We all have some poop in our pants!

My son, Kendyl, is a jolly guy. Happy, funny and witty!  He is both a lover and a fighter, which in today's terms means metro sexual I guess. He goes anywhere, will talk to anyone, will try almost everything (except weird looking food), loves to just be or be crazy.

Picking him up from school, I typically find a young boy that is smiling and full of energy. He loves to play but will work hard too. His quirky smile is contagious and those blue eyes take your happy meter up a notch.

This, set my heart on fire, love of my life boy taught me that everybody has poop in their pants.

He was giggling at school pick up, then rushed over to hug me (the moment I wait for all day) but THEN he sternly whispered in my ear "we need to go home right now".  "Bud you OK" I ask?  "No No I have poop in my pants"!  "WHAT" I almost scream, but contained myself.  "What Happen"?  He tells me the story as we rush to find sister and get in the car. Right then a life lesson shines in the car like the sun on a rainy day.

On the outside, as the world looks at us, we are smiling but really we ALL have poop in our pants. We wear the "I am OK" mask, while waddling through life trying not to let anyone notice our extra baggage.

Skyler, his sister asks whats wrong, "why are we rushing"? I said "Kendyl had an accident, let's go quickly". Skyler says "did you pee in your pants?" and Kendyl says "noooo".  Skyler then says in a loud screaming voice "oooh you pooped".

Time stopped for a brief second as I watched his face. He looked as if he was going to cry but he waited to see her response. We all do this... if our poop is acceptable to others we feel OK about it!  Skyler laughed like it was no big deal and then Kendyl went from almost crying to laughing and the situation dissipated BUT had Skyler mocked him, the ending would of been different.  

At times we mask the pain of rejection with false confidence or stuffing our pain inside neither a good ingredients for maturity and true self acceptance. The sooner we accept that everyone has some poop in their pants the better we will all be for it!

Saying YES to one thing means saying NO to something else

Saying Yes to stillness, says NO to chaos

It astonishes me that I learned a life changing fact from my 7 year daughter with Aspergers. I have been saying NO to different things since she was 3 yrs old because I knew she could not handle loud places, crowds, too many activities in one day, social interactions, new places and changing plans or not planning. In all of this I never noticed an important FACT about life, a FACT we all live by,  

When we say YES to anything in life it means we say NO to something else.

It may seem simple and you may be thinking no duh! But really when I began thinking EVERY time I said yes, what was I saying NO too. It shocked me how different my life could be or would be when I started looking at what I was saying NO to on a regular basis. It is like a railroad track constantly a parallel. So when we say YES we also are saying NO at the same time!

Think with me for a minute, you wake up and if you say YES to laying in bed 15 extra minutes you say NO to what? (relaxed time getting ready, time to read a devotional, time to shower, time to write a little note to your child) the list could go on and on. 

We say Yes to looking at some form of media (computer, FB, TV, IPhone) catching up on life, well... this says NO to quiet time to recharge brain, NO to talking to your partner, NO to the pet that needs love. 

When I decided to say NO to living in anger every day, I said YES to being free to experience joy. When we we all decide to say YES to forgiving someone who caused us pain we say NO to bitterness. 

Then let's just say you have time to say YES to stopping at Starbucks, well you now said NO to donating that $6 to the homeless, No to saving money, NO to getting out of debt, No to saving those extra calories..... But YES to a caffeine high!!! I still need to work on this one.

Are you starting to understand how different just thinking about what we are saying NO to when we say YES could make in our life. I have spent so many years making bad choices, that I am beginning on a path of hopefully having less regrets and this is my next step.  

OK! SO now I have said YES to using my last couple hours of the day to write in my blog but have said NO to watching a movie with my husband, I am not off to a good start of no regrets. BOO!

Saying yes to overworking says NO to sooooo many things. I think the point is that when I dig deep and think about what I am giving up to say YES or NO, it may help me make better choice's. 

As a mom I do not want my kids remembering that I said NO to them because I said YES to everything or everyone else. 

