A Personal Look

I have spent my entire life NOT listening to other people and NOT asking for help, BUT it only affected me most of the time. When it comes to my decisions affecting my kids I had to stop, listen and admit I needed help. 

I was what you would call a "rebel without a cause".  I put my parents through many sleeplessness nights. Fighting in high school, drinking in college and running the streets of Daytona Beach kept me pretty busy for the first part of my life. Nothing I am proud of that is for sure.

1995

Surviving physical, mental and sexual abuse in my lifetime there is not much anyone can say to me that would be shocking. I spent three years being a foster parent living with kids that had experienced more chaos and sadness then most of us could ever understand. These experiences change people they grow up, they grow angry or they give up.  The stories I hope to share will include growing up, getting angry and giving up.



It is time to open up the journal that I keep my Letters to God in. Not the ones I write as a mother to her daughter that smoother the real issues and protect her from the whole truth.  No! I will have to get a little more personal if I want to keep the bragging rights of being a REAL person, a person that does not fear truth. These next couple journal entries will be from my diary. 
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Please Read without judging, cry without feeling sorry and laugh without embarrassment!

Christmas Day 2007-Journal Entry

Skyler,

   

   We had so much fun today. Your old enough to get excited about all the Christmas Cheer. Daddy bought you a fish that you named Diego, then we dressed up with all your new clothes and you helped mommy make a big dinner.

The new member of our family. A beta named Diego

   You and mommy had fun singing Happy Birthday to Jesus-your voice is so sweet and I love hearing you sing. Daddy spent the afternoon racking leaves then we all went outside, jumped in and played together. Kinda itchy but fun! You are amazing sweet girl. 

I love you,

Mommy 

The year was coming to an end but the battle had just begun! We had no idea what was ahead and not knowing is best so you can just be in that moment and rely on faith. Knowing the future would of stained the joy and the true celebration of something more important than us and our fears!

The Fisher family was a product of so many answered prayers already with our son Kendyl who had survived the first year of life with reflux, aspiration, eye and ear surgery. The helplessness turns into hope and we prayed for that hope in 2008

November 2007-Journal Entry

Skyler, 

You told me this week you wanted to be a "dogie doctor". That would be so great if you were a Vet! You love animals and today you made your brother and I walk all the way around the park to pet a dog. 

You are definitely going to a be wild one-like your momma I guess. I pray I can be for you what my mom was for me and that I can lead you in the right direction and that you will truly know God.  

I love you,

Mommy

The Holidays were right around the corner!  We knew the New Year would have to include some serious changes before our family fell apart.  The possibility of using medication to help manage the anxiety and anger was lurking. I began realizing I needed to change the way I managed my own reactions and how I related to my daughter.  Self discovery is painful but also very rewarding!

The Struggles of 2007 -Part 2 Continued

Skyler did not change, I did!

I am kneeling by a tree holding my son as I am watching my 3yrs old daughter run toward on coming traffic going 40 mph.  I see a man start chasing her with coffee in his hand. He realizes quickly that she is NOT stopping and he throws his coffee down and I hear him say "I am going to get her I am going to get her"  and I holler back "I do not care how you get her just get her " and before I finish my response he tackles her to the ground. She continues to kick and scream as he brings her to me and I feel completely paralyzed.  

I am so angry at her yet have this sense of sadness for what she is going through inside that would cause this.  Finally she is still and quiet and I put both kids in the car but the damage has been done. I can not move I am violently shaking and crying.  

I am so unsure of what to do I place a call to her pediatrician and he recommends to take her to the emergency room and they will place her in a psychiatric center for treatment. This is NOT an option for me, there has to be another way, another solution please Lord Please.........

The day ends with her calm and asleep in her bed and daddy crying by her side.  The thought of what could of happen if the angel in parking lot had not stopped her was so powerful that we had to make a decision about getting help. 

The Struggles of 2007 -Part 2

I thought sitting at the park on the curb waiting for someone to rescue me from my own daughter was something to write about but then Episode two changed my perspective on everything.

Going places with both kids by myself did not happen very often because Skyler became so unpredictable. "You can not live in a bubble" I told myself so I proceeded to take my chances and take my kids to the mall. I thought there are other people there I could get help if needed and maybe the distraction would be good for all of us. Patrick and I had started arguing over which one would have to care for Skyler and sadly neither of us wanted to be with her, mainly out of fear of the unknown and a lack of skills to handle her.

The mall that day was not crowded and soft music played. We enjoyed the waterfalls, indoor ducks and had a yummy snack. We did it I thought! No drama, no fits, no screaming, no outburst, I took a deep breath and started my journey to the exit.

