedis, coloring your hair is all fine and I do not think we harm of kids by taking care of ourselves because the same can be taught to our kids by not taking care of ourselves. I believe what we guard shows what we value. 

When the teen years approach we have our first battle with the lovely hormones and from that day on these fluctuating hormones will be our driving focus. They control us if we let them, they affect mode, sex drive, weight gain or loss and our ability to handle stress.

This is part of motherhood, teaching our sons and daughters about resilience in the face of adversity. With any child and especially a special needs child that may be on medication-hormones have a significant impact on the brain.  

The how, why and what of medication and hormones can be researched but for a starting spot let's teach a child how to handle change even when they feel out of control.

These issues addressed are coming from a teenage girl that lived in rage. Fighting in school, driving recklessly, I spent time in jail and I caused myself life long scares that only time can heal. If you add the basic needs of a child to any additional circumstances like emotional or physical abuse you have a BOMB inside. Together we can make a difference in educating ourselves and our kids about LIFE!  


Kids today, mother and fathers tomorrow and what they learn now they will teach then!

Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson

March 21,1994-My Personal Diary Notes

For the past couple days, I have been overwhelmed with my depression. I do not know exactly what it is that is getting to me but it is keeping me so down. I have been studying and staying home more, yet I long for closeness. I miss my family very much and have decided to visit them in May. I am so excited and can not wait to spend time with them. They are everything to me and I need them like crazy right now. I am so exhausted all the time, I did have a good workout and been working long days so maybe that is getting me down. I feel empty and distant from God. Why is my life so filled with questions? That is a question in a question? Help!

Over and Over it spins through my mind

The Laughter of defeat so loud in my head

It's the end, I can feel it!  Why is it here?

Em I dead or do I just wish to sleep.

Falling down down from the top of security 

as failure lurks in the dark.

A smile masking the pain inside

(The first thing that crossed my mind after reading this today was- I am glad I eventually went to college because I did not have very good writing skills, not that I am a English teacher now but at least it is a little better and sometimes makes sense.)

This diary entry is a true sign of what you see is not what you get, Or what you see is not what it seems. Physical Challenges others see directly whereas emotional challenges are hidden and often times we stuff them inside!

We all push away thoughts everyday? Thoughts of body image, more money, a better partner, suicide, eating, not eating, fear, anger whatever it is those thoughts creep into our mind and we have to fight to keep them out.

The daily struggle for me is fleeing, fleeing from life running away to a quiet place with no pain. We can use many different coping skills to accomplish this goal, alcohol, drugs, physically leaving, day dreaming, suicide, affairs, over working and the list goes on and on. Unfortunately most of the coping mechanism are destructive and non satisfying. These coping mechanisms require more and more to feed the fire and keep the destrcutive pattern alive. 

My life progressed out of control living on the beach, partying, men, alcohol, suicidal thoughts and drugs."Looking for love in all the wrong places" was my theme song! The saving grace in the midst of nothingness was my family, Christ, school and work. Even though over-working is a coping skill I know quite well, to be busy helps to clear the dark clouds.

I had an incredible work ethic, a foundation of faith and a supportive family, but I continued trying to be something I was not. I took speech classes and entering into pageants and fitness shows because I was blessed with a dynamic personality and a heart to serve.  So.. that is what I thought I should do, be in front of people and serve others but I was scared to death to be  THE spokesperson.  I followed the wrong road with the talents I had and it always made me sick sometimes passing out in front of people and at times I would freeze unable to complete a show or speech.  One of the funniest memories I have was passing out on stage as I tried my acting skills in a show and as I skirted out on stage I went down like a ton of bricks. 

I thought these things would help my self esteem, would help me believe in myself and cover up the battle in my head. 

The journey of self discovery is so valuable as a mother because my son and daughter are learning about the special gifts they have been given and I hope my process of discovery will help them use those gifts wisely.

   

December 26, 1993-My Personal Diary Notes

I had the best Christmas, I can not begin to explain how magnificent my family has been. They drove into Florida Christmas Eve and  
I have done nothing but laugh, talk and cry happy tears. Christmas Day was absolutely incredible, like sunshine after days of cold rain. I had breakfast at Denny's       (this made me sick reading this today who eats at Denny's anymore GROSS!),
Then met at grandmas, opened presents, played two board games, roller bladed, ate dinner then my Uncle and his family came down.
We all told stories and laughed more. It was a day I will never forget!  With my family here I can feel the bond between all of us grow. My sister stayed the night with me tonight and we had a long talk about growing up, sex, boys, love and being loved. I appreciate her so much and hope I can make a difference in her life. My family is the best!

My Patient Parents

My Mom, my angel, my friend, my protector, my teacher!

The thought of giving my younger sister advice is very scary. I had no business giving advice when my insides were falling apart, filled with resentment, suicidal thoughts and hopelessness.
I have to say that the family support I have had all my life, is one of the main reasons I am here today. I tried so hard to run far away from all I knew to be right and good. I was so determined to be different yet normal, fearless yet crippled with anxiety.  
The reminder of my past makes it hard to find comfort in my ability to raise kids but also makes me realize that my worldly insight may help them find a path with less pain.  

Anyone who harbors grudges, bitter feelings toward another, will be turned over to torturous thoughts, feelings of misery, and agonizing unrest within.

Oct 5, 1993- My Personal Diary Notes

I was married at 18 divorced at 21 and....

 Lord,

This is suppose to be the beginning of a new life, so why don't I feel good? Freedom is not all it's cracked up to be. I am glad to have space to be myself. I have enjoyed getting to know myself! If I could let go of my fears.

Em I selfish? or is it fear of losing that I hold back. I need to make a decision to develop new morals and values and to live life to it's fullest. Be a good person and keep smiling. 

My divorce papers came today and boy does that hurt. I am a statistic! Urge!!! Why couldn't I have been a better, more honest wife? Why couldn't I have made him happy? Why? Why?Why?-Help! Sometimes severe depression overloads me.

God help me to live with the choices I have made. What the hell am I doing here? Feelings are such a passing thing, how can anyone live by such a wishy washy thing. I want to live my life not by feeling but by truth. Man I am pretty lonely all I have to go home to is Chemistry. Maybe I will go out! Who knows who cares?

It is amazing what 10 plus years will do to a a person-You grow up or grow bitter. I hope and pray I am growing up!  Reading this in 2011,  I have to reflect on fact that my life took a tail spin downhill in the next couple years but it eventually brought me here.  Moving out of Daytona Beach to Ocala then to Gainesville Fl. was a part of God's greater plan for the life I now lead in Dallas, TX. and reading how Christ used everyone in my life to get me here is so outstanding.  I thought about a statement I made on that day that I wanted to be a GOOD person and how that is such a false perception for so many of us have. What exactly is a GOOD person?

Trust me living on the beach was breathtaking. Starting my day at with a run by the water, then taking my shoes off and diving in the ocean, walking home and getting ready for work were some of the best times of my life BUT I knew after moving from home to home, working in the mall and attending a Community College just living for the next thrill was NOT my future, I had to get out of Daytona Beach. Where, how , what, Help!