                                                

                                                        Saying NO to all the little things that don't really matter means I say YES to what matters 

MOST! 

I would love to hear all the ways you say YES and NO or how thinking about it helped change some or your answers. Share so we all learn!

The lessons I learned about Letting go.............(Lesson 3)

Two halves of a whole, is my definition of motherhood. You are one person, then  if you become a mother, you no longer belong only to yourself but are now two halves with some gooey stuff in the middle. The gooey stuff has allot to do with environment, history, upbringing and beliefs.

My gooey stuff still needs refining, maturing and guidance in order for it to be productive in anyway. Letting go is part of the process and it allows for growth not only in me but in my kids and in all relationships. I am learning to appreciate the difficult days and be stimulated by the challenges I encounter along the way.

I found myself in the role of motherhood long before I was ever a biological mother with an incredible opportunity to be a foster parent. Fostering 10 kids in four years changed the way I would be a parent forever. I started learning about Letting go of my anger when I was denied adoption rights to a foster boy (Daniel) I had in my home. The state thought they knew what was better for his future then a young single women in college. The devastation that held me captive for months bought on a pit of guilt and depression. 

What would happen to him, where would he live, who would love him, teach him, guide him into the cruel world of humanity. God would! I had to trust that the Lord that watches over everyone of us and meets all our needs, would meet my little Daniel's needs, even if I could not see it, I had to have faith, to let him go. 

Daniel and Me on Beach

Then came the day I was told bearing my own children would be highly unlikely, which was confirmed with a miscarriage of my first pregnancy. The idea of being a biological mom came and went with three years of attempting to get pregnant again. Letting go... again to the fact that God's plan is more magnificent that I could ever imagine. "Your plan not mine" I said over and over.His plan was so much better than mine because within month of my husband finding a new job with better insurance I was pregnant!

Little does any new mother know, the challenges of carrying a new life inside you starts with fear. Fear of so many unknowns. Letting go of the unknowns, the mistakes that you have experienced, that you as a mom do not want repeated now that you are in the drivers seat of motherhood.

The next letting go of motherhood is embarrassing to say but it was harder to do. The doc confirmed that I am pregnant again! WHAT WHAT WHAT I just had a baby!  I felt the surge of anger, fear, denial and shock run through my veins. The swelling in my eyes continued for months until, I LET GO again. Let go of thinking I COULD NOT do this again, the pain, the fatigue, the emotional up and down of hormonal surges gripping your body. I could and would with super natural strength that we, all women all moms, have in reserve to survive.

One of the most cherished moments I had with my daughter, that truly took me by surprise, was the connection I had during breast feeding. Never took myself as the breast feeding type BUT once you hear how good it is for your baby how could you not try. I gave myself the 6 month goal! It turned into one of the greatest joys of my entire life, after the intense pain left my breast of course!!!!

So letting go of the fact that I COULD not breast feed my son after I had held onto this hope for 9 month sent me diving back into a black hole of despair. The one that had looked very familiar to me and the same black hole that almost took my life. 

I felt the greatest sense of loss during those quiet nights crying , pumping milk that he could not drink and pleading with God to heal my son so I could nurse him. When you have been up for month with a colic child that can now only eat a special formula with thicken added due to allergies and aspirating lungs, and a 17 month old daughter that is totally dependent on mommy, I slipped into postpartum depression. 

My cries for healing of my son turned into me begging for him to take my life. I had lost all connection with the baby boy I gave birth to, I struggled to eat, sleep, work, laugh and feel. The doom of seeing the sun shine into my window and the sweet grunts of babies waking up from slumber meant to me another day of bondage.

Help was sought and help was found in many different ways but it required letting go and asking for help. I needed more help now then ever before in my life up to this day and letting go of myself was the only way to rebuild and heal! 