The change in Skyler sometimes happens to quickly that you are unprepared in how to handle the situation. She started with the facial changes, the voice getting deeper then running off and finally the clothes started coming off.  All I could think was GOD HELP ME! She started running toward the door and I managed to get my son and we both quickly ran behind her. "If we can just make it to the car" my mind kept saying over and over. 

I will NEVER forget the moment my heart stopped beating. We had made it to the end of sidewalk and I could see the my car in front of me and my 3yr old daughter started running in a zig zag pattern out of control toward the main road with on coming traffic going about 40mph. I made a sudden irrational decision to ask my 1 1/2 yr old son to stand by the tree as I started chasing her crying and screaming loudly in a frantic voice SKYLER STOP SKYLER PLEASE STOP!  

Suddenly I realized that I had made the wrong decision and my sons life was in danger as well as my daughters and if anything happen to him I would blame her and myself. So I left my daughter in God's hands as she kept running toward traffic and I went back to my son and we held each other tight and prayed.

                             

                                                                                                                                        to be continued....

These are the precious moments as a mother you focus on and remember when things get tough

The Struggles of 2007 -Part 1

One of the most challenging times in motherhood for me so far has been the month that led up to my daughter being placed in 2 week out patient psychiatric facility in Oct 2008.  The month that led up to the decision were so stressful, so consuming, so scary, so overwhelming and so powerful that I will never be forget and it makes me grateful for the peaceful moments we now have. These next couple blog post will be about the year leading up to her placement. 

 

Sitting on the curb holding my one year old son as we both watched my Precious SkySky raging in the locked car is still so vivid in my mind. She had started to get agitated at the park and so I quickly tried to get both kids to the car before she became out of control. The 10 feet walk seemed like a mile as I could sense Skyler was upset about something but I had no idea what. I was able to get my son buckled up but as soon as I placed Skyler in the seat she started kicking Kendly's car seat and she flipped herself out of hers and began to scream violently and was so out on control that I had to quickly get  Kendyl out of the car.  Kendyl and I sat on the side of the curb waiting for Patrick (Skyler's daddy) to come to our rescue. I kept running through the events of the day trying to figure out what set her off. She slept 12 hours, had a good breakfast,  did not have any clothes on that itched, no one agitated her at the park, it was a great day. What happen? She seemed in pain and when she got this upset she was a different child. Her face was blank and emotionless, her voice so deep and harsh. She would spit all over everything including me and Kendyl. 

I had such an internal battle, part of me would say I can not let her treat us like this and try to discipline her because no one wants a bratty kid right! Then the other part of me, the mother instinct part said this is not right. She has had nothing but love- yes at times a very upset and angry mother and father and two parents desperately trying to gain control but overall her life was untainted and there was no real reason to be this out of control. I know kids rebel, throw fits and disobey. BUT this was more that just the typical outburst, I knew I had to get help before this little three old hurt herself.

How can you know that you have faith 

until your faith is exercised

Spurgeon

Aug 2007-Journal Entry

Sweetheart,

I just read back over my entire journal and all the emotions I felt when you were born are coming back to me.  I am overwhelmed with Joy! You are becoming a little women. Potty Trained--dressing yourself--calling me Donna--and trying to push all the limits. You are learning so much about life and I pray God prepares me to lead you to him. 

You have been asking me questions like " Did you get that at Whole Foods"  and it makes my heart skip a beat! Your brother is rough and tough and the two of you love to bump heads. I will hear "MINE" from across the house.
Kendyl more than likely took your toy and he thinks it is funny when you start screaming.

On the other hand at times I will hear you play together, giggling trying to communicate with each other and it is magnificent, a breath of fresh air, I love you so much!  

As you would say in that sweet voice,
Donna

I have to be honest as I wrote in my daughters journal I could not bare the thought of writing the absolute truth and explaining every circumstance to her in case there came a day she would read it and feel quilt or sadness for the things she could not control.


These month marked a significant change in my daughter.  She became so unpredictable and violent that we could not leave her alone with Kendyl for fear that she may physically hurt him.  It became challenging to keep clothes on her, she would take her clothes off in the car, at the mall, when she talked which was not very often she would talk in strange and deep voice. Her tantrums went from taking minutes to control to hours of screaming, throwing chairs and books, pulling things off the walls, taking all the things out of closet and piling it up in the middle of her room.  After multiple frantic calls to the doctor he finally said enough is enough. We ordered some test including sleep study, allergy, EEG and speech therapy.


