I just read back over my entire journal and all the emotions I felt when you were born are coming back to me. I am overwhelmed with Joy! You are becoming a little women. Potty Trained--dressing yourself--calling me Donna--and trying to push all the limits. You are learning so much about life and I pray God prepares me to lead you to him.
You have been asking me questions like " Did you get that at Whole Foods" and it makes my heart skip a beat! Your brother is rough and tough and the two of you love to bump heads. I will hear "MINE" from across the house.
Kendyl more than likely took your toy and he thinks it is funny when you start screaming.
On the other hand at times I will hear you play together, giggling trying to communicate with each other and it is magnificent, a breath of fresh air, I love you so much!
As you would say in that sweet voice,
Donna
I have to be honest as I wrote in my daughters journal I could not bare the thought of writing the absolute truth and explaining every circumstance to her in case there came a day she would read it and feel quilt or sadness for the things she could not control.
These month marked a significant change in my daughter. She became so unpredictable and violent that we could not leave her alone with Kendyl for fear that she may physically hurt him. It became challenging to keep clothes on her, she would take her clothes off in the car, at the mall, when she talked which was not very often she would talk in strange and deep voice. Her tantrums went from taking minutes to control to hours of screaming, throwing chairs and books, pulling things off the walls, taking all the things out of closet and piling it up in the middle of her room. After multiple frantic calls to the doctor he finally said enough is enough. We ordered some test including sleep study, allergy, EEG and speech therapy.
What will we learn? How will I handle the news? What does God have in store for me? Is she really sick? Is this normal? Maybe I just can't handle motherhood! Maybe it is me not her? I am so confused so scared but I know the Lord loves me and Skyler and will provide for my family no matter what we need. He is all knowing and already has her life mapped out so I need to wait and trust
So many night of power walking crying out and singing Amazing Grace through the streets. Repeating in my head " He will keep me in perfect peace whose mind stays on thee" I had peace in the midst of chaos and deep indescribable sadness. I found a solid foundation to hold onto in the book
My sons second eye and ear surgery approaching did not scare me, it was painful to see him in pain but his issues had a name and can be fixed. I felt in control of his situation but not with the unknown it was lonely, dark and hard to process. I remember saying one night "Ok Lord so your telling me everyday I have to hold my son down and give him four breathing treatments a day for asthma, make sure he wears his eye patch, put the special cream on for eczema, and control his diet so he has no reactions and get beat up by my daughter on a daily basis". UUUUUM This is NOT what I signed up for.......
If your honest with yourself, Is Motherhood really what any of us thought we were signing up for?
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