Fast forward several years of learning to let go daily my desires, for the needs of an exuberant family and we find a little girl riding her bike.  Mom is holding the back of the bike with such a firm grip that she will never be able to pedal on her own until I LET GO of the bike. It means letting her learn, hurt, fall, succeed and fail. How do I stop the pain that has spanned now 40 yrs of my life so that it does not infect my kids? Letting go of the controlling and debilitating fear starts with me taking my hand off the bike and setting her free.

LET GO MOM LET GO!

The lessons I learned about Letting go.............(lesson 2)

Cruising along the beach I realized that my life had many parallels to my ride that morning.  

To my right the sun illuminated the sea and a seagull flying free in the splendor of natures nightlight.

To my left was enormous structures built for our entertainment and enjoyment.

Houses with different frames, landscapes that filled each corner of the lot and balconies that reached out to the water. 

I rode on for a couple hours and to my amazement I found myself gazing back and forth from right to left. I discovered when my eyes stayed looking right at the steadfast sea; The glorious creation given to us, I was content, relaxed and in awe of the gift. 
When I focused my attention to the left, at house after house each one trying to make its own statement, I found myself wanting, wishing, desiring more and my hands started to grip the handle bars a little tighter as my chest began to tighten with anxiety. 

That's it!
It is not what we have, where we live, how many cars we have, if we have kids, don't have kids, married or single, it is what we choose to focus on. 
We can continue to focus on the house, the marriage, the kids, the job, the area, the school, the life that we want and the human desire will go on and on.  We would give up our soul to obtain what we think we can not have OR we can choose freedom like the seagull in the moonlight.  
The open sea is a gift from God, always constant, a gift you do not have to work for or be compared to, it is there to simply enjoy, BUT you have to focus on the right.

  Letting go of the world's view of success, Is it possible in today's society of constant consumption to only look right?

I am willing to try, for the sake of the most fulfilling ride,
A life worth lived.

The lessons I learned about .......Letting go ( Lesson 1)

Have you noticed a new babies fist, they stay clenched tight. When they start to open, it is then and only then can they welcome touch. They start reaching, holding onto things and feeling their environment. They learn and grow because of the feedback from touch.

It occurred to me that I have spent most of my life with clenched fist. Holding inside tight hands was anger, bitterness and discontentment. It is easier to guard yourself against pain and hurt when your hands do not open to feel and touch.

That heavy beat of failure, a pounding bass of disappointment that has marked my days and nights. The existence that can cause so much damage to the spirit with hurtful words, abuse and broken promises can also bring maturity, joy and fulfillment but you have to open the hands to receive first.

Giving Thanks as Ann Voskamp says "awakens me to God giving Himself to me-for me-a surrender of Love." The discipline of giving thanks helps the fist open.

August 22, 2010-Journal Entry to my Daughter

August 22, 2010

Tomorrow is your first day of kindergarten! So amazing to me that you will be in school all day. Mommy is so scared and sad but excited for you to grow and learn.  The doctors have helped us make the decision to put you in regular full time school and see how you do. I want to go to school with you everyday to guide and protect you but I know that would only hold you back. 

First School Picture

You lost another top tooth and you look so cute with a gap. We had a great summer together, you have become quite the little swimmer. Your long arms just glide through the water. You look very relaxed and peaceful when you swim. The water seems to have a calming effect. So proud of how hard you work. 

I love you baby girl,

Mommy









_______________________________________________________________
I felt like I was suffocating in the dreams that had become cruel mirages and  the naive hope had started to melt but now it is hard to say I have any regret for the struggles in my life because it has created a new life in me.


I could not of imagined, on that first day of school, that we would be well into 1st grade with a affectionate, loving, brilliant and flourishing young women. A child that has friends and thinks of others. A contagious smile and loving demeanour. When your told all the above is not possible then you dispel the myth your eyes can only look up!

The routine that has been part of our life for the past couple years, the change in the way we teach her, the effort we put in to limit overload and to consistently give her enough rest, helps her handle what her mind tells her she can't. The commitment to love her in a new way, a better way, has given all of us new life.
She taught us how to let go and just LOVE! Take away the expectations and the PLANS we had and just LOVE! 
 