What will we learn? How will I handle the news? What does God have in store for me?  Is she really sick? Is this normal? Maybe I just can't handle motherhood! Maybe it is me not her? I am so confused so scared but I know the Lord loves me and Skyler and will provide for my family no matter what we need. He is all knowing and already has her life mapped out so I need to wait and trust

 So many night of power walking crying out and singing Amazing Grace through the streets. Repeating in my head " He will keep me in perfect peace whose mind stays on thee"  I had peace in the midst of chaos and deep indescribable sadness.  I found a solid foundation to hold onto in the book 

My sons second eye and ear surgery approaching did not scare me, it was painful to see him in pain but his issues had a name and can be fixed.  I felt in control of his situation but not with the unknown it was lonely, dark and hard to process. I remember saying one night "Ok Lord so your telling me everyday I have to hold my son down and give him four breathing treatments a day for asthma, make sure he wears his eye patch, put the special cream on for eczema, and control his diet so he has no reactions and get beat up by my daughter on a daily basis". UUUUUM This is NOT what I signed up for.......


If your honest with yourself, Is Motherhood really what any of us thought we were signing up for?

 

May 7, 2007-Journal Entry

Skyler,

Today we celebrated mommy's birthday. My mommy had me 36 years ago and I was her precious little girl, now I have a little girl of my own.

Even though we are having some rough times right now trying to manage your tantrums and attitude-what a JOY you are. You are starting to talk in complete sentences. You copy everything I do...very cute!

You continue to struggle with your little brother but we are praying the God will change your heart toward him. We all love you sooo much.

Mommy



This was the last photo shoot you ever did
because the clothes started to itch you and you would get agitated at 
the photographers.
Neiman Marcus Catalog 2007

 


























The constant stress and tantrums for no apparent reason and the sensory sensitivity made me start asking the pediatrician questions, and requesting some assistance on how to manage my baby girl. I pulled out some of my old therapy books, reading about ways to help her calm down. Why, what, how, HELP!!!!!  We struggled with who to listen to and what is the BEST thing to do.

Finally her doctor told us to confine her to her room when she became unmanageable by putting a lock on the outside of her door. We did as he said BUT this only enraged her further. I would sit outside her door and cry. Hearing her hurting inside alone was breaking my heart. I kept thinking this can not be the way! 

March 28, 2007-Journal Entry

My Little Lady,

You are becoming such a women. Talking more and more, you are so smart! We took a family trip to N.C. and that was a little stressful being in the car for so long. Mommy became pretty agitated and I am feeling guilty about how I treated you. I get so scared that my anger is going to rub off on you. I do not want to do anything to hurt you. I pray every day God will give me the patience and soften my heart.

You are really warming up to your brother. Today you ran across the floor and gave him a big hug. He is going to be a great little big brother.

I love you baby girl,
Mommy



One of my greatest fears, which is always why I waited later in life to have kids, is that my children would be exposed to the anger I had inside. The anger that had crippled me in High School, hurting those I loved the most. The anger that was dormant from abuse in past relationships. The anger that as a child I had experienced and the anger that I had unleashed on so many others in my life. I was sometimes afraid of myself and the ability to lose control was so easy. Why would I want to pass that on to a child? The thought of hurting my kids was a burden to heavy to carry.

As Skyler's tantrums began to progress out of control and her ability to communicate was still a struggle, I  feared my ability to mother her and wanted to abandon my family. The source of comfort and stability I had was in my parents, they had helped me manage my daily task and they became a beacon of hope.  The news that they were moving Seattle soon, to be full time missionaries, was absolutely terrifying for me and I knew I had to start managing my life, my family, my anger, my sadness on my own. 

What happen to the once very independent, strong, resourceful, confident young women I once was?  Would I ever be that person again? 


I decided to enroll in an anger management class reading the book Good & Angry which helped me begin to process my role as a mother and how to start changing MY behavior.






To view Book Click here:


 http://www.amazon.com/Good-Angry-Exchanging-Frustration-Character/dp/0877880301/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1297742321&sr=1-2

June 3, 2007-Journal Entry

Sky,

Life in our house has been a little stressful. Mommy and Daddy have not figured out how to handle you growing up. You have your own opinion and have been expressing yourself quite freely. A learning lesson for both of us for sure!

Today I let you help me make breakfast and you spilled a little oatmeal and you said "ooh a holy mess", sooo cute. (I must say that sometimes).  I love you very much baby girl, even when you will not listen to mommy and I get upset I want you to know I still love you.

Mommy

This was the continuation of Patrick and I telling ourselves this must be the terrible two's, this is normal and all kids act like this. During conversations with other parents they would always comment " I know my kid does that too". So we just thought as parents we needed to be more consistent and discipline differently.

I began to explore ways to help the daily grind be more manageable and how I could as a women cope with my own depression, work, marriage, a son that is struggling to digest his food and now we are preparing for his first surgery on his eyes to correct Strabismus and ears. The weekly doctor appointments to allergist, pediatrician and opthamologist were so overwhelming there were times I stated to think Skyler was acting out because Kendyl was getting so much attention.

