March 21,1994-My Personal Diary Notes

For the past couple days, I have been overwhelmed with my depression. I do not know exactly what it is that is getting to me but it is keeping me so down. I have been studying and staying home more, yet I long for closeness. I miss my family very much and have decided to visit them in May. I am so excited and can not wait to spend time with them. They are everything to me and I need them like crazy right now. I am so exhausted all the time, I did have a good workout and been working long days so maybe that is getting me down. I feel empty and distant from God. Why is my life so filled with questions? That is a question in a question? Help!

Over and Over it spins through my mind

The Laughter of defeat so loud in my head

It's the end, I can feel it!  Why is it here?

Em I dead or do I just wish to sleep.

Falling down down from the top of security 

as failure lurks in the dark.

A smile masking the pain inside

(The first thing that crossed my mind after reading this today was- I am glad I eventually went to college because I did not have very good writing skills, not that I am a English teacher now but at least it is a little better and sometimes makes sense.)

This diary entry is a true sign of what you see is not what you get, Or what you see is not what it seems. Physical Challenges others see directly whereas emotional challenges are hidden and often times we stuff them inside!

We all push away thoughts everyday? Thoughts of body image, more money, a better partner, suicide, eating, not eating, fear, anger whatever it is those thoughts creep into our mind and we have to fight to keep them out.

The daily struggle for me is fleeing, fleeing from life running away to a quiet place with no pain. We can use many different coping skills to accomplish this goal, alcohol, drugs, physically leaving, day dreaming, suicide, affairs, over working and the list goes on and on. Unfortunately most of the coping mechanism are destructive and non satisfying. These coping mechanisms require more and more to feed the fire and keep the destrcutive pattern alive. 

My life progressed out of control living on the beach, partying, men, alcohol, suicidal thoughts and drugs."Looking for love in all the wrong places" was my theme song! The saving grace in the midst of nothingness was my family, Christ, school and work. Even though over-working is a coping skill I know quite well, to be busy helps to clear the dark clouds.

I had an incredible work ethic, a foundation of faith and a supportive family, but I continued trying to be something I was not. I took speech classes and entering into pageants and fitness shows because I was blessed with a dynamic personality and a heart to serve.  So.. that is what I thought I should do, be in front of people and serve others but I was scared to death to be  THE spokesperson.  I followed the wrong road with the talents I had and it always made me sick sometimes passing out in front of people and at times I would freeze unable to complete a show or speech.  One of the funniest memories I have was passing out on stage as I tried my acting skills in a show and as I skirted out on stage I went down like a ton of bricks. 

I thought these things would help my self esteem, would help me believe in myself and cover up the battle in my head. 

The journey of self discovery is so valuable as a mother because my son and daughter are learning about the special gifts they have been given and I hope my process of discovery will help them use those gifts wisely.