Sept 20, 2009-Journal Entry to my daughter

Sept 20, 2009

We had the most incredible birthday celebration-You are now 5 years old! 

Daddy and I took you and Kendyl to Fossil Rim (a wildlife park that you feed the animals from your car). You fed a zebra, deer and a ram. 

We were all scared of the ostrich, because it had scary red eyes. We had so much fun just being together and celebrating your life.

We love you so much,

Mommy

Courage grows out of difficult times. No one is born courageous! Finding strength and significance in a constantly changing world and uncertain situations can ONLY be found in the journey of faith! Celebrating my daughters life in an environment that animals were free and Skyler had freedom from anxiety and people pressures was the greatest gift of all.
 

Her love for animals and the ability to connect with them is truly remarkable.

"Don't look back while running"

"Son, don't look back while running that is why you keep falling". 

The past couple of months my son has been enjoying the freedom of a good sprint but will start looking back and fall.  I give into fear as I watch him and my heart starts to pound and the anxiety sets in. Fear freezes me and I think of all the painful lessons I have had to learn from looking back.

So many memories when God seemed absent but when the scraped knee healed, the heart stopped bleeding and the dreams that were shattered were replaced with God molding me into the women I am today, I realized in my darkest moments God was working the hardest for me.  

My son will keep falling but I pray when he does look back he will see God revealing his perfect plan for him!

I can feel my heart chambers slowing down and the air begins to flow in and out again.  I am blessed with a morning of quietness to start my sprint forward without looking back into the darkness of regret. 

What if looking back continues to burn?  I feel like a tree swaying back and forth from the heavy winds of life. Feelings can lie but trusting and moving forward in God's provision out of obedience never fails.

Dec 11, 2008-Journal Entry to my son

 Dec 11, 2008

Well little man, mommy gave you quite a shock today. I have always had really long hair but I decided to donate all my hair to Lock of Love. A company that makes wigs for kids.  I want to give what has been so freely given to me and the chance to help someone like you my sweet son. 

When I came home after my haircut you were NOT happy. You kept saying "Mommy put it back on, please put it back on".  It has taken two days for you to realize that I can not put it back on. You have had a rough time looking right at me little buddy! I know you will adjust and I want you to know hair or no hair I love you more and more every day!

Love,

Mommy 










I hope to teach my kids "that comfort obtained by one can often prove serviceable to another". (Spurgeon)

God has taught me more about conviction and forgiveness in the things he has allowed to be taken away from me in my life then with the things I have been given. Like the song amazing grace "I was lost but now I am found". 
I found myself only after, like the hair cut off and only strands left, my life dramatically altered and redefined by Grace!

The Fruit of our Labor!

Happy Labor Day!

I opened my ears to the sound of my family laughing over the soft background of music playing and my mind went to a place that it had not been before. The fruit of a mother's labor is her family.

 

The attributes that we contributed to biologically, the physical effort in the daily task, the grind of teaching honor and respect, the loss of sleep over decisions made, the constant battle of regrets, the sacrifice of time for self and the gift of breath are all fruits of the labor of love.

Labor Day, the first Monday in September, is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country. 

The strength, prosperity and well being of my family starts with the mental, emotional and physical well being of me! To be in a constant state of chaos does not produce the kind of fruit I want walking the streets in a couple years, so it is imperative that I stay healthy to keep the Labor going day after day.

With no prerequisites required to become a mom you could start this job with little to NO training. Congratulations, you are now responsible for the hows, whats and whys of this new life. Nothing like learning on the job!

God is so good to us! He gives us time to learn, if we use it wisely, this little bundle sleeps 20hrs a day at first so, I would of been smart to start my training then but exhaustion and shock took over my life so no learning happened at first.

Then toddler hood becomes the obsession of your time. New adventures every moment take your attention away from learning the job skills needed most. By now your well into your new role with no additional training skills aquired to teach this little person how to be a productive adults in society. You keep praying that this new love of your life will survive with no baggage of a traumatic childhood.