I started to think more and more about what my parents tried so hard to teach me, It does not matter your circumstances it matters how you handle it.  How was I handling it? My coping skills became destructive patterns instead of constructive and if I was going to make it, I needed that to change quickly.

Feb 2, 2007-Journal Entry

Sky,

Your becoming quite the miss prissy-little attitude-little sassy and very funny!  You did the funniest thing at Mother's Day Out today. You took all your clothes off at nap time except your name badge that you held over your privates. Hilarious... That's Modesty at a young age!

Love,
Mom

 We know now that sensory issues is why this became a reoccurring theme for quite some time. Taking off something that causes pain or sends the wrong message to your brain makes sense to me now!  You would of thought that going to occupational therapy school and working with kids in the school system for 5 yrs would have helped me be a better mother.

It is easier to let another therapist provide therapy to your kids then trying to be mom and therapist.  So now I pay a therapist to help me with Skyler and I still am paying a student loan from therapy school.  What is wrong with this picture? I thought I was the one suppose to be MAKING money! No resentment here just another wave in the vast ocean of life.  Surf anyone?

May 16, 2006-Journal Entry

My Sweet Sky,

You have been an angel! The last couple of weeks mommy has been struggling with so much sadness and your brother Kendyl has been very sick. You have been my joy, your laugh, your sweet kisses your hugs and smile has helped me get through some rough times. I love you
Mommy







This letter reminded me of the deep post partum depression that paralyzed me when my son was so sick.  He would not sleep or breast feed due to sever allergies.  I was in the blackest pit of depression and sleep deprivation plagued me for over 8 month until I prayed God would take my life. The constant crying and the very rigid diet my son, Kendyl, had to be on plus the loss of being able to breast feed was more than I thought I could bare! I was reminded daily by Skyler's presence of the responsibility I had as a mother to pull up my boot straps.  If I would of known the struggles she would eventually be faced with I would of enjoyed the laughter more.



My son, Kendyl, had to sleep on this wedge every night. We had to strap him in
so he could sleep due to his digestion issues



March 31, 2006-Journal Entry

Sky Bug,

So many things have happened since I last wrote to you. Mommy went to the hospital last Friday and brought home your new baby brother! We had a tough week getting adjusted-you seem to be lashing out at Mommy by hitting, throwing fits and not listening very well but by the end of the week we seem to be dealing with the changes better. Mommy loves you so much and it broke my heart to see you so upset. I think we are all going to be OK.  Love Mommy

We continued to believe that jealousy of the new addition to the family was the cause of her anger, anxiety and aggression until she became dangerous and we were unable to manage her at all.

March 14, 2006-Journal Entry

My Dearest Skyler,

 We had the best time today. We went to the Arboretum,  saw beautiful flowers and they had a petting zoo. You love animals so much. Made it home in time for a quick nap then off to a JcPenny's photo shoot. Mommy is so proud of you for being so easy going-you definitely have your dad's personality. We walked up to Cooper to see daddy then we all walked home together. This was the perfect day my love!  Love Mommy

I had to laugh when I read this in my journal about how I admired my daughters once easy going personality when that is the ONE thing that is non existent now! The other thing that struck me was what all the photgrapher loved about my beautiful daughter was her look- so striking-so flat -so subduide and now we know why. Expressions are not her strong suit! Animals have been the object of my daughters obsessions since this day. They provide so much comfort, in a way that people can not.  Thank you Lord for animals!

DEC 12, 2005-Journal Entry

My darling Skyler,

We have been having some rough times. I have learned that a child can break your heart like nothing or no one else could. When you throw your little fits and scream because I said "No" or hit me in the face because I did not give you what you wanted it breaks my heart. I know this is only the beginning and when (if) you choose to have kids you will know what I am talking about. On the other hand you never knew you could love So deep, so raw and sooo much. I hope no matter what we go through you will know how much I truly love you. Love Mommy

Little did I know in 2005 that in 2011 the fits turn into tantrums turn into me scared for your life at times. Sometimes scared for my own life,  my own sanity and longing for the relationship I may never have with a daughter.

18 month

As any mom can tell you to,  remember what your child did yesterday is hard enough but I have been writing in a journal since my daughter was born so I will go back to 18 month. This will sometimes get raw and will always be REAL truth.  I will not leave out any details out of fear or change so save face... just hard core facts. 

How it all started

In order to begin MY story we have to go back to the beginning. Not every moment but some very significant moments that are impactful.  The day I found out I was preganant with my first, was one of the most exciting and scariest days of my life.  Little did I know that having a baby and raising a child are two VERY different things.