I stay on my knees that when they see the reflection of themselves in a mirror they LOVE what they see,  that they see what God sees in all of us Beauty. 

I want my kids to be like a tree so well rooted that when the worldly wind starts rocking them to and fro, they can take a hold of the precious truth of the covenant grace.

We do not have to change what we see, ONLY the WAY we see it

I am ending the week much better than it started and I have experienced moments of uncomprimised joy.

No sensory overload meltdowns in two days, new school routine is setting in nicely, praising God for the ability to walk my kids to school, feeling cooler air on my skin, thinking clearly about the journey that lies ahead. 

Ann Voskamp says "I can feel gratitude soak into my soul, I am becoming someone else, a new person, one that I like much better that the old."  Numerous blessings sitting under my nose, when looking for them I can not help but feel contentment!

I feel my lips pulling apart in a smile and I burst into a true giggle. Laughter is hard to come by when you wear anger to hide the sadness. I chuckle at the reward for finding a balance, the reward for intentionally committing to the challenge of being thankful in ALL things.

 

I am rewarded with the words weight gain and pre menopause from the wonderful ob/gyn doc.  WHAT WHAT WHAT just happened!

A simple morning full of laughter and smiles turns into another task to manage and more things to add into the daily challenges already so overwhelming. The dreaded number from a scale that haunts women- the disease of body image. The yearning for that which is NEVER attainable, perfection. 

I pause, think and.... I did it! I found a heart of thanksgiving in that moment, I thank you Lord that I did not come into the doctor Monday or Tuesday when my spirit was fragile. Thank you for the strength and guidance to look hormones in the face and begin to giggle.

Women are like cats we have nine lives. Each shift in hormones we have to shift into a new life of figuring out what, how, when, who and where. So onto this next life I go.... step by step, day by day.  

I returned to my car and found myself singing under my breath "I got joy joy joy down in my heart down in my heart down in my heart" and there it is again my lips pulling apart and I SMILE!

 

My Mom (my hero) and me running the race of Life together.

I did not love my daughter well today

I stopped teaching and starting demanding not a good idea with any child much less a child with Aspergers. I lost my way again and I started reacting to her lack of understanding and paid the price with withdrawal and unmanageable meltdowns. 

Trying to teach my baby girl social cueing in the middle of a meltdown is like trying to tell a person screaming at you during road rage fit that they left their blinker on.

My girl at 1 with mommy  in Alaska

I am a therapist, a trainer and a mother and in all of those roles I have to TEACH. If someone does not know how to squat I break it down and teach the mechanics of it, if someone does not know how to put make up on after a stroke we re-train the brain so......... with my daughter I need to TEACH her how to read faces, to study reactions and to respond. 

This can be an overwhelming task that gets forgotten in the middle of working, cooking cleaning and caring for another child. 

 

Today is about finding balance and getting back to teaching not demanding from myself, others and my precious children.

I shout glorious praise for the eye to see, the ears to hear, the heart to feel and the willingness to change and I trust him for the strength. 

November 12, 1994-My Personal Diary Notes

November 12, 1994

I stayed the night at a youth camp last night and had a total blast. I really needed that after swaying so far away from myself. I feel like I have bad vibes flowing through my blood.  I am totally out of control. I need to quit looking, start giving and forgiving more, then love will come to me. 
I learned that I am really going to be ok and I can do this thing called LIFE.  It seems so hard when depression sets in. I wish I could learn how to rely on God's love instead of basing how I feel on what others think of me.
I am counting the hours until I see my family in Co. for Thanksgiving. What a blessing to have this time with my family. I hope to learn how to appreciate my life, my friends, my job, my possessions, my knowledge and the body God gave me. Stop wishing for more AND make what I have the best by changing my attitude! 

Cheers to another day in paradise!

( I loved reading how I wrote the word "totally" in my journal)

2011
I have this pattern of Choosing LIFE over and over. I will experience this temporary freedom inside and I want to live. Not JUST survive but truly live. To hear, smell and taste all this life has to offer! The flip side of LIFE is death which equals freedom forever in my mind. Free from prejudice, constant emotional, physical and spiritual pain, the crippling battle of depression, loss of trust and faith in your loved ones and yourself.

Sitting at the top of a mountain in Co. surrounded by insurmountable beauty puts things in perspective but it does not stop the pain of defeat, the overwhelming heartache that rages in my veins. As Charles Spurgeon says " There are no broken friendships, nor blighted prospects in heaven".  I long for that place and time.

 

Attending three funerals in a month; death and mourning was a constant cloud above my head and it brought me back to a familiar dark place. I longed to be in the ground physically with them, mentally freed from nagging thoughts, spiritually arriving at my final destination. I struggled to hold on to what mattered most which was to run the race I had been given and do it well.

Marathons get really tough at mile 26 when you only have .2 to go and for me I have been doing .2 most of my life. Putting one foot in front of the other in spite of failures, regrets and let downs is all part of the running process. I physically am not scared but emotionally I am terrified! 

Ann Voskamp says it best " panting ahead in worry, pounding back in regrets, terrified to live in the present, because here-time asks me to do the hardest of all: just open wide and receive. 

Pay it Forward- May 2009-Journal Entry to my daughter

May 2009

Sweet girl you were so cute for my birthday today. When I woke you up, you kept asking me to get you some panties, then you and Kendyl would start giggling. 

Finally I opened your pantie drawer and there was a gift bag from James Avery in there. You both sat looking right at me as I opened the gift and it was a pair or heart earrings. 

You said to me "one heart for me and one heart for Kendyl". This was a moment of Pure Joy!

I love you,

 Mommy

I was able to PAY IT FORWARD today. A distraught five year old boy had obviously been over stimulated to the max and was attempting to beat up a women twice his size with kicks and punches. I saw her face and as she unsuccessfully tried to restrain him from running away into moving traffic and as she held him tightly taking multiple blows to the face with his little fist, my heart stopped beating.

My eyes swelled up with tears as the painful memories of restraining my daughter to control her from hurting me, others or herself flashed before my eyes. I tried to walk by without causing a scene but something came over me and I knew I could help. 

I said "can I have him" and I held firmly saying "shhhhhhhhhhh" softly in his ear "it's ok". He continued the fight and I started rubbing his back and using a soft tone of voice so he could calm down. I let him know that he could not hurt me and that running was dangerous and we would not allow it for his safety. I sat down holding him firmly starting to rock back and forth letting go of my grip slowly, he became still and calm.

He did the same thing my Sky Sky did, snapped out of the fit and started talking clearly and ready for water.

Mentally exhausted from the reminder of where I had been but energized about the progress we have made and encouraged to continue speaking out.

A reminder to me and everyone that bad behavior does NOT always equals bad kid!

There have been many wise people that have helped me in my journey and it was an incredible blessing today to be able to PAY IT FORWARD!

Define Special Needs

I will never forget the first time someone labeled my daughter as "special needs". WHAT does that mean? When I was a therapist, we loved labels, it helped us know what to expect from a child and how to treat them but as a mother I did NOT like that term used for my sweet little girl.

NOW ..................................

I am so grateful to have a special needs child, she teaches me the true definition of loving unconditionally, that tone of voice matters, that eye contact is valuable and that down time is sacred. 

I shutter to think the kind of mother I would of been without all the lessons I have learned from her.  

I would of taken so many things for granted and allowed time to escape without stopping to really SEE her. 

She has taught me to STOP, LOOK and LISTEN like the fireman tell you to do when you see a fire.  That is what happen to me, I saw a fire in her and I had to STOP, LOOK and LISTEN. 

STOP blaming, or searching for the whys, stop wondering or worrying. 

Stop being anger at her all the time. Stop being angry in general. Stop listening to every one's advice. Stop trying to figure out what was wrong and missing SO many things that were right. Stop refusing help.

LOOK at who I was inside and out. Look for the ways I could change instead of trying to change her. Look at ways I could make her life more comfortable. Look up to Christ instead of at the world.

LISTEN to her. Listen to the subtle signs that being too busy we often overlook. Listen to the unspoken cry of a child in need of a mommy.

So really I believe ALL kids are special needs. They all have special individual needs that as a parent we have to STOP, LOOK and LISTEN to. 

 

Oct 5, 2008-Journal Entry to my Son

Oct 5, 2008

Kendyl, 

Son, you are my sweet boy. You saw mommy crying and ran to the kitchen to get a tissue and said "you all better now" and gave me a kiss. 

Your sister has been dealing with some mental health issues and you have been so patient and kind as we learn how to parent her. 

You still have no interest in being potty trained but oh well we will get there buddy. 

Love,

Mommy

My son's smile was a shining light in a dark cave, his soft voice and sweet kisses could transcend me out of a gloomy fog!

I will never forget him and I  hiding under the bed because Skyler was having an episode and we were both scared.  I wanted to distract him so he did not have to hear her screaming, so we hid under the bed and as I held him tight rocking side to side singing Amazing Grace I could feel his heart beat slow down.

Praise God the time has past that we have to hide under the bed.  Kendyl loves his sister so much that when he is older and can comprehend what role he needs to play in her life to be a BIG LITTLE BROTHER I will tell him all about it but for now I will enjoy the contagiuos giggles between the two.

Each day holds a new journey of sibling rivarly that we have to embrace with laughter and grace.

April 14, 2009-Journal Entry to my daughter

You are smiling more and more every day

April 14, 2009

Good Morning my love! You have been a shining star! The Lord has truly blessed us with people in our lives to help you enjoy life more. You spent the entire weekend with your cousins and had a BLAST. I love listening to you giggle. You are so loved, never forget that. 

Daddy bought you a bug house and you are crazzzy over these little bugs, you just love them. It is so precious to see you have a connections with God's little creatures.

Love 

Mommy

I am told that "Courage grows out of difficult circumstances" and I believe that to be true. When the ground shatters under your feet we have choices to make and I have to say I made the wrong choices. I allowed rage to control my life, my marriage and my mothering. 

My approach in handling my daughter was so far off base that it is embarrassing to admit.  What Skyler needed  was an authoritarian yet gentle voice and my calm spirit. 

I now understand what it means to walk by faith and not by feelings, to think before I respond, "to Stop, Look and Listen" as the firefighters say.  I want to keep learning, keep growing and keep being my daughters defender, cheerleader and mother. 

After March Before April 2009-Journal Entry to my daughter




SkySky Bug,

We have had such a rough time lately-not sure where to go from here. You have had some terrific past couple month but now I feel like we are back to square one.
I feel like it is me-I am so confused-I can not sleep-I am on my knees, "God give me wisdom".

Love you Baby Girl,
Mommy

Looking at this sweet face brings tears to my eyes. So many times she seemed to be smiling on the outside but struggling internally. I would ask what can Mommy do, are you OK, Do you feel mad, sad? Did someone hurt you, did I hurt you? She had no way of expressing to me the battle going on in her head.  I grew very weary and tired. Tired of mothering, tired of not knowing how to mother, tired of no answers. Just TIRED! 

My new normal was just to survive each day. I did not want to settle for just survival. I wanted more! I desired family time that did not end in complete chaos because my daughter had a melt down that would take hours to calm her down, to be able to go into a store without running out in a panic that she would run away into moving traffic.

I did not enjoy the feeling in my gut when my husband and I would have to take turns caring for her because it was so much work that you could only endure short periods of time without losing your mind. 

I know the old saying "Where there is a will, there is a way" but does will have anything to do with motherhood?  Can you WILL answers, change, direction or help?  

March 3, 2009-Journal Entry to my daughter

Skyler,

Where does the time go? Well baby girl you have been so happy lately, talking more, laughing and playing so well with Kendyl. You were making him giggle tonight and he kept saying "Again, Again" and you would do it again and he would giggle even harder. 

The doctor is trying some different medication for you and I really think this one is making the biggest difference. You seem to be more comfortable in your skin. Less anxious, less tantrums, less agitated and more smiles!


We had the BEST family day.  We all enjoyed just being together and I found myself walking through the mall crying tears of joy. 

You really are a beautiful wonderful child that I love more and more every day. 

Love,

Mommy

I live in gratitude that we have smiles on a regular basis now. A smile of comfort and true joy that every kid should be able to experience.  My SKY SKY is able to enjoy life because of medication.

On the other hand I live with a constant battle of right vs. wrong.  I am relying on drugs and with the risk of side effects and long term addiction am I making the Best decision. Mommy guilt is overwhelming when I allow it to consume my thoughts. Yes, Yes, yes, they all say but internally as a MOM, I will always wonder. 

For now I love hearing her soft tone of voice, sweet smiles and her ability to handle extra snuggles. The battle can continue in my mind as long as I see her making progress and enjoying being six years old.

Jan 23, 2009-Journal Entry

Daddy and Sky Bug

Sky,

I am willing to do whatever to help you. 

It did not go very well taking you off the full dose of your medicine. You have had some tough ups and downs but God has really helped me be more patient, kind and gentle even during the very trying times.

I feel so lost and scared. I wake up everyday not knowing what to expect.

I was just thinking about the first day I held you in my arms and since that day I have loved you more and more. Perseverence will be our new middle name.  

You have started riding your bike and you rode all the way to Cooper today. My hearts sings when your happy sweet girl! 

I love you,

Mommy

My current situation in 2010 seems so different from Jan 2009. When my daughter lets me fix her hair or allows me to briefly hold her in a tight bear hug or says hello to someone approaching us, my heart skips a beat. 

I notice the simplest things that would of passed right by me if I had not expercienced the pain in those previous years. Having a child with Aspergers is not strange anymore to me, it is normal. It is my normal and I am learning to embrace the challenges one by one. 

I am still learning to balance her needs with my sons and husbands so I am no longer consumed with HER issues, HER anger, HER disconnection but to blend HER into our family.  

With a marriage on the rocks and a son that needs a mother to be present in his life there is no time to waste.  Each moment has to count to ensure that I have no regrets.    

As Spurgeon puts it, "It is peace, sweet, deep peace which follows the horrible turmoil that once reigned in our tormented souls."

December 11, 2008

Sky Sky,

Mom and Dad have tried to ween you off half the medication you have been taking and we are pleased to report, so far so good. We feel so much better that you are not taking so much medicine and pray God will direct us in ways to eliminate all of it. 

I feel so helpless in trying to be your mom. It is so hard baby girl but perseverance and determination are my focus.

Your dad and I love you so much and we are not giving up, we will do our very best to teach, love and care for you. 

Love,

Mom

....As I end my day with a journal reading, I am reminded that some experiences are life altering! Everything that one seemed so important  has now faded and all new priorities have appeared. My focus, my energy, my time, my resources and my thoughts now are directed toward building a different life.  A life that my daughter can thrive in!

Thanksgiving Day 2008-Journal Entry

Happy Thanksgiving Baby Girl! So many things in my life to be thankful for, YOU for starters.  I am grateful for how hard you are working on learning how to react. 

This motherhood thing is REALLY hard for me too and together we can help each other. I feel like such a failure sometimes but in my weakness I look up, and I pray I can teach you the same.  

I am so proud of you.   

Mommy

If you would of told me before I had kids, that I would be the mother of a   beautiful three year old girl that had to take a pill every day to function, I would of thought you crazy. 

Having a Mental Health Doctor was not on my list of things I wanted to add to my life.  Being a survivor of depression and abuse I was proud of the fact that I never had to get "therapy".  

I did not put much thought into therapy or getting help, I only thought about survival.  Pulling up my boot straps and moving on.

BUT... Just surviving was not enough when it came to my daughter. I believed that medication would not be long term and I had control concerning how long we would use medication as an aid